I went home early last night.
Not super early mind you, but eleven instead of one, and instead of staying for the after party. I was tired, probably because I’ve been getting up at four every morning for work, but still, I didn’t used to be like this.
When I first started taking the the meyers-briggs personality preference test in seventh grade, I tested as an ENFP, with one-hundred percent extroversion. These days I tend to test as ENTP/INTP (hardly a rigorous scientific study I know, but bear with me.)
My point is I used to be more of an extrovert, more of a people person, and now I’m not. I think the change is mostly a by product of my depression.
I first noticed some anxiety/irritability when dealing with crowds of strangers in my mid-teens, when my depression really began to have an effect on my life. Now the mall, fairs, grocery shopping all cause me a good deal of stress unless I have a friend to use a human shield to deflect the myriad irritations that plague me in public. 
It’s more than that even now, I can only do so many “social” activities before I need some down time. The more I have interact with people I don’t know, the more draining the experience is.I can do small intimate interactions forever, going out with good friends isn’t hard, but meeting and interacting with new people can be.
On the other hand I still have a good bit of extroversion in me, I need some interaction, some attention or I start getting depressed and lonely. Oddly my work, which has me interacting with strangers constantly on a daily basis doesn’t seem to count against my limit for social interactions or towards my need for them.
So, what does this all mean?
Well, in part I think it’s why I’ve enjoyed blogging so much, I get a taste of interaction and attention without bothering with the difficult business of being in public.
I see this ambiversion affecting my daily life, I base when I go to the gym for example based on when it will be less crowded (though my impatience fuels that one as well, I don’t want to have to wait for weight machines.)
Further still, it affects my struggling social life. While I won’t cancel set plans if I’m feeling less social, I might turn down offers to go out. I still haven’t started going to Church in Seattle in part because going to a new church requires a lot of interacting with strangers, and if I’ve done much of anything social on the weekend I’m too drained to put on my “going out face” by Sunday.
I just want to get over it.
I realize there is nothing wrong with being ambiverted, or introverted, in needing time for myself, but I don’t feel like myself when I feel this way. It’s distressing not to have the boundless energy and adventurousness that I used to possess. Instead of dragging others along on some grand outing, I feel now as if I need someone else to take me by the hand and drag me kicking out into the sun.
Hand/leash, whatever.
I’m going to lapse from my usual lurking just long enough to say that I totally get it. I find myself reacting/relating to a lot of things in your blog one way or another. Thanks for the awesomeness!
Well thanks for popping up to say hi. I’m glad I’m not he only person out there dealing with this.
I’m happy to hear that someone can relate, you should totally comment more and lurk less!
Thanks for reading my awesomeness.
Weirdly enough my circumstances are almost completely different. Yet here I am nodding my head anyway. And that, in my opinion, indicates kick ass writing skills.
Hey Peroxide, I feel like this quite often. I know that what people find helpful will vary, but something that has helped me go out into uncomfortable situations is to set an achievable target (“I’m going to hang out at this party for an hour, and after an hour it’s ok for me to leave”) and an exit line (got to be up early the next day for something, got to go to another event etc). It’s not a silver bullet but it does help me say yes to things when otherwise the temptation to stay at home might be too strong. Most of the time I end up staying way past the target I set.
You mentioned you think it’s due to your depression – perhaps a way to think of it then is like when a person is weak from a physical ailment, they don’t usually have the energy to do a lot of things – depression works the same way.
I’m not really kicking myself for not having the energy to be more social, I’m just disappointed. I don’t fee like me when I feel anti-social. As if the real Peroxide has endless enthusiasm for socializing, and something has gone wrong.
But I am getting out there, making plans and trying to be social, even when I get nervous and feel like staying in. So, Progress, yay!
I’m not really an extrovert, but I understand a lot of what you are talking about, and I find that I deal with it at times, too.
With regards to why interacting with people at work doesn’t feed your need for interaction, it helps to conceptualize that interactive need as a series of concentric rings nested within each other- somewhat like a target. As you move inwards, you enter deeper personal connections with those interactions. So you might have a thousand interactions at the outermost level, which are work related. But in your innermost circle – where your most personal person is – no one is touching it at all. So you get a lot of surface interaction, but none of the deeper stuff you need.
Finding a church is hard. Each one is a little different, and they all seem to feel like everyone should want to be there. What I have done in the past is to intentionally show up about five minutes after services start (so you aren’t sitting there as a target for everyone to talk up) and leave right after communion. You can get a feel for what kind of church it is without being bogged down in hours of social interaction. If it feels like a good place, then you can go back next week a bit earlier or stay a bit longer.
One model of depression views it as a type of anger that is turned inward (this isn’t actually where much of mine is, but it’s a model that works a bit at times). When one is already angry, it is more difficult to put up with others. It is easier to reach your breaking point, too. So that, to some extent, could be why you feel less inclined to deal with people when your depression rears its head. There is also the aspect of depression that, as much as it hurts, it feels good to crawl into your cave and lick your mental wounds. You can’t do that in a crowd because people keep talking to you.
So you might have a thousand interactions at the outermost level, which are work related. But in your innermost circle – where your most personal person is – no one is touching it at all. So you get a lot of surface interaction, but none of the deeper stuff you need.
That certainly makes sense, but does leave me wondering why work related interactions don’t bother me like going to the grocery store or trying to move through a crowd. (Probably because I’m getting paid and I’ll do anything for money, like a mercenary, or a whore.)
Finding a church is hard.
I actually think I know what church I want to go to here, I just have to actually start going. I might try pulling your five minute trick and see if that makes it easier.
There is also the aspect of depression that, as much as it hurts, it feels good to crawl into your cave and lick your mental wounds.
I think this is more what mine is like. Mostly I think of it as feeling bad, not for no reason, but rather for every reason. All the good in life is muted and everything that sucks gets pushed to the for front of my mind, along with attendant lethargy, and aches and pains.
I generally seek escapism, reading or watching fiction or playing video games, anything to be somewhere else or to be someone else. Which as you said, is impossible to do in a crowd.
…but does leave me wondering why work related interactions don’t bother me like going to the grocery store or trying to move through a crowd.
Well, work related interactions are kind of the point (or part of the point) of being there. Moving through a crowd sucks because people are always invading your space for no good reason except they are too busy to see you as a person. Ditto for the grocery store
Yep, I read a lot of “me” in this. I score these days as INTJ, whereas in the past I was way more extroverted. I went from wanting and having an active social life, to be perfectly content staying in most nights, and wanting to avoid crowds/situations in which I’m expected to be social. Things like wedding or baby showers or similar events are my version of hell. I don’t even attend munches anymore because I’d rather sit to the side and listen in on the conversation, but inevitably someone will ask me what’s wrong or why I’m so quiet. Can’t someone just watch and listen without it being a freaking issue? Why do we have to jump in and add our voice without being labeled “shy” or “too quiet” or “party pooper”?
This is why I took to online groups years ago like a fish to water, and like you, why I enjoy blogging. I get my social fill while being able to choose the when and how. I make jokes about becoming “old and boring,” but I don’t really think that’s the case for me or you, and I don’t blame it on my intermittent depression, either.
So we don’t want to be out until 1 am anymore, so what? Are we missing *that much* by leaving a few hours early?
Once I get “out” I am usually my extroverted self, not prone to silence, but neither do I have the unselfconscious delight in social activities that I once had. I feel awkward and sometimes foolish. I find that putting on a happy, excited, confident face becomes more of a drain than the recharge of being out gives me. If that makes any sense at all.
I often say that I’m an old man in a young mans body, I’m not one for loud spaces or heavy drinking, or excessively late nights with people I don’t know well.
I do feel like I’m missing *something* the after party this weekend for example was slated to have some kinky fun, which might have be nice to attend, but it was not to be.
I am a bit late to this conversation I know, but I’d just like to say how much I relate and sympathise with your circumstances, Peroxide. I fluctuate between being happy in my own company and being very sad about my isolation. i think you can see from what the others have said, lost of people really feel like this and that’s okay. It’s just different. A big part of the problem is that we live in a world that values extroversion over introversion. Just because people sometimes need quiet time or are happy to just listen doesn’t mean that they’re not taking anything from the world around them. Don’t be hard on yourself, understand how you feel is normal and sometimes you just need to look after yourself. There will be other parties, after all.
Got it. I’m good, not beating myself up or anything, I just miss however I used to be.
I have more fun when I go out and do thing s with people I enjoy, and I want more energy to do that. And to meet new people that I can enjoy spending time with.
I made a comment and then scrolled up and was like “Wait…” at our names being so similar. I thought I had accidentally double commented for a minute.
Yeah, I saw the notification to moderate a new comment and I was wondering why she had popped in to comment again.
I can relate to this a lot! I love being social and never really regret going out, but I love staying in and just being alone and writing and thinking and interacting online too. I have to force myself to go out some nights, and I think it’s good when I do.
For me, as long as I can make definite plans with someone or say I’ll be somewhere, feeling unsocial won’t keep me in, but even when I’m really craving interpersonal interaction if I haven’t got somewhere specific to be or someone to hang out with I tend to stay in and feel lonely.
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