Being that my ideal romantic d/s partner is a bit of a tall order, and I’m interested in having my fancy tickled in the meantime I’ve been giving some thought to finding a casual play partner. This isn’t exactly a 180* from my previous position on casual play and the scene, I mean it sort of is, but with a fat stack of caveats and addendums.
Essentially, what I think I’m up for is casual S&m play, maybe some bondage, but no sex, no kissing/snuggling/lovey dovey stuff and (perhaps somewhat oddly) no D/s.
(D/s being something I want so badly that I do not think I could separate submission from emotional/romantic attraction, I’m a sensitive lad and I need to be cautious with my foolish heart.)
I think I am quite a catch for a dominant/toppish lady looking to have a bit of fun, even with these limits I’m putting up. I mean I’m a reasonably good looking (getting fitter everyday) submissive masochist, with a decent pain tolerance and a pleasant disposition. I’m friendly, personable, honest and punctual.
Hanging out with me and practicing your backhand ought to be a fun way for just about any interested sadist to spend an evening. But, now I’m faced with how to express my seemingly arbitrary limits and sell myself as a worthwhile play partner in a rather saturated market.
This is the backhand I was talking about by the way…
I’ve never done a personal ad before, and my profiles tend to be more “Hey, this is me, take it or leave it. I’m just here to have good time” than a hard sell of myself as companion. How do I give an honest impression what I will and won’t do with out it coming off like a laundry list of kinks I want serviced?
I’m mean I’d like to try out some spanking, flogging whipping, caning and other associated pain and sensation play, I’m up for bondage, probably some other things that don’t come to mind at the moment, but I don’t want to do anything I consider “sex” or the mess around with dominance and submission. I’m also pretty iffy about titles, or collars coming into play in a casual thing.
I also need to be able to trust that once you’ve got me tied up, you won’t ravish me no matter how much we both might enjoy that.
How do I convince someone that I’m a cool guy to play with, I just don’t want to submit outside of an LTR and “no offense but my LTR criteria are absurdly specific.” !?! Hmm?
Geez, I was kind of hoping that by the time I got all that out on the page a halfway decent personal ad would have formed itself. Perhaps this just need to percolate around in my head a bit more, or perhaps I just need to go out and do this in person and hope I bump into someone who is looking for the same sort of deal.
My take: For casual play, purely T/b, you will be much better off making friends at the munches you are going to and getting yourself known as ‘Peroxide: a good guy, non-creepy, sweet etc’ than running a personal ad (though by all means, give it a go). Even if you just find companions out there in the community, hanging out with them, talking to them, letting your interests be known, widens your possibilities tenfold because people *know* people.
A short story: My last boy went to a BDSM club as the bottom to a woman, they played there. *Other* women were keen to play with him (and asked her if they could) even though there were *plenty* of single submissive men around. Why? Because *he was already with someone*, he had been ‘vetted’ already, he was ‘okay’ by association.
I know public play is not really your thing either, but lots of casual players like to play in public first because it’s safe (and safer for you also), and then they might make private play dates later.
Anyway, I think this could work well for you, I hope it does.
Ferns
you will be much better off making friends at the munches you are going to and getting yourself known
You’re probably right, but I’ll likely give an ad or two a shot as it could be more expedient.
“A short story: … he was ‘okay’ by association.”
Ah yes, the ole, Can’t get a job without more experience, and can’t get experience without a job.
“I know public play is not really your thing either”
Yeah that’s another thing I’m not super keen on, one of the (lesser) reasons being that if I’m going to put on a show, I want to really put on a show, but I’m such an amateur nothing I could do, or would feel comfortable doing is going to be especially entertaining.
Anyway, I think this could work well for you, I hope it does.
Me too, thanks as always, for your encouragement and advice.
“Ah yes, the ole, Can’t get a job without more experience, and can’t get experience without a job.”
Not sure if I misunderstood you here (you sounded a bit fatalistic, though your point is sound). I was bolstering my recommendation around the making friends thing: if you turn up somewhere with a woman (eg munch friends), you are immediately persona grata by association.
“if I’m going to put on a show, I want to really put on a show, but I’m such an amateur nothing I could do, or would feel comfortable doing is going to be especially entertaining”
Ugh. That’s dumb. When I played in public, I couldn’t give two hoots what people thought, I wasn’t ‘putting on a show’, I was experimenting, or using equipment I didn’t have, or fucking about, or just playing safely without having to do a bunch of vetting. If it’s working right, I’d expect you to forget that there are even other people there.
Ferns
“Not sure if I misunderstood you here (you sounded a bit fatalistic, though your point is sound). I was bolstering my recommendation around the making friends thing: if you turn up somewhere with a woman (eg munch friends), you are immediately persona grata by association.”
Not fatalistic, just sort of wryly amused. I recognize that paradox. I’ve beaten it too, hence the being employed.
“Ugh. That’s dumb.”
Well, thanks.
When I played in public, I couldn’t give two hoots what people thought, I wasn’t ‘putting on a show’, I was experimenting, or using equipment I didn’t have, or fucking about, or just playing safely without having to do a bunch of vetting. If it’s working right, I’d expect you to forget that there are even other people there.”
I just like to display a little showmanship. If there are a bunch of eyes on me, I feel self conscious unless I am trying to garner attention and if that’s the case I brim with confidence and swagger (as the kids are saying these days.)
It’d be marvelous if things went right and the rest of the world faded away, but I have a feeling I’ll be acutely aware of every person watching me, particularly if I do something embarrassing.
I don’t think a personal ad is a bad idea. I’ve met a number of submissive guys through online personal ads, for exactly the sort of play you’re talking about here. You seem like a pleasant, respectful guy – you shouldn’t have a problem finding a casual play partner.
That’s encouraging, I hope something good comes of this. Do you by chance recall anything in particular that made you respond to ads that you did?
Maybe something that has the basic structure of:
1. Who you are
2. Broadly what you’re looking for (with offer to talk more about specifics with interested lady)
3. What you think you have to offer said lady
4. Broadly what your boundaries are and a very brief explanation of why (i.e. no sex for religious reasons) or no explanation at all just a “this is all I’m looking for right now” and say you’re looking for someone who cares about what people’s limits are. State a willingness to discuss and be respectful of the lady’s boundaries as well.
You could also mention you go along to the local munch – give a first name or defining characteristic like your hair – for people who would like to get a feel for who you are outside an explicitly sexual context.
Honestly all your material is already in your post. It’s just a matter of structuring it and framing it positively – “I’m a nice guy looking a nice lady for mutually respectful and enjoyable SM fun times” rather than “I don’t want cuddles! I don’t want domming! is that ok? am I asking too much?”. I think you are being too hard on yourself, it is perfectly ok to want certain things and not others, and a decent woman will be respectful of that.
Finally Peroxide, I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfortable, but if we lived anywhere near another I would totally want to have good times with you and a riding crop. You’ll be fine 🙂
I keep composing examples in my head and they have a tendency to come out novel length, I’m pretty sure no one is interested in reading another wall of text personal ad ever again.
I know what I need to say, but you’re right I need to figure out how to say it clearly (concisely) and in an attractive manner.
And if you were nearby I’d be totally up for that. Thanks!
As you can tell from the length of my comment I have a similar problem! One of the drawbacks of being a speed typist…
If it’s any consolation, I think most women out there would still be more responsive to the War & Peace of submissive personal ads then they would be to the average ‘hi i’m a submissive man who wants ice queen bitch goddess to turn me into sissy slave’. I reckon just get something out there and tweak it as you go along, but of course it’s easy for me to say that 😉
Well. If you can wait a few months, I’ll come tie you up and whack you 😀
I may have had an experience or two by then (or not, we’ll see) but if you want to meet up and maybe see about some play I’d be open to it.
Well yay then. You’re literally the second person I’ve ever been so forward with, so that’s was pretty out of character for me.
I don’t have much experience myself. All else fails, we learn some things together, without pressure of making a romantic relationship work as well as kink. I think that sounds pretty good, actually.
At the least, I’d like to grab lunch if you’re up for it. It would be nice to get a “head start” on making friends up there, particularly ones I don’t have to hide my “true identity” with.
So I’ve got this first draft of a personal ad, if the ladies in the comments (or anyone reading) wouldn’t mind giving it a glance and telling me what they think. I also need a catchy header, if anyone here is monstrously clever at that sort of thing.
Hi, I’m Peroxide, I write Submissive in Seattle and I’m looking for a nice lady to be my casual play partner.
I don’t do sex or D/s outside of a LTR, so this would just be a Top/bottom thing.
I’m not terribly experienced, but I am masochistic and eager to have a good time. If you are a Domme/top/sadist and want a nice male body to tie up, take down, or hit with things, I might just be your man.
If you want to know more about me, my blog has more information than you could possibly find interesting, or I’m happy to answer questions on Fetlife or via Captnperoxide@gmail.com
I live in Seattle (Obviously) and would be pleased to meet for coffee or drinks if you are interested. I’m pretty laid back, generally fun to hang out with, I don’t care how experienced or confident you are as long as you’re respectful and play safe, go ahead and drop me a line.
– Peroxide
I think that’s one of the best personal ads I’ve ever read. It’s short but gives all the pertinent information in a manner that is obvious you have more than two brains cells to rub together, and aren’t typing one-handed.
And I’m not just saying that so you’ll let me hit you 😉