Well, it’s in the title, right?
I really don’t have to say any more, do I?
It’s not that I am ashamed of this kink, or any of my kinks, but this one certainly still has the ability to embarrass me. My cheeks flush just writing about wanting my fiancée, the love of my life, the woman who owns me body and soul, who keeps my dick under lock and key, to go out and fuck other people.
And you may ask yourself, well how did I get here?
If you’ve been reading from the beginning, when I started out as a “straight” good little Christian boy, who just happened to be kinky, you might be a little shocked. I wrote multiple times that non-monogamy was unappealing to me. I wrote about my first F/m relationship with Tavi, and about that one time seeing her kiss someone else, while I waited at the end of her leash, ended up with me breaking down in tears. So, how in the hell did I change that much?
There were a lot of little aspects of the fantasy that bled together and grew into an interest, then a fascination. I think it started with the chastity. Which is a porn-y cliche. But, the truth is, long-term chastity was such a turn on. I enjoyed how it made me feel. I really enjoyed having sex that didn’t involve my penis.
Thumper wrote something that resonated recently:
I remember feeling the first time someone other than me touched my dick. My teenage romance with K, I was okay with fingering her while we made out, but as soon as she slipped her hand down my pants I was paralyzed with guilt and shame. I don’t feel that shame anymore, but my penis does not feature in my sexual fantasies.
Chastity enhanced the dissociation between sexual enjoyment and having my dick touched – I found a sort of disappointment in being unlocked. I think that headspace is what made cuckolding, a ubiquitous theme in a lot of the Femdom porn I consumed, more interesting.
Here’s a dominant woman getting off, getting to fuck a hot, hard cock just the way she wants, and here’s her submissive – teased, denied, humiliated. I could no longer deny the appeal.
I sat down and evaluated both what I really wanted, how far I was willing to go and what was preventing me from sharing this fantasy with Chaos. Why hadn’t I already told her I found this hot. What I worried her reaction might be, and what obstacles I perceived as standing between us and blissfully indulging in cuckolding.
Why did I want this? Why would anyone?
Oh boy. Blushing again.
One of the facets of cuckolding fetishism that attracted me, is the idea that her other lovers would be/could be better in bed. I have never been made to feel inadequate in bed, but nevertheless I do feel like she deserves better than I can give. Chaos gets off on me, she orgasms on my face, my fingers, as well as my dick. But I don’t feel like my strength, stamina, flexibility during PiV sex are doing the job, I think she’s very skilled at fucking me, and I guess I started desiring to see someone who could fuck her back with more than I can give.
I listened to a bunch of the Keys & Anklets podcast while I was girding my loins to tell Chaos I was into this. In one episode (I think this one) the host is interviewing a cuckoldress and she said something that crystalized part of what I was longing for. Essentiallly she said, that whenever she was fucking one of her “Bulls,” she was engaging with her Submissive Cuckold Partner in a deep and intimate way. They could be apart and still sharing this sexual energy.
I work a lot. Long, late hours that don’t match up with Chaos’ schedule. It’s been a strain for the last few years. Work, scheduling, exhaustion, have often gotten in the way of us having the kinky sex lives we want. It was very appealing to find a way for Chaos to have more (possibly better) sex, regardless of my ability to be present. As well as enhancing, reinforcing our dynamic, giving her another type of power over me – a freedom that I am denied. It is more than hot, it seemed like a balm to my submissive heart.
When I grew certain that this was something I did want, I laid out my fears methodically, addressed each of them so that I had a plan, and still I just couldn’t tell her.
What if she was disgusted by it? There are some harmful narratives surrounding cuckolding. The women are often talked about as belonging to one man or the other. The cuckolds often are pathetic, inferior. The Bulls are often dominant (and of course the wives naturally submit to a real man.) And there are a lot of terribly racist tropes, and attitudes tossed around.
I ended up dropping a lot of hints, pillow talk and renewed interest in a MMF threesome, but I was too scared to come out as a Cuck. Then, one night about a year ago, she beat me to it.
To be Continued….