Lately, I’ve really been digging No, Seriously, What About Teh Menz? it’s a smart, often witty blog, that is making the idea of self identifying as feminist more palatable to me. It makes me think, which is great, when I have tons of time to write posts, but right now has got me with a massive backlog of things I want to write about.
Anyway a few weeks back Noah, posted about The Domestication Narrative and I’m just now getting around to writing down my thoughts. (Sneak peek, in two weeks I’ll talk about this whole Kony thing.)
The domestication narrative is the idea that men are intrinsically wild, anarchic, uncivilized creatures, and women are intrinsically nurturing, organized, settled beings, and the nature of heterosexual relationships is for women to “civilize” men through marriage, a process that men resist but eventually surrender to, which is a sign that they’ve “grown up”.
So, while I don’t like that society automatically casts me in an unfavorable and immature light, I am distinctly unopposed to having a woman “civilize me” so to speak. There are a lot of little things that I would do for someone else, that I don’t bother with for myself.
Like cleaning. I like things tidy, but I don’t always clean up after myself if I’m not sharing the space with anyone else. Right now, from my unmade bed I can see four dirty dishes, one pizza box, one empty carton of Cherry Garcia, six empty pop cans, and some dirty laundry. It would take just a little encouragement for me to change this, honestly if I was expecting female, company I’d scour not only my room, but also tidy the rest of my apartment.
Cooking for me is the same, if it’s just me after a long day I’m more likely to order in, or microwave something than prepare an actual meal. And either way, I’ll be eating in front of a screen. But, I’d really like to cook dinner for (or with) someone, maybe even eat at the dinner table and everything.
It's a good thing I work in the restaurant industry, or else I'd never eat anything green.
Similarly, I used to have three days off in a row every week, while I was working nights, and if I didn’t have plans (which was more often the case than I care to admit) I wouldn’t shave or shower for the duration, because there was no need. But if I’m leaving the house for any reason, I almost always make sure I’m clean and clean shaven.
It’s just a matter of motivation. I don’t need someone to pick up after me, just to tell me to pick up after myself.
Also, I think it’d be great to have some scented candles, and a loofah, but I can’t bring myself to buy them for myself.
Well, I could probably bring myself to by this one.
So, what I’m wondering, is:
Does domestication as dominance hold any appeal, or does it just sound like I need a bunch of hand holding to act like a fucking grown up?
To attract a Domme, should I already be a perfectly well behaved, tidy and otherwise mature man, or is it OK that I have some rough edges so long as I don’t complain if you want to grind them off?
Mu, motherfucker!
Translation: The starting premise is wrong and it bugs me (I know you know that!).
I’ve always attracted, and been attracted to, men who were much more domesticated than me. They cooked, they tidied, they washed, they did all that stuff much more enthusiastically and better than me (and had a much lower tolerance for bad food, mess, piled up washing basket etc than I did, so even in vanilla relationships, they would get there first… yay!).
Having said that, and to answer your actual question: “…should I already be a perfectly well behaved, tidy and otherwise mature man, or is it OK that I have some rough edges so long as I don’t complain if you want to grind them off?”
I don’t care about the starting point as long as you can listen, pay attention, and don’t expect me to say it more than once.
“If you see dirty dishes in the sink, wash them up.”
There, I’m done. If I have to *keep* saying it, or pointing it out, or (god help us both) *nag* about it, then we have a big big problem because I HATE that crap.
Ferns
I’d hope that I would be able to be told only once that certain chores are my responsibility and that knowing that I’d always do a great job, but, my tolerance for “bad food, mess, piled up washing basket etc” is fairly high,
So, I have concerns that, I would need to have it pointed out to me repeatedly, that nagging might ensue.
And I reluctantly admit that corporal punishment for not doing my chores, may not be the most effective method. (seeings as how that is sort of rewarding bad behavior.)
I don’t nag and I don’t use corporal punishment, so no worries there… heh.
I assume that when you are in a relationship and genuinely want to please her, you would just get off your arse and do it (whatever ‘it’ is) because seeing that look on her face (yes, that one) will be horrible. But if you don’t/can’t/won’t, and your compliance is something important to her, then you are going to have a problem.
For me, it’s not about the ‘thing’ I’ve asked him to do, it’s about his obedience. My asking and him doing, that’s one of the ways that we show love.
Ferns
I can recognize a lot of myself in what you are writing here. I think it is somewhat average for (unattached) submissive guys to look at “chores” this way. We are socialized into thinking, as guys, that we SHOULDN’T worry about such things. We are taught, in effect, that it doesn’t matter what our environment looks like. Messy is manly.
For myself (and I will not put this on anyone else) my depression also helped exacerbate this issue. I honestly felt like I didn’t deserve a better environment. But I would be more than willing to make it habitable for “the right person.”
What I found is is this: I am the right person. I owe it to myself to keep my self clean and cleanshaven. I owe it to myself to dress well and to exercise for my health and to eat complete meals that will nourish my body. I deserve these things, not because I am Mistress Delila’s property, but because I’m a human being (and a damn good person, I think).
With this revelation (and that’s really what it was), I quit doing things in anticipation of one day doing them for Her and started doing them because I want to be the kind of man who is worthy of having Her in my life. I don’t want to be Her project. I want to be Her lover, Her pet, and Her lifemate.
So I understand where you are coming from. I used to be there (and, honestly, I find myself sliding back there sometimes). I’m not saying that what is true for me is true for you, though. I’m just sharing my experience. We must each find our own path, and what’s true for me might not be true for you…but it might.
I don’t talk about it much, but I’ve got a low-grade depressive disorder, and mostly it makes me feel very unmotivated. It’s not that I don’t think that I deserve, a squeaky clean living space, I just can’t be bothered to maintain one.
Same goes for working out, (Which I’m still not doing with anything remotely like regularity) I have a hard time doing it for me, but I think I can manage to do it in anticipation of being someone’s property.
I agree that I don’t want to be anybody’s project, though. So, focusing on building and maintaining good habits, can be perhaps an act of anticipatory submission.
Maybe I can build the habits first, and come around to doing for myself second?
I’ve been taking Wellbutrin (buproprion) for depression for around 3 years, so I can understand a bit about knowing something is wrong, but not caring enough to change it. It does make it more difficult. What I’ve done is try to build good living habits – showering and shaving regularly, cleaning up after myself, sweeping, doing dishes, etc. I actually use these as a yardstick to measure my depression against – when I get depressed, I have a hard time doing these things. Which means that I focus harder on getting them done.
Working out is a similar issue. What I’ve done (very recently) is to set a goal of running in a charity 5K in May and another in June (and both are charities that are very important to me).
I have to also admit that it is easier to do these things now that I actively submit to Mistress Delila than when I was on my own. It’s very hard to psych one out to the point where a future Mistress is as motivating as a current one.
My goal this week is actually to set up a maintenance schedule – when to do dishes, when to sweep, when to do laundry, when to wash the car, etc. That way I don’t have to REMEMBER what to do (which is difficult when I’m struggling emotionally) because I can see what I’m supposed to be doing. It also gives me a bit of feedback when I check it off.
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