Freedom?

You know what I kink on harder than pegging, or spanking, or biting, or gingers?

You want to click on that biting link.

Ownership, and symbols of ownership.

It’s hard to explain, My masochism seems to me a relatively innocuous kink compared to the desire to have someone else control my autonomy. Which is why I found it easier to explain my desire for sensual torments, than it is for me to explain this.

According to OKCupid’s robots I am Less-Independent than most men of my age. This isn’t a terrible shock to me, or a bitter disappointment, I know that I have a co-dependent personality, and I’m cool with that, I would much prefer to be in a relationship than not. That doesn’t mean I don’t function when I’m not in a relationship.

Independence is often equated with self sufficiency (which has got to be one of the major attributes that go in the man-box.) By being open about my desire to have to give away my independence, not simply by marrying my life to someone else’s, (which is apparently a non-masculine desire in and of itself) but also to relinquish my (presumed) authority within that union, I am throwing up a signal that something is seriously wrong with me.

After all, everyone from William Wallace to George Micheal wants freedom, how fucked up is it, that I want the opposite?

Pictured: William Wallace.

Do you ever watch Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton? Towards the end of the program he runs through a list of questions, one of which is “what turns you on?” When I say that submission turns me on, that being owned turns me on, I want you to think of it that way. I’m not talking about a mere physiological reaction here. It feels to me as if everything inside me reacts to the idea, that my lover should have total authority over me. There is a deep yearning that cries out whenever I give it a thought.

Would you say that your very soul cries out for the nurturing touch of a loving owner?

It is a piece of irony it think, that the best way I can describe what it is I think I would get out of being enslaved, is freedom. But lately I am realizing that I have fairly strongly internalized some unhelpful messages about how relationships work.

Listen, I’m not stupid. I know that not everything I saw on TV (or, if we’re going to be brutally honest, observed in my parents marriage) is true. Still I am left with the impression, conscious, subconscious or otherwise that marriage was always going to be about doing what she wants, or making up for having done what you wanted. Also, that women are rarely honest about what it is that that they want.

This is not how I want to spend my romantic future

I think, those ideas, harmful as they are, influenced my my long running ideas about how I was going to be as a boyfriend and husband someday.     (They are by no means the only reasons, I genuinely enjoy making people happy, especially people I care about.) Sometime I feel that giving over my authority to my wife would free me from those (admittedly irrational) fears.

that I may be disappointing her. The fear that there is something she wants from me, that I haven’t figured out. It would give me a clear line of objectives,  knowing that if I do what I’m told, she will be pleased. That sounds so amazingly freeing, that just conceptualizing it makes me feel good.

That’s not all, (which is good, because I don’t think those reasons sound like good reasons.)

The other biggie when it comes to my desire to be owned, is that possessions are valuable. You have them because you want them. I want so badly  to be my wife’s favorite toy. I want her to always want to play with me, and I want her to be able to do whatever she wants to me, when ever she wants. I see all over the place articles about women who aren’t doing something they want, because they are afraid that their partner will not be open to it. Women who aren’t being satisfied and their partner is not willing to work on it. I don’t ever want to be that guy,

I feel like it’s going to sound like my attraction to ownership as a kink is derived solely from fears and insecurities. I don’t think that is the case, but these things leap out at me as reasons why I want what I want.

There are other things that leap out as well.

Collars turn me on in the same (more than just a sexual thing) way. All sorts of little things about collaring make me feel good to think about. While your first thought might be about a tight leather play collar like the one pictured above, what I most often imagine is a simple cord, locked in place that I could wear, always.

Honestly I feel silly and overly sentimental in my desire  for what is essentially a love token. I suppose its because guys aren’t supposed to want these sorts of things. But to picture my self on my knees as my Domme locks her collar into place, and tells me that she owns me.. I don’t have words for the longing that brings out in me.

There are other, related fantasies, such as being leashed in public. I really don’t want anything to do with public play, I don’t want my good times to make others uncomfortable. Still, I have a hard time imagining anything more sublime than being led through a crowd by the leash around my neck.

Well, now I’m kinda at the end, I was hoping when I set out that I’d have a clear rational explanation for why it isn’t weird to want what I want. So many things I write here pretty much count as practice for when/if I need to explain this to a vanilla girlfriend. In person I’m a confident, exuberant individual, why can’t I be that way about my kinks?