I was going to hold off on writing on this topic until I had a new job (still working on that) cause I’m not after sympathy, I just want to discuss submissiveness and and depression.
Not that there is a connection or even a correlation between the two, but since there are 18.8 million American adults dealing with some sort of depression there must be some overlap between Submissive people and Depressed people.
Before I bum everyone the fuck out, here’s a happy picture.
For me, I’ve got a dysthymic disorder, for the most part when life is going well it just means that I have some “low” days where I’m tired, achy, and maybe just feel bad for no particular reason, some things that should be just minor annoyances bother more than they would most other people. On the other hand when life hands me set backs it hits me pretty hard. I feel like I can’t cope, and just want to curl up and die.
When I felt that it was getting serious (i.e. pervasive intrusive suicidal thoughts, which is not where I am now, don’t worry) I got help. I saw a shrink for a bit, but she determined that I don’t really need therapy, suggested medication, and making some positive life changes. I took wellbutrin for a while but never noticed any major difference (I was living at home at the time and my mother says she noticed a difference.) I’m currently not taking anything, and for the most part I’ve been doing well.
Except I’m unemployed, and feel disconnected and that triggers more low days which makes it hard for me to find a job and create a social life. This brings y’all up to speed on me, and brings us to what I actually want to talk about.
This
When I’m especially depressed my submissive fantasies run more towards slavery. I always kink on being owned, but usually this is a fantasy about having a loving person who cares about me and I can trust enough to let her decide what is best for me. When I’m feeling low, and at the end of my rope, unmotivated and worthless, then loving, caring and trust seem less important than just belonging to someone and having a purpose, having set tasks and not having to make decisions or take initiative.
I wouldn’t say it’s a happy thought, but it is a comforting fantasy. To be worked hard, and used for someone else’s pleasure. To have mistakes corrected with quick and definitive punishments. It’s a comforting thought, and after filling out job applications all day I find myself wishing I could just sell myself into slavery. If there was a legal option to do this, there are days where I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t.
It’s like, I don’t care what happens as long as I don’t have to decide.
If I pursue this idle thought and let become a daydream or fantasy, it gets more pleasant usually, being bought by a very strict woman who is satisfied with her purchase, gives me plenty to do, and well eventually some fun and sexy duties….
At the same time I worry, that since this is something I live with that when the day comes that my life is where I want it to be and I have a loving wife who likes owning my ass that I’ll still deal with these lows, and I’ll be a shitty sub because I’ll have no agency of my own and just weigh her down sometimes.
I don’t know how I react to a lover when I’m like that, whether I need gentle care or to just have the sad slapped out of me. I couldn’t communicate my needs because I’m not sure exactly what they are, but I’m sure that if my depression was interfering with the relationship it would become another thing to be depressed about… and fuck, I’m back to just wanting to be property.
Anyway, does this sound familiar to anyone else? if you are submissive and depressed, how does one effect the other?
Are there Dominants with depression? What does being depressed make you want to do?
Dominants with depressed subs I totally want to hear from you, what happens to the dynamic when they’re feeling down? how do you get the spark back?
I’ve dealt with depression as a Domme… thankfully, not too bad or too often. However, when I’m really in a low, all I want to do is say “blah I don’t care, do whatever you want, sub” — not exactly ideal! So far the best solution has been consciously telling the sub “I’m going to need a little more caring today,” for example, so she/he’ll know to perhaps be a little pampering, but more importantly, to not press me into intense sceneing or heaven forbid, making any real decisions
And often, seeing a sub respect my needs when I’m depressed, helps to make me happy and motivate me and get me back into “normality” and back to my usual happy, bossy self. 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
That’s great to hear. I hope to find that it will be much the same with me, that a caring push or a few orders and a swat on the behind will motivate me to break out of the funk I’m in.
I found this post interesting, because I relate to it a lot, but from a domme standpoint. I used to suffer from depression and anxiety quite severely. While I’ve come a long way, I think I am still more vulnerable than most to anxiety spirals or periods of low mood. In those times I am more likely to escape into fantasies about a relationship with a sub – especially when things feel out of control. I think of a future where I have my very own pet to care and love and boss around and torment, and how much he will like being under my control, and somehow that calms me.
Whether that is just because kink is how I love and dreaming of love makes me happy, or because it’s comforting when I’m anxious to envisage a space where I can control things, I don’t know… but I find it interesting to read about a sub fantasising about being owned when he is depressed, while I as a domme dream of doing the owning.
” I think of a future where I have my very own pet to care and love and boss around and torment, and how much he will like being under my control, and somehow that calms me.”
Now that is fascinating. I very much get escapism during low periods, I’m much more likely to get sucked into a book, or show or game that can distract me from my depressed thought, and that’s part of why I think my fantasies get less realistic.
But, if you read Tomio’s post, he mentions and I’ll agree that depression is inactive. It makes me what fewer choices and less control, I find it curious that you want more.
I wonder if it has anything to do with the different ways we experience our depressions. My depression actually arose out of untreated anxiety. As in, I was so anxious I couldn’t function, and I wound up becoming depressed about it. So maybe it makes sense that when I experience similar feelings now I dream of a world where I can control everything and make sure nothing goes wrong.
Or maybe I’m just complicating things and dreaming of my ideal future as an escape from depression, and my ideal future is one involving a happy submissive man.
Anyway, I wanted to say, I saw your comment below to L&L that people around you had said some insensitive things about people with mental health issues. I’m sorry, that sounds like a very isolating experience, and it is sad that some people are still so narrow minded. I still remember the pain of comments that people made about me when I was struggling. However, as you can see from the comments your post has garnered, many people grapple with depression and there are others who are open-minded because they have seen it touch the lives of people they love. There are more people like this than you perhaps might assume and I hope your future lady will be one of them.
And about your fear of being a burden – all dommes are different of course, but if a cherished pet came to me and said he was struggling, my protective instincts would kick in and I would want to do everything I could to care for and look after him. ‘Burden’ is not an idea that would enter my mind. I was close to someone with depression and he was in fact a burden because he would say things like “you make me want to kill myself”, “you are the reason I feel this way”, “if you weren’t so messed up I would be ok” etc. That is being an emotional burden (as well as a giant douche). But having depression and needing some extra TLC and support from your lady is not being a burden. It means you are awesome for being in touch with how you feel, having the courage to talk about it, and asking for help where you need it. Promise.
It quite possibly has to do with our individual issues. I think submission appeals to me because I find the lack of choice freeing, but I could be rationalizing that incorrectly.
“you had said some insensitive things about people with mental health issues. I’m sorry, that sounds like a very isolating experience”
Yeah people are the worst. I am frequently astounded by the inability of individuals to react with empathy rather than derision.
Thanks for your kind words, it really means a lot, (and sorry that person you were close to was such a douche.)Emotionally I’m at least leveling out right now, as evidenced by my being able to get something written, all the comments here are so encouraging that I sure i’ll be able to come back and read through them again next time I’m feeling hopeless.
I used to suffer quite severely with depression and self harm and now, though I’m much, much better than I was, am still prone to low moods and suicidal thoughts on occasion. I find that much like Maria and Rougemarie, I feel I need more looking after. I wouldn’t have the energy to do some big, elaborate scene because I’d be in my shell and lethargic. and yet, I’d feel guilty for putting a stop on what my submissive wanted too. But it’s all about backrubs and hugs and being able to just lie on the sofa until I snapped out of it. It’s completely different to when I’m feeling energised when things could be a lot more playful.
I also don’t think you’d need to worry too much Peroxide. In real life, your partner would have to try and be sympathetic towards your dysthymic moods and I hope that most decent people would be. If I was in that situation and had a partner suffering from low moods I’d do whatever I could to help them cope until the storm blew over. It’s only human after all and I hope that when with one’s partner, the relationship would be a safe space where things like depression could be discussed and understood.
“I also don’t think you’d need to worry too much Peroxide. In real life, your partner would have to try and be sympathetic towards your dysthymic moods and I hope that most decent people would be.”
That’s comforting, However I have some good friends who, not knowing that I’m depressed, have said some fairly insensitive things about other people who are struggling with it more openly. Which in part is why I’m reluctant to share about it now.
But I hope you’re right and that I find someone who is understanding and willing to pick me up when I’m down.
I’ve dealt with my own depression over the last few years, while being in relationships as a sub and a dom.
As a submissive, I was really lucky because my dom had experience dealing with it. He would set tasks that I could achieve which would also be good for me (sometimes it was things like making sure I left my room by telling me to take a picture of myself outside or telling me to go eat something and then tell him what) – which was really helpful. It did occasionally mean that I was very unreliable and found it difficult to concentrate on his needs or be particularly useful, but he spent time building up my confidence again.
As a dominant, I’ve found that it’s actually really helpful to have a submissive as motivation for me to get my act together and stick to things that I’ve committed to. My sub was also the person who realised that I tend to get depressed and anxious when I haven’t had any heavy pain play for a while, so she now staves that off by service-topping once in a while. I’m not sure if you tend towards masochism yourself, but I found that for me that the endorphins from that are very good at dealing with mild depression.
“He would set tasks that I could achieve which would also be good for me”
I definitely see where this would be helpful, I’ve said before that there are lots of things I’d do for a SO that I have trouble being motivated to do for myself.
So you find that the motivation to dominate pulls you through the lows? It seems to be the same sort of motivation that one gets as a sub to do “this” for someone else, Pain probably helps too!
I wrote about my issues with depression a while back:
http://masculinesubmission.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/depression-and-submission/
I think how you react will be as individual as you are. I’m afraid I can’t be more specific than that.
For me, the wellbutrin helps keep it at bay. I can function. Without it, I really can’t for long. But while the pleasure in my life disappears, my need for and desire to serve Mistress Delila remains constant. If anything, it adds an extra lifeline for me to cling to.
And, by the way, unemployment is a HUGE trigger for me, too.
That’s a great post, and had I known about it I’m sure I would have referenced it in this one. Hey everyone, go read Tomio’s Post!
I think the unemployment is that largest factor here for me at the moment, so I’m not really considering getting back on medication. It’s that combination of idleness and low life satisfaction that the depression latches onto and amplifies til getting out of bed is too much work. Having a Domme would be helpful, I’m tempted to feel like it would be and instant cure, but that is probably not the case. Do you ever feel concerned that that using Mistress Delilia as a lifeline is dragging her down? I’d feel the need to shape up right away lest I be a dead weight.
Wow! It’s really nice to see that suffering from something like this is not as uncommon as I thought. I’ve had absolutely horrible experiences with people saying things about it, even inadvertently, and it really does hurts. Comments like that are isolating, but I try to keep in mind the people that are accepting and knowledgeable. And then I proceed to avoid/confront, atmosphere depending …I had been hoping that something in the ‘pro-mental health’ media would eventually have some effect…Not having any work or having too much work are both huge triggers for me, as well. I hope you find something you will enjoy doing soon!
Most people have not Idea that I’m depressed, I’ve got a pretty good “going out face.” And it really sucks to hear my friends judging people who can’t/don’t hide it rather harshly.
There is a good deal of awareness going around, but for people who aren’t chemically depressed I think it’s never going to be something they understand.
Thanks for the well wishes, hopefully I’ll have something soon.
I think that’s a common face shared by many.
No. It’s absolutely not something they could really understand. It’s probably worse because there are some mental disorders that most people do not understand are just that. So maybe I’ll just start hoping for acknowledgement.
Something will come up 🙂
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