So given the conversation about privilege that’s been going on on here I might catch a little flak for saying this but, I’m kinda jealous of my gay co-workers.
Yeah so, I realize that I’ve got all this privilege as a Straight white middle class cis-male (and this is a whole other post, but I guess I’m still privileged even if I’m not privy to all of the things that could fall under the category of for example “straight privilege”) and gay folks have it pretty rough in a lot of places, but here in Seattle eh, it seems like they’ve got a pretty good deal.
The impetus for this little post was a few weeks ago, my first day training, I got a break to scarf some lunch and my two gay co-workers were having a conversation in the same room. Now, I’m new here and I want everyone to like me obviously, plus I kinda want these guys to like me cause I’ve never had a gay friend before. Anyway they were talking somewhat graphically and somewhat obliquely about the work that goes into preparing oneself for anal sex, like trading tips and discussing equipment and options while I’m eating lunch.
I’m probably bright red and don’t say anything cause I don’t know what to say, there is no quick and polite way to communicate that “while I’m straight and waiting til I’m married to have sex, I’d be peachy keen to take it in the rear from my wife, so you fellas haven’t got to (poorly) censor your conversation for my sake since I’m going to have to learn this stuff someday anyway.”
Beyond that first encounter, there are a lot of crude jokes flying around, and while I’d like to be able to laugh along and make jokes off my own, I don’t feel like I can. For one my sexuality is a bit complicated to explain,
It's like this, but with kissing, and sometimes hitting, and occasionally there's a strap on involved.
…and two even if I just made jokes about the most simplistic aspect of it it (just the experience of a straight man) I don’t really feel comfortable doing so. That’s just not how I’m used to talking, even with just the guys growing up I was the one pushing the envelope and often enough the reaction taught me to keep things to myself.
They get to present as gay, in a way that I can’t present as either straight, or submissive. There is the whole gay pride movement, but there isn’t an equivalent de-closeting for BDSMers which is just fine with me most of the time, but sometime I just want the people I interact with on a daily basis to know what makes me tick.
It’s not just that I’m jealous of their ability to express their sexuality, when I don’t feel comfortable even explaining mine. They’re also pursuing their sexuality, which C’mon just cause I’m subscribing to this whole abstinence thing doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult and frustrating.
This led me to think a bit about what my life would be if I were gay, the downside is some of my friends wouldn’t be cool with it, but while my parent’s wouldn’t like it I’m sure they’s still love me, the relatives who would freak out are the ones I already don’t spend time with. Faith wise I’d either have to drop it, or play pick and choose with what I want to believe…. But on the upside, I’d look fabulous
Artists rendering of Peroxide as a gay man.
And maybe it’s just a grass is greener sort of thing, I feel like I’d just have an out on all the ridiculous “man box” bullshit I put up with, or have to listen to. I could own toys without having it raise questions about my sexuality. I’d probably have an easier time finding a top, which really, could be a selling point for me.
But it isn’t a choice, or at the very least it isn’t a switch you flip, and even it was I don’t think I’d take it.
For one thing, I’d miss boobs.
I totally get that… as much as I am going to as a woman, etc. etc.
For similar reasons I don’t go around proclaiming that I have sometimes thought a lot of stuff about being a lesbian would be awesome… ‘cept the sex with girls part.
However, not too long ago a friend of mine, who is a lesbian, was discussing some of what she deals with on a regular basis here in western WA and yes, you are right, it is better here than a lot of places, but it’s a long way from equal. I don’t like it that people expect me to act a certain way while she deals that sort of expectation (different expectations, but still present) as well as with much more serious issues.
I think anyone who is a bit outside their gender box has probably had this thought, but straight privilege is a real and powerful thing and the only way to develop some appreciation for it is to see it through the eyes of someone who lives without the benefit of it.
I feel like it ought to be fairly relatable, it really just boils down to wishing I was as comfortable being as open about my sexuality as others. Also, that I kinda wish I was getting laid.
I’m thinking about this a fair amount right now, and I’ll probably come out with a post about the privilege I experience, how I’m learning to recognize it, and the privilige I don’t experience because I’m “a bit outside my gender box.”
@DD
“straight privilege is a real and powerful thing and the only way to develop some appreciation for it is to see it through the eyes of someone who lives without the benefit of it.”
A lesbian author tried something like that: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Made-Man-Womans-Journey-Manhood/dp/B001P3OMRS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1335166619&sr=8-2
That’s as close as one can get to doing something like that. And her experience is quite illuminating, though living a double life did take a toll on her.
I actually have that book sitting here waiting for me to get to it.
I think though, really, we have a group of people who can shed light on this. People who transition from male to female give up privilege and people who transition from female to male gain it.
Here are Natalie Reed’s comments on the topic
http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/03/07/sacrificing-privilege/
Hi Peroxide,
So reading this, my first question was “well wouldn’t you save yourself for marriage if you were gay?” or domestic partnership etc.
but seeing this “Also, that I kinda wish I was getting laid.” combined with “They’re also pursuing their sexuality, which C’mon just cause I’m subscribing to this whole abstinence thing doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult and frustrating.” and earlier conversations is making me think that, well, you don’t seem sold on abstinence. Now doing something that’s challenging, and even frustrating at times because you believe in it and it will lead you to some future goal is totally awesome. However, to what degree have you examined this as your own goal and preferred method of expressing, and I would argue experiencing, your sexuality and to what degree is it the only option you were told you had?
Hey,
I did say: “Faith wise I’d either have to drop it, or play pick and choose with what I want to believe.”
Basically, this hypothetical gay me, either has to reconcile a loving God making him gay and then saying not to have gay sex, or pick a more liberal theology and hope that he can find another nice gay christian guy and get married and then have sex
…or, and I see this as the more likely scenario, become agnostic/atheistic and build a personal morality (while struggling with the nihilism, misanthropy and hedonistic desires that non-hypothetical me tends to counter via religious belief.) Which if hypothetical gay me is in every other respect just like me, probably means that his romantic relationships would involve sex.
I’m rather sexually frustrated lately, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sold on abstinence, though I have no illusions about it being cool or even sounding reasonable to many readers so my language my be a tad more disdainful than I truly feel (that and the aforementioned sexual frustration, which may make me cranky.)
Remaining abstinent until marriage is totally my own goal that I’m pursuing for a myriad of reasons, and I’m aware of many Christians, some quite close to me, who have decided that it isn’t a necessary or realistic expectation, and in every other respect appear to be doing just fine with their faith. So I’m quite aware that I have other options, and I’m comfortable that I’m making the choice that’s right for me.
But yeah, some days it’s harder than others to remember that.
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