Apropos of the correspondence in this post, and the comments on this one, I’m going to try to express how I can see BDSM as not just sexual but romantic.
Dominance and submission are the elements of BDSM I that I see as having the most potential to be an expression of romance, since the other elements (Bondage & Discipline, Sadism & Masochism) are more about things that you do or have done to you, their verbiness makes them seem more sexual, more akin to fore play. D/s on the other hand, can be much more ethereal, it can be expressed and reinforced in words, and tones and gestures. In the same way lover’s can express their love for each other, I see the potential for dominants and submissives to express their dynamic, and I see those expressions as being romantic.
Now, I’m not currently in a D/s relationship, I’ve never been in a D/s relationship, so you may be wondering how can even talk about this. Honestly a lot of it is conjecture, maybe a dash of wishful thinking. There are romantic things I’ve experienced, I know I enjoy, I know they make my heart speed up, make me flush with excitement. These are things that I haven’t had, but thinking about them gives me a similar reaction.
I’ve mentioned how much the idea of an ownership dynamic does for me. Engaging in this dynamic to begin with makes me want to swoon, it indicates that there is a great deal of trust and commitment, it means that my kinks aren’t merely tolerated but they are being accepted and celebrated. That in itself is so romantic to me, if I could get to that place, I would be overcome with love.
Demanding kisses. Ferns’ post on this practice is absolutely adorable and exacerbates the frustration of single-hood by no small margin.
Demanding anything really, is a reassertion of the dynamic. My tendency was and is always to lean towards whatever my partner wants to do. Yes, I have my own opinions, wants and needs but many of those pale in comparison to spending time with my SO and seeing her happy. Demanding that we order in Thai and watch a movie is faster that eventually coming to that conclusion eventually anyway, and the fact that she took charge is exciting.
Using body language and touching to accentuate the dynamic. If we’re watching something, make me small spoon, or have me sit at your feet, or put your feet in my lap for a foot rub.
Position me how ever you want me. If we’re kissing, take my hands and put them where you want them to be. straddle my lap and hold my hands out of the way.
Tease me, I’m not ticklish, but poking, prodding and pinching, if it amuses you I’ll let you get away with most anything.
Careful though.
Mark your territory. Any mark that you put on me is going to be appreciated, scratches, bruises, Lipstick marks, oh God yes, kiss me on the cheek and tell me I can’t wipe it off and I’ll probably just melt.
Have me do things for you, seriously any task that would get most guys the “best boyfriend/husband in the world award” is something I want to do, and I want to be told to do it. Want your nails done? check. Pick up tampons? I’m on it. Kill a spider? I’ll call the exterminator.
This last one might be the silliest. I feel foolish just typing it out but, Titles. I get breathless just thinking about getting to a place where I can deliver a sincere and devoted “yes, ma’am.” I’m blushing just fucking writing this, it’s ridiculous.
That’s romantic right? These things aren’t terribly intimidating are they? It’s not particularly weird of kinky that I want this is it? Because this is how I would like the day to day romantics of a relationship to look like, I don’t know why this should be so difficult to find.
“That’s romantic right?”
Yes yes, a hundred times yes!!
Maybe a hundred eleventy billion times. Or more.
Ferns
Thanks Ferns, I’m glad you think so, I think so too.
But, why do I get the sense that most of these desires would be met with raised eyebrows and refusal?
This post has literally made my day. I’d like to third that yes!
I think it would be hard for many women to see a problem with what you have set out above. It’s wonderful to see the romantic side of the dynamic expressed. I think people are embarrassed to express romantic emotions because it is generally seen as sappy and that all people “should” want is some gritty, macho fucking. But there’s nothing lovelier than a little tenderness. Our culture is so sexualized that romance has got a bit neglected. The love of a good person, after all, is edifying in a way that nothing else is. It annoys me that people should be embarrassed to ask for romance if that is what they need to make them feel fulfilled and happy. There’s no shame in romance – it’s beautiful and nourishing. ^_^
I’m happy you liked it.
I hope you’re right that this isn’t something women will have a problem with.
I feel a bit embarrassed about how excited I get over sappy romantics. I’ve been ridiculed for being a cheesy romantic in the past and I think that’s stuck with me. I think I’ll probably always struggle a bit with asking for what I want, which is why I focus so much on finding someone who wants the same thing as I do.
Found your blog randomly, and have been reading for the past few days.
I believe you and I may be of extremely similar, if not exact, mind frames.
Really enjoy reading your posts.
It’s lovely to find someone who shares your ideas of romance and excitement.
Hope you find the woman who is your perfect opposite. 🙂
Hey Misspuke,
I’d be interested in knowing how you found my blog, I poked around yours a little and didn’t see anything about BDSM, which seems to be a consistent interest for my readers.
I’m pleased you’re enjoying my posts.
Thanks for the well wishes.
honestly, i just did a random search on wordpress for masochism.
i apologize for my blog. haha. it’s mostly a joke. exaggerated ranting on unimportant things.
i assure you, it is more of an internet-persona than the person i really am.
i’m a self-proclaimed ‘romantochist’.
most of the things i’ve read on your blog, i’ve related to completely.
Ha Romantocist! I like that. I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog.
My hunch is that what you’re looking for won’t be much harder to find than it is for any one person looking for their right person, but I know that isn’t much comfort when you haven’t found them yet.
As for romance or love or displays of affection and BDSM, it exists. When I read this post, I had just sent an email off to J that (I think) talks about this sort of love and ownership in the context of an (admittedly imperfect) D/s relationship. If I can get over my worry that posting it publicly somehow cheapens something personal, I might just share it.
I’m rooting for you, Peroxide. 🙂 Really, what I’m thinking is that you need to find a girl like me (of course I’d think that… I’m self-centered!). Seriously, I communicate in the ways you’ve mentioned here, I feel all warm and fuzzy about the same things from the other side of the slash, and I’m no special unicorn (despite my illusions of grandeur…)
You’re right, that’s about as comforting as “you’ll understand when you’re older.” But I appreciate the sentiment.
I’d like to see that letter if you decide to post it. it’s always good to hear from the other side of the slash.
I think a girl like you might be precisely what is in order for me, as I’ve said before your enthusiasm coming from being vanilla is impressive, and it gives me hope that perhaps there are other women who are open minded enough to embrace dominance.
“coming from being vanilla is impressive, and it gives me hope that perhaps there are other women who are open minded enough to embrace dominance.”
Yes, this! And, you’re the type to give someone the time and space to figure out what that dominance means to her, and to you, and to the relationship. I can’t tell you how important that is, to have someone who doesn’t put too much stock in porn-style-dominance and wants a real girl with real feelings and real smarts who just happens to enjoy being dominant and wielding a whip from time to time.
“that’s about as comforting as “you’ll understand when you’re older.” But I appreciate the sentiment.”
I knew that when I was writing it, and I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t help. What will help is your figuring out what you want and what makes you happy and actively seeking that out (which you’re doing). I imagine sometimes it doesn’t feel so active, but this mental and emotional work you’re doing will make a world of difference later. Plus… all the working out you’re doing can’t hurt 😉
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Well, as Iris said to me the other day, “The fact you want me controlled and as part of your plans just makes me feel happy and loved.”
It takes a certain kind of person to interpret ownership and control as love, especially when we are taught from a young age that those are signs of an abusive person. If two people WANT that, and everything is done out of love, then what in the world could be more romantic than being given everything a person has, their actions, their body, their mind, all of it? And giving yourself to your partner in that manner is damn sure more intense than giving her a dozen roses and saying, “I love you.”
Oh but I struggled with that for years. I thought I was just a bitch for wanting to be controlling and just… dominant. Even when I caught me a sub, I still struggled with it, feeling like I was really just selfish (his poor behavior as a sub didn’t help any). It’s taken a year for me to really embrace my dominance and feel comfortable with it. I was mostly vanilla before this too, but the need to control was always there. Don’t rule out the vanilla girls, just understand they may need some time and maybe a little gentle prodding.
In the end, I think there’s just so much of what society teaches us that we have to undo to be who we really are. If you want to be owned, if you want someone to call Ma’am, if you want all those things you mentioned, you’ll find it. You’ve got the right attitude, which is refreshing to see 🙂
I think a big aspect of what give D/s a romantic appeal to me the honesty and trust required to make it work. I mean, that I want this is my big dark secret and to be able to share that without fear and to make it a focal point of a relationship… I don’t even have words for how loved that would make me feel.