I originally posted this on Tumblr, before I started this blog. I’m quite satisfied with this little post on masochism, and occasionally link it to other things, (like most recent post) but every time I do I have to hunt through my archives to find it, so Now I’m putting it here where it’s easy to find.
I live with a couple of dudes who on a scale of “one to bro” rate at about a 6.5, and having taken a university course on the psychology of sex one of my roomies was privy to some sort of panel put on by the local “kink” community.
Which, rather than leading him to the conclusion that various BDSM activities were part of the normal spectrum of human desire, he seems to have gotten the impression that people who want such things are a pack weirdos. (Honestly, he might have been better off getting his information from CSI.)
So, I’ve given some thought to how to explain some of my desires to someone vanilla should the need ever arise. While still not sure how to explain why the idea of being submissive/subservient/obeisant to a lover turns me on. I find my masochistic fantasies much easier to explain.
It’d be simplest for me to liken it to getting a tattoo, which can be excruciating at the time but you stick with it cause you want the ink; and then, the endorphins afterwards, they’re something else. But hey, maybe even that is too extreme for ya.
Well, how about spicy food. I mean so hot you’re sweating throughout the meal. Downing water by the pitcher, and where in the fuck is the waiter with my refill?! You don’t stop eating just cause it hurts, you ordered it knowing it would, and the pain is part of the pleasure.
Even so , maybe you don’t like hot stuff.
You’ve probably watched a sad movie, so sad it made you cry, and even though it made you sad, you were still glad you watched it. Just getting that release, it was powerful you’d watch it again.
If Old Yeller isn’t your thing, there’s also scary movies. You might not like being scared in real life, but safe in your living room or in a movie theater, it’s ok to have your pants scared off, to feel your heart jump in your chest.
Pain, sadness, fear, they aren’t always good but you might choose to indulge in them willingly for the rush they bring.
I mean, it’s not like I get a hard on from stubbing my toe, but the right person at the right time giving me the right type of pain, that’ll get me hot under the collar.
I’m on vacation. I just rented a road bike and rode over 40 miles through the local wine country. Yes, it was hot, tiring, and a little dangerous at a few points. But it was also fun, exhilirating, and left me pretty sore and tired.
Naturally, I want to do it again.
Nobody questions a person who plays on a local amatuer sports league. Nobody looks askance when you limp around, or sport bruises or broken bones from being a weekend warrior. It’s only when sex gets involved that people freak about getting hurt.
I agree, and yet I’m compelled to be contrary here.
I think extreme sports make for a slightly more apt comparison. Cycling has been in the public eye for over a century, had you done a 40 mile trek on a penny-farthing in your spandex shorts in 1817 you probably would have caused quite a stir.
Did Mrs. Edge come along on this trek? because BDSM is a bit difficult to engage in solo (how I wish that weren’t the case)
Now if you Tom, showed up to a church bake sale with a arm you broke while skateboarding or detached retina’s from bungee jumping, people would probably react with a “good lord, what were you thinking.” rather than a shrug and “that’s the price we pay for doing what we love.”
I think for the most part what BDSM needs is more positive exposure until people understand that it’s not all that scary (and the parts that are are good scary.)
I think the part that is difficult for people to understand is how pain can be: 1) sexually arousing; and 2) intentionally experienced as part of a loving relationship. Like you, I’m baffled to explain why…even to myself.
It’s the context that’s really arousing isn’t it? I’ve yet to hear from anyone who gets a stiffy from stubbing their toe. Not that why the context makes pain arousing is much easier to explain…
There is another nice example for explaining it, that is even directly related to sex. A lot of “vanilla” people like being scratched while having sex. So i argue: Have you ever been scatched during sex? yes? If i would pull down your back with my nails, just right now, it would hurt a lot. right? when that person did that while having sex with you, you did not care or even liked it? well, it is the same principle.” of course, depending on who i talk to i would phrase that differently. but in my experience this works rather well to give peole a basic understanding (besides the outcome, like endorphins, adreanalin and so on…)
I went with a non-sexual explanation because my hypothetical target audience is Christian. As you might imagine sex-positivist thought and Christianity don’t go hand-in-hand nearly as often as I’d like.
I figure that giving tactile examples of an endorphin rush that anyone might have experienced regardless of their sexual history would be the most accessible way to explain the phenomenon.
Like riding on a rollercoaster, perhaps? You’re terrified, and you’ve intentionally duped your body into thinking it’s gonna die – but the rush is exhilarating and afterward it feels like the most fun you’ve ever had.
I genuinely have no idea how I would ever explain it from a dominant perspective to a kink-averse person.
Roller coaster could be a very apt description.
As to the appeal of sadism/topping, well I’m not exactly the person to ask, but after giving it some thought I think… Tickling. Maybe, I mean why do you tickle somebody, if not for the reaction?
Or there’s this thing I’ve only ever seen women do, where, if a dude has a stray hair, like that one curly black hair growing out of his arm for no reason, she’ll pluck it with no warning.
Or oooh! there is like an entire genre of youtube videos of (retch!) women popping pimples on like their boyfriend’s back.
I think the appeal is a combination of desires for control, reaction and curiosity. And I think there are plenty of women who will tell a man to hold still while they do something painful (another one putting alcohol/iodine/peroxide (ha!) on a scrape) in non sexual contexts without batting an eyelash but are socialized into thinking kinky sex play is unladylike and gross.