I miss Tavi.
This is not unusual for me, indeed it seems I spend more time pining for her than with her. Sunday she went to a wedding, so I didn’t get to see her. Friday we had a date planned, but she got food poisoning. And the Sunday prior…
The Sunday prior was cut short because her primary partner called her fat. I don’t think he was being malicious, I think he meant it as a joke, but the careless disregard for how it would make her feel is absurd. Tavi prefers to deal with depression in solitude, so she had me go home early.
I had made dinner too!
I don’t begrudge her that (Though I am rather peeved at her primary for spoiling our evening, not to mention hurting the woman I love.) It’s just been a such a long time since I’ve been with her.
Longer still since we’ve played. We both are dealing with anxiety and depression. While I want affection and distraction from my unhappy mental state, Tavi wants isolation, low key, relaxation. I think that’s what’s going on, and be supportive of that since I know *exactly* how it feels.
But I wonder if she’s less interested in me because our intimacy is hindered, in part by limits I’ve set, and in part by limits her primary has set. I worry that that’s causing a distance between us. That she doesn’t want to get hot and bothered by beating me, if she can’t consummate the feelings brought about by play.
I worry that it’s just me that can’t get a rise out of her.
And I miss her.
I miss seeing her twice a week.
I miss carrying around her marks under my clothes.
I miss her laughing at the way she made me scream.
I miss feeling her pressed against me.
I miss being kissed like she was going to tear into me right then and there.
I miss trying new things and having happy news to write about.
Sometimes people say some stupid things without thinking. But really, I don’t know of anyone in western civilization who doesn’t realize that calling a woman fat… even in jest… is a likely recipe for disaster. : facepalm :
On the rest, maybe you should have a wee chat with her to make sure you’re on the same page. Perhaps your misgivings are unfounded. If she needs some isolation, an email could serve to communicate your concerns while still providing her some distance from the potential of your expectation of an immediate reply. 🙂
Indeed, we’re due for a state of the relationship talk soon. There are other things that also need addressing, which might get bumped to the front of the queue though.
So with the previous posts in mind, I have to ask, why don’t you break it up? It doesn’t seem like you’re getting what you need, and furthermore, it sidetracks you from looking for what you ultimately want – a long term monogamous relationship in which you’re submissive. Everyone on the previous posts tells you it’s worth it, but I have to wonder if that’s really true, or if you’re telling yourself that because you think you can’t (or even worse don’t deserve) better. Because at the end of this, you still end up alone, the question is how much time are you going to sink into the relationship and whether it will be worth it long term.
Well, I love her. I don’t want to throw away what we do have because things are strained.
Tavi, has also pressed the issue of whether this relationship is the best thing for me. At the moment I think it is. Yes, it has an expiration date, but I think it’s better than being alone right now.
I try to believe that someday I will be in a relationship that better meets my needs and long term goals, but I don’t think I’m in a position to find that right now. So I want to sink a bit more time into having someone to hold me tight, and boss me around, while I can.