Sometimes.
Sometimes I’m terrified and sometimes I’ve got a cool certainty that all this is alright, and good, and safe. Usually I’m more confident about things when I’m with Tavi. The more time we spend apart, the more worry seeps in, the more I think about the myriad possible negative outcomes of our relationship.
Yes, relationship. Despite not being on the relationship escalator Tavi and I discussed in our post play cuddles how we define our relationship. We’re dating. Which I like, because it means I can say she’s my girlfriend without putting finger quotes around it. I like that it feels less ephemeral than it was. It may not be a permanent arrangement, but I don’t want it to fade away to nothing at the slightest blow.
Still I’m scared. With what I think is good reason. She’s Poly, I’m not. Which for me was a lot easier to process or at least compartmentalize when she was just my play-partner/lady-friend/whatever. It is difficult for me to feel affectionate without being possessive, those emotions always have gone together in my head. But, alas, her Primary is a nice guy and I want to make sure I don’t do anything to jeopardize their relationship, because there is a future there that I can’t promise.
I don’t know if/when/ or what I’m going to tell my parents. I think my mom suspects I’m seeing someone. I don’t like lying, but I’ve already mentioned Tavi in context of her boyfriend. And even if my parents were to be fine with me being in a relationship with a polyamorous (though they’d probably have to have the concept explained to them) woman, They would want details about her and our relationship. They’d want to to know what is prompting me to do something that appeared to be very-much outside my (presented) nature.
And you say you let her do what to you?
I’m scared of what this means emotionally for both of us. The last time I felt this way about a woman, well I’ll give you one guess as to which four letter word I called this feeling. It didn’t last, and afterwards it was like my insides had been torn out and left in a mess all over the floor. I’ve basically made my peace with experiencing that again, but like a soldier about to go over the top, I still have a decent amount of piss-your-trousers-fear left in me. Furthermore I worry about her. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions, but I really don’t want to be responsible for her ever feeling like her guts have ripped out because of me.
We’ve talked about getting me a play collar. Or rather, we’ve decided that that is something we’re going to do, probably next month for my birthday. since both of us find the prospect of me leashed before her very, very exciting. I’m scared of that too. We dabble around D/s, but aren’t making any formal agreements, it’s one of my limits, but still I am if not submissive, very tractable to her will. A play collar is probably going to be a huge deal for me and I’m very excited about the possibilities but I’m not sure how I’ll react to it actually being around my neck
I’m scared of this ending, I don’t want it to be over. I’m scared of it going on too long, that the time I spend with Tavi will eventually be a regret for some reason. I’m scared that I’ll become convicted and have to end the relationship for my spiritual well being. I’m scared that I’ll leave my faith so that I can stay with her.
All these little fears and worries pick at me all time. Except when we’re together, She makes me so happy, happier than I’ve been in years. With her my worry box gets sealed up and put away. The future is far away and all that matters is being in her embrace and making her smile.
…and there is no such thing as holding on too tight.
In a way, I think worry is good because it means and shows that you care. I know that’s obvious but what I’m trying to say is that a little bit of worry/fear is good. Have you spoken about these worries with Tavi? Maybe it would help? Also, congratulations that this is turning out well for you both. 🙂
Ironically I don’t worry too much about my worrying. I also feel like it means I’m on point. We’ve discussed most of these things, some more in depth than others. But yeah, talking more should help.
Hi, Peroxide.
You know, my friend Aggie writes a blog called Solo Poly, which is by and for people who are poly (or, like you, involved with someone who is) but do not have a primary partner. You can read what she has to say about not being on the “relationship escalator” here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel like being involved with poly people widens your dating pool because you choose not to engage in some forms of sex — a restriction that might be a dealbreaker for some monogamous folks?
Hey Lily,
I’m going to go give that a gander, because I think that could be a handy resource right about now.
Do you feel like being involved with poly people widens your dating pool because you choose not to engage in some forms of sex?
I suppose it does. Though I didn’t go looking for that, I got involved with Tavi cause she’s awesome and we have marvelous chemistry, I’ll concede that she probably would be less keen on my no sex limit if she wasn’t getting some elsewhere.
I don’t know that there are many other people in my position of being interested in a romantic/bdsm connection, but not open to sex, but for those who are, dating poly partners may still present difficulties. It creates a fair amount of cognitive dissonance in me, at least.
I have a few friends who are asexual who identify as poly in part because they feel it makes it easier for them to develop the kind of relationship they want to have with someone without feeling like they’re depriving the other person of something that’s central to their own sexual expression. Small sample, but the two folks I know who are doing it are pretty happy with the whole thing.
Ah well, that makes sense. I was thinking more from the perspective of old-fashioned no-sex-before-marriage thing, which seems to be a small crowd these days, many members of which do not seem like the sort of people who would be open to this sort of arrangement.
I don’t know that there are many other people in my position of being interested in a romantic/bdsm connection, but not open to sex, but for those who are, dating poly partners may still present difficulties. It creates a fair amount of cognitive dissonance in me, at least.
I can certainly believe that. A relationship is a relationship. I have those feelings about my own poly relationships too.
I can handle dating a poly partner, but I cannot even comprehend how poly works for those who are. Like, I’ve wrapped my head around the basic logic of it, but it doesn’t make sense to me that it actually works for anyone. Not that I doubt that it’s working, I just don’t understand how.
Some folks (not me) contend that poly is a bit like sexual orientation, and thus if it doesn’t “make sense” to you, then it’s a bit like being a straight man and only really being able to understand what it’s like to be attracted to a man on an intellectual level.
For me, I love two people. Each of them gets very specific things out of their relationship with me, and the size and shape of those things suits what they need and want.
I could buy the orientation idea, that makes sense to me.
I, personally have never experienced romantic affection for more than one person at a time, and have a predilection towards thinking of romantic love as being too all-consuming for it to be possible to possess for more than one person at a time.
(Though, it may be the last of my foolish youthful idealism that gives me that idea.)
I haven’t got my head around the whole poly concept either. I was in an open relationship previously and we dated but we didn’t really love each other… so I guess, for me, it was more like… I was living with him and we dated other people. Not sure if that’s poly? Probably isn’t.
But try to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying – see your previous post for inspiration on that. Out of all of this, you’re getting good experiences (sometimes they come with some negative emotions as well) and you’re learning more about yourself and what it is that you want in the long-term… even if this doesn’t last long-term for you, you can still have fond memories in future years.
Sozzels? is that you? Using a new handle are we? Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.
try to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying
Marvelous suggestion, why didn’t I think of that?
I am trying to spend as much time enjoying as possible, and I’m racking up good experiences like I never expected (just wait for my next post) and yet a good deal of worry seeps into my life. It’s a side effect of introspection, which I think is a good quality to have. But indeed, Carpe Diem is the word of the day.
Oh, I have an idea what the next post might be, if a conversation we’ve had is an indication. Do I have the right idea, Peroxide? You never told me how your Thursday night went.
Indeed you do. It was a much better experience than I anticipated and as soon as I’m done with dinner I get to work writing it down
Oui, C’est moi. People were getting confused between my site name and fetlfe name, so I decided to streamline! 🙂
I think, at this point, hurt is inevitable for someone, and possibly for multiple people. All I can say is this: make sure the pain is worth it by making the very most of what you have while you have it.
I actually think you’re right, Tomio, but mainly in the sense that every relationship ends except the last one.
I don’t want to be glib — if Peroxide eventually wants to find love in a traditional monogamous marriage, then any partner he might have in a poly arrangement would have to be “left behind,” which might be very painful. By the same token, Peroxide might find the limitations of the current relationship don’t work for him anymore, and that might be painful for him.
But I very thoroughly agree with your sentiment about making the most of what you have while you have it. I’m certainly motivated by the same thing. Very often the Janis Joplin anthem “Get It While You Can” is playing in my head. (Which, after a quick Google, I find to my delight she actually performed on…wait for it…the Dick Cavett Show. No, really: http://youtu.be/3V5zw_e0sy0).
Well the upside of inevitability is that I don’t have to worry about it any further.
I’m scared of this ending, I don’t want it to be over. I’m scared of it going on too long, that the time I spend with Tavi will eventually be a regret for some reason. I’m scared that I’ll become convicted and have to end the relationship for my spiritual well being. I’m scared that I’ll leave my faith so that I can stay with her.
This is all too familiar. Certain relationships are like that–very high risk, very high reward–and there are times when it’s easy to think that no matter what you do, how fast you rush forward or how stolidly you stand back, it’s going to hurt. You just meant to get your feet wet, and you’re wading deeper than you meant to perhaps, but in some ways it’s a blessing that this relationship came with a warning about the rip tides: you know where the risks are. Hopefully that makes them easier to avoid. And if this relationship is good, and you connect and enjoy each other’s company, it’s worth it.
I’m not sure what to say except that I agree. I am aware of the risks, they worry me, but overall it so, so worth it.
Hurt is inevitable… unless maybe you stay together for the rest of your lives and then manage to die simultaneously. When in the throes of infatuation, we don’t like to think about the hurt, and usually that’s fine. Enjoy it!
I’ve seen people who thought that they were too jealous to ever be poly become pro-poly activists. In my experience, the key to working through jealousy is motivation. And it sounds like you’re pretty motivated 🙂 I hope the challenges aren’t too painful and you continue to get the wonderful joy you’re feeling in this relationship.
I’m fairly certain that it’s going to hurt eventually, but I’m trying to stay focused on the delightful present rather than the dour future possibilities.
I think that it’s that same present and enjoyment focused mindset that is helping me deal with the issue of Tavi’s polyamory. If it is more about what makes her happy than how my rather conservative ideas about romance would frame and build a relationship, then it doesn’t bother me.
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