So, how do I start this?
Firstly, touch is my primary love language. It’s one of the main ways I express affection. I usually avoid touching people I don’t like or know, and I’m very touchy feel-y with people I do like. With people I love, Tavi for example, I literally cannot get enough of touching her.
Secondly, nearly all of my sexual fantasies involve going down on a woman. In my fantasies if I’m not getting fucked, I’ve got my head between her legs.
And so, I’ve decided that it no longer makes sense for me to keep oral sex (and other non-penetrative acts) on my hard limits.
You have no idea the sheer force of will it has taken not to do this every time I’ve knelt before her.
I want to emphasize that is my decision, Tavi has always been very supportive of my limits. Actually, it’s funny because she hasn’t pressured me at all, but my ex (who I met at church camp) pushed me constantly into things I wasn’t comfortable with.
I brought this up with Tavi a couple weeks ago, and she told me I needed to think about it for a while, to make sure that it wasn’t a decision I would regret. Once my mind was made up, I needed to get a full battery of STI testing. Which is what I did today, and where the title comes in.
I got an appointment at my local Planned Parenthood (They’re awesome, you should support them) for after work today. Rushed home, changed and headed out. I did all the paperwork and all that jazz, and waited for a while. They had scheduled me for just the basics, and since Tavi has multiple partners, one of the stipulations for sexual play is that everyone is tested for Everything. It took a little convincing to get the doctor to agree to all the testing, since she thought it was superfluous, but I got the full battery.
Which included a couple of blood draws. Awesome.
I was a little nervous about the needles. I did fine with the initial stick, I was fine as she tried to get it into my apparently “rolling” vein. I was fine as she plugged in the tube.
Then the tube filled with blood and I was no longer fine.
Pretty much almost this.
I told her I was feeling a bit woozy, and she had me take some deep breaths. I didn’t think I needed to lie down. She got the second tube on, and then I had to lie down. I closed my eyes and focused on not passing out.
The nurse finished and got me a 7up and a cool cloth for my forehead.
I recovered quickly enough, Texted back and forth with Tavi, who chastised me for not having eaten beforehand. I finished up at the front desk, and they told me I should know in a about a week. Then I went a got some shawarma, to alleviate my hunger and celebrate my imminently being used in the way I most want to be used.
You won’t have to hold me in place, but you can if you want.
Please don’t hate me for this.
You’ve said before that sex (all sex, including oral) is not okay for you outside of a lifetime commitment. But….
“And so, I’ve decided that it no longer makes sense for me to keep oral sex (and other non-penetrative acts) on my hard limits.”
You cited two reasons(?): 1) you communicate through touch, and 2) you fantasize about oral sex.
I assume those two reasons aren’t new events — I imagine you’ve known for some time that you communicate through/enjoy touch, and I imagine fantasizing about oral sex isn’t a new discovery either.
So, if both of your reasons are old news, what’s changed? I guess I’m wondering what your reasons for abstaining from sex (specifically oral sex) were before, and I’m wondering how those reasons (whatever they are) no longer make sense.
Urgh… you hate me, don’t you? I’m sorry.
No no, it’s just.. .gah, I don’t have a logical reason for why I feel OK about this, other than the level of commitment we’re at currently makes me want to do this.
I’m not saying that there is any fundamental moral difference between oral sex and intercourse, but the latter I’ve always had firmly reserved for a lifetime commitment, the former, I’ve experimented with just a bit in a previous relationship.
I had thought that I’d keep the sexual contact to a minimum, by writing it down I felt more committed to it. But, (and this is what’s changed I guess) Having acknowledged that I’m in love with Tavi I feel more comfortable expressing that on a physical level, and also feel a stronger desire than ever to do so.
I don’t expect the decision to make a ton of sense to anyone but me.
And yeah, I kind of hate you just a little. (not really though, that’s just a difficult question.)
Whew, I’m glad you asked it instead of me, D. I was a little bit confused by the apparent revision of limits. But the explanation clears it up a little bit. If it isn’t a “new frontier,” it’s a bit different, and love can do funny things to people.
I was expecting to answer some hard questions, but that’s not the same thing as being prepared to answer them.
I’ve been considering this change for a while and chose not to write about it because I didn’t want to be convinced to change my mind.
Of course I have some nigglesome doubts, but I’m as sure about this as anything else.
You didn’t LOOK at the blood did you?
Last time I got a blood test, it involved me trembling, sweating, hyperventilating, and covering my eyes with my other hand. They brought in a second nurse to hold my arm down because they didn’t believe I would hold it still (Of course I’d hold it still! I don’t want that needle going anywhere it’s not meant to!). Before stabbing (or poking, whatever) my arm, they had this discussion about what sort of line they’d use, and one of the nurses went, “Oh, I’ve never done one of those,” and then they agreed that that’s what they should do.
Afterward, one of the nurses asked my doctor when I’d need to do this again. Upon hearing that it wouldn’t be for another year, the nurse exclaimed, “Oh, thank God!” Then she tried to explain to me that she’d said that because she didn’t want me to have to go through that again (and not that SHE didn’t want to go through that again).
Yeah, I don’t like blood tests very much. Congrats on making it through them, though.
Yeah, I peeked a bit. Didn’t really mean to, but didn’t expect it to have that effect. Sounds like you’ve got it a bit worse than me though.
Was the problem with the blood about not eating? Or was it just seeing the blood flowing out of your body and into the tube?
I know you already answered (Not Really) Dumb Domme, but I wanted to push the point a bit more….
You have always SOUNDED like you meant no sexual contact whatsoever until marriage. Of course, it would be rather unwieldy to continually say, “I am saving penis-in-vagina stuff for later but I’m okay with touching, stroking, licking, etc…”
It sounds to me like your limits are…evolving – and that is not a bad thing. Sometimes being with someone who respects your limits simply allows you time to explore which ones need to be in place and which ones don’t. This is a very good thing, and I think it happens in ALL serious relationships. In fact, it probably happens often. (At any rate, I know there are things I’ve done with Mistress Delila that would have been beyond my limits with others…)
Back to the point, while you have done oral before, and, for whatever reasons, it IS in a different category than other activities, I think it WOULD have been a strong limit for you a month or two ago – love changes things. I don’t want to caution you against any evolution of limits, only to be aware that it happens.
My major concern for you is on the issue of multiple partners. I know that it is possible for some people to truly love more than one person at a time, but it is also true that it is equally impossible for some of us to do that. When a couple is made up of one person from each of those groups, it is going to take a LOT of communication and tender concern for each other to juggle those desires/needs as you move forward. I say this only because I want you two to be very happy together.
By the way, I TOTALLY understand the need to give pleasure orally. For me, it is a thrill like no other to be treated to Her scent, Her heat, Her pleasure…
It was probably a combination of both lack of food and seeing the blood. But as they say, Shwarma heals all wounds.
That is an extremely well reasoned response. Ans better articulates what’s going on than I had. I have in the last written with a stronger tone on the subject to convince myself of its importance and hold firmly against something that I might’ve otherwise rushed headlong into.
The communication in this relationship is better than in any other I’ve had. The fact that Tavi is Poly, has been much less of an issue than I thought it would. I’ve dealt with some jealousy, and some fear that she couldn’t love me like I live her while she has other partners. But she seems to, and she’s very good to me.
I don’t even have the words for how eager I am to taste her. (Plus I’m in lunch and dwelling on it will make it hard to return to my shift inconspicuously.)
Hi! I’m pretty new to your blog. I just wanted to say that it’s great to hear from another young person who is so responsible about sexual health (getting tested).
Good for you.
FWIW, I get tested for everything every four months that I am sexually active. Oral is safe. Use latex barriers for everything else, and you’ll never have a problem.
Hi, Thanks for reading!
This was the first time for me getting tested, since I haven’t been sexually active, and since I intend only to do oral, several of the tests are pretty superfluous, but it’s a good for peace of mind.