Clarisse Thorn, who I’ve been reading more and more recently, posted a comment on her most recent post that really encapsulates something I’ve been trying to express for a while.
… people have fragmented selves and non-unified minds; we’re pulled in so many directions by biology, culture, outside incentives, etc. But when people think compassionately and with empathy, that often involves treating people as though they have unified selves….when you are trying to treat another person well, you have to convince yourself that they know what they want ….
You may remember my attempt at explaining how complicated my head space was during my first little BDSM experience. In that situation it’s like I’m trying to deal with three or four different minds.
ID-Peroxide, who just wants sex and pain and stimulus, and is unabashedly thrilled by new experiences.
Thinking and Feeling Peroxide, who needs there to be limits based on what physical actions might lead to emotional connection, that can’t reasonably be expected to work out, can be bargained with.
Thinking/Feeling Peroxide does this all fucking day.
Religious Peroxide, who gets ignored sometimes and speaks up unexpectedly at others, sets a few hard fast rules that really can’t be broken with out a metric fuck-tonne of guilt and angst.
So when it comes to BDSM, I’m supposed to have limits, well part of me wants none, doesn’t care just wants to be used.
Part of me is allowing me to do this so long as it doesn’t include A,B or C, until I’m married (and obviously X,Y, and Z are off limits entirely.)
For this post I might as well just picture my religious self like this.
And part of me knows that I can’t just idly do D, E, or F with out forming an emotional tie, that doesn’t seem feasible in the long run, and should therefore be avoided so as to minimize the chance of heartbreak.
This is complicated further by barely being able to talk about sex with out getting somewhat embarrassed. Which seems odd to me, in many situations I’m unflappable but I have a hard time talking about sex explicitly.
I think sometimes about pursuing casual play, there are days when I really want nothing more than a good beating, but that might just be ID-Peroxide talking. If that does end up being something I do, I’m not sure how I’d explain to a potential play partner, what my limits where and why.
Religious Peroxide’s ability to control ID-Peroxide only goes so far
Great post, my friend. In sociological terms, this is called “role conflict.” This is the strain from multiple roles pulling a person in incompatible directions (“role” in this use is not like an actor’s role, where you pretend to be something, but rather a specific position in society that has specific expectations for behavior). In psychoanalytic terms, it is the conflict between the Id, Ego, and Superego (which I think you have correctly identified).
From your description, though, it seems like most of this conflict would likely disappear if you were committed to a BDSM relationship with a compatible person. That doesn’t make it any less stressful, but it means it is “situational” instead of “pathological.” As much as it sucks to hear, the answer is to keep trying to find someone.
Incidentally, I identify strongly with every step of this post. It wasn’t long ago that I was caught in the same type of angst. The love of a good woman is a wonderful thing.
I knew ID off the top of my head, but I wasn’t certain which was Ego and Superego. Ok, so “role conflict” it’s got a name, that’s immensely gratifying, it’s like knowing what species of python is crushing you.
If it is situational, which I agree it seems to be, then I’m working on extricating myself from this. The question is, how to describe this role conflict without sounding like Gollum:
It’s good to hear that someone else went through this, and came out the other side. Though I worry that I’m pinning too many of my hopes on a woman I don’t even know.
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I realize this is an older post, but I just have to say that I love that you include Muppet references in your blog! I mean…who doesn’t love the Muppets?
The Muppets are Captial-A Awesome! I make a point of watching A Muppet Christmas Carol every year for Christmas, and I really want to own the Muppets Tonight DVD box set so my kids can watch them some day.
Right! If I could find season DVDs of the Muppet Show I’d probably have a marathon and forget that I don’t have a life for a few hours.
Ugh. I see I failed at editing my comment before hitting the button. Especially annoying when I’m trying to make a living off writing and consider myself a pretty decent writer. Oh well. I’ll blame it on this mild hangover. haha
Here you go.
I edited your comment for you, but now you’re going to have to live with the comment about the (now missing) error and it will haunt you for… a little while.
Thank you, thank you. I’m over it already. I’ve just been replacing one fail with another today, so I really don’t have time to dwell on each one……..
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