Since I don’t already spend enough time online I created a reddit account a few weeks ago. Before work this moring I saw this post, and it has been bugging me all day.
So that sucks for Aaron, and it’s not really cool for Brittany here, to publicly announce that the guy giving her a pedicure isn’t boyfriend material for whatever reason. But what’s been bothering me is this exchange in the comments.
How much bullshit is that? That being sweet and selfless for a bit should take one out of the running as relationship material. I don’t know if anyone actually thinks like this, but it would explain some patterns I’ve seen in people’s behavior.
Anyway, I’ve got to go practice being a selfish dick, apparently that’s the way to get all the ladies…
When I was your age – no, seriously, when I was in my early 20s, my friend and I were tired of being friendzoned, so we embarked upon a plan to become “genteel pricks”. We were polite, but not especially accommodating on dates, neglected to call afterwards, and treated women with some degree of aloofness.
Three guesses as to how that worked out for us.
I know, this is a generalization, but if you poke around relationship boards, one of the longest running threads is almost guaranteed to be something like “Why do girls like the jerks?” or “I’m a nice guy, why can’t I find a nice girl?”
This is hardly the first time I’ve seen the message that if you display anything other than callous disregard for a woman, she is going to tell you “you’re a sweet guy, but she thinks of you as a brother.”
And the thing is I know that that’s not the case. But, the OP seems to be exactly that, so the nice guys can’t get girls theory gets another boost.
To be fair, it might be a biased reporting problem. That is, nice guys that have gfs will not be complaining, so we don’t know that side of the statistics.
So, listen – here’s my advice: Play guitar, get a motorcycle, and have a well-paying job.
One of my reoccurring fantasies is to be able to just go back and start over, knowing everything I know now. I’d learn an instrument, develop some sought after skill and, well I could still get a motorcycle without too much trouble, but I can’t really afford two vehicles in Seattle, besides the weather isn’t exactly bike friendly here much of the time.
How does write a blog, drive a car, and have a job, stack up?
Dude, chicks dig musicians. I know a number of them who always have girls around, even thought they don’t have any money.
Chicks dig bikes, too, especially the wilder chicks. You know, the kind that you probably want to be dating.
Re: the blogging? I don’t see many chicks hanging around my place.
“I don’t see many chicks hanging around my place.”
That’s probably because you refer to them as ‘chicks’ and then they want to punch you in the face…!
Moo, motherfucker!
Ferns
You make that sound like a bad thing.
*laugh* Silly me. I forgot who I was talking to!
Ferns
The “nice guys can’t get girls theory” is crap. I’m guessing the chicks who go for the dickish guys are either emotionally unhealthy or desirous of a dominant partner and maybe not realizing it. Of course I could be wrong.
I think being a respectful, nice guy would be particularly attractive to a dominant woman, but I may just be projecting there. My husband is the quintessential nice guy and it was one of the biggest things that attracted me to him from the beginning.
I agree. I also think, part of it has also got to be jealous self-proclaimed “nice guys” either only hearing about the object of their unrequited passions’ boyfriends when she is complaining about something, or them just simply hating any guy that’s got a girl.
And some of it is probably, being in denial that a woman might want to be physically attracted to the man she is with, (Since women aren’t ever visually motivated) so the “only difference” between the guy with the girl and the nice guy, is one is just a jerk and girls like jerks.
It’s petty bullshit, but it’s also a comforting bit of… schadenfreude isn’t quite the right word… self centered rationalization, for dealing with rejecting. “I’m nice, and girls don’t like nice guys” feels better than “This girl that I like, isn’t attracted to me.”
Ugh. I have a post brewing on ‘nice guy syndrome’… I should finish that thing.
Short story: This doesn’t only work for men.
When I was young, I was ‘the bitch’, not because I was playing games, but because I mostly and genuinely wasn’t interested in the boys who liked me, I really didn’t care if they went away. Guess what? Being uninterested made boys crazy, they loved it. Ignoring them, treating them badly, saying ‘No, go away’, being unavailable, being all cool made them come back ten times harder, try and try over again. Why? Because part of the thing is the chase, of wanting the unattainable, of *not* wanting what is too easily available. I found the entire thing fascinating and oh so weird.
I also think that sometimes (often?) the chase is the only part and being caught is the end of the attraction.
I think it’s a very emotionally immature thing, but some people never grow out of it.
Me though, I was just a bitch.
Ferns
C’mon, part of it is the fact that it’s you we’re talking about. Frankly I’m surprised your entire nation hasn’t collapsed into Mad Max style Chaos as all of the men (and some of the women) vied for your affection in the Thunderdome. (Thunderdome, that’s the name of the fancy white building that looks like a pile of seashells in Sydney right?)
I’ll concede that some of it may be the chase, but High school me, got a rejection or two (almost definitely on account of my horrendous acne at the time.) and that cooled my passions. The Chase, never really appealed too me (who’da thunk?) I actively try and avoid catching nice guy syndrome, though there have been times when I was susceptible.
*laugh* Yes, that thing’s totally the Thunderdome!
“I’ll concede that some of it may be the chase, but High school me, got a rejection or two…and that cooled my passions.”
Right, I completely understand that, and I agree that only some of it is the chase, but I do believe that some people just don’t want what is right there and readily available… it’s just too easy, not exciting, not challenging. Playing chasey is fun. If the person just stands there and doesn’t even run, where’s the screamy excitement in that (you should see how smug I am over that little analogy… it’s very sad!)?
If the jerk is a jerk of the attractive-to-the-opposite-sex kind, they will often dangle just enough to keep the other person interested (i.e. a big gesture of loveliness, then a kind of ‘who are you again?’), and I think the ones who *like* the jerks seek out that emotional roller coaster because it makes them *feel* those spiky extremes (wild happiness/terrible depression).
For those ’emotional rollercoaster’ people, someone stable and reliable and kind and ‘present’ and all those good things doesn’t fulfil that need for the angsty nervousness that makes them feel like they are living on the edge of sublime happiness (and never quite getting there). In other words, they find ‘nice’ to be boring and predictable and that’s not what trips their trigger. They think that *they* will be the one to change the jerk because *they* are different to the others, and when they do, it will be an amazing triumph and a tribute to their awesomeness and this special love that they have with this person and etc.
It’s a complicated dance.
So, does ‘nice guy/girl syndrome’ happen? You betcha. Does it happen to all nice guys/girls? Oh hell no. But once you are in the ‘nice’ box, you can pretty much pack up your genitals and mail them to your mom for all the use they are going to be to you.
Ferns
Hmmm… okay, so I get my cute avatar back, but my web address doesn’t get linked…
*sigh*
Stupid thing *kick*
Ferns
I see your web address, but not your cute avatar? what gives? I think your kicking broke my blog.
I made another test comment explaining the problem (probably sitting in your spam or something). I logged in with my Twitter account to see what would happen… in that comment I got my avatar back, but my hyperlink was (naturally) to my Twitter account.
In short, your comments suddenly will NOT let me post just by filling in my details and using my real email address: I get an error that says “You must be logged in to comment with that email address.” WTF?! So suddenly, I can’t use that email address, which is what provides the link to my cute avatar. This all used to work.
I did not break it… YOU broke it!! *kick*
Meh, not really important.
Ferns
I deleted your test comment as per your request.
I see, though (by checking my trash) that your cute little avatar did indeed appear there, but not here. I haven’t tweaked anything, and Tom and UF’s avatars and links work, so…
I don’t know what to tell you, I personally like having my avatar up and the correct screen-name more than having a direct link back to my blog, so I use my Google account to comment on DumbDomme’s blog, because for whatever reason it was posting my comments under the name Submissiveinseattle (or at least it did once) and so I do what I have to to make it look right.
Was that last kick aimed at me? Careful, you’re going to get me all worked up.
Ugh… Your comments suddenly suck. That’s all I have to say about it.
*flounce*
Ferns
Hey!
My comments are witty, insightful, and tastefully laced with pop cultural references. My comment section is what sucks. Just so we’re clear about why you’re flouncing
PS Feel free to delete all of my comments about comments… they aren’t adding anything useful, obviously.
*re-flounce*
Ferns
You’re kicking and flouncing all over my blog, and you think I’m going to delete it because it’s off topic? bah.
I love a good rabbit trail, (or even a bad one) I’m keeping them, unless you’d prefer they disappeared.
“My comments are witty, insightful, and tastefully laced with pop cultural references.”
This is God’s own truth! I stand corrected.
“I love a good rabbit trail”
Oooh, look! A treasure trail! Where does that lead now…?
Oh wait… you said rabbit trail… that’s really not the same thing is it?
Ferns
“… I’m keeping them, unless you’d prefer they disappeared.”
That was beyond cute!
Ferns
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