There was a post I was thinking about writing at one point, about how silly it is that first piece of advice often given to people beginning to explore kink is to have a safeword. Actually, I still think it’s a little ridiculous for the first piece of advice for a couple beginning to experiment with kink to be “pick out a safeword.”
It’s not that they aren’t valuable, but I feel they aren’t necessary until you’re involved in play where No, and Stop, and Ow-owwie-ow-ow-that-hurts-really-bad, won’t cut it because the bottom wants to be able to say those things without actually stopping play. I feel like if you can’t tell that the person you’re playing with really needs you to stop, then you either don’t know each other very well, or you aren’t paying enough attention.
A married couple who are looking to add a little spice to the bedroom, probably know what one another look like when they aren’t enjoying themselves, and a Honey, seriously, stop! should be enough to get them through any difficulties.
Still, I’m kind of glad to have one, even though I haven’t had cause to use it, I’m seeing it’s usefulness.
The thing is, I’m apparently a bit of a wimp. Well, not really, it’s just that even though I am masochistic (certain unnamed physiological reactions to painful stimulus make that abundantly clear) my instinctual reaction to pain is to try an make the pain stop. I’m starting to get a little better at just taking it, but I’m still quite squirmy and once you cross a certain threshold my mouth will, unless obstructed, start to say things like no, and stop, and uuunnng-that-really-hurts-oh-my-gawd without any input from me.
The first night Tavi took me home, for what she called cuddling (which I’ve discovered means there will be some cuddling, then I’m going to hurt you, then more cuddling.) it didn’t take too long before she was biting me hard enough that I was making the sorts of noises you might expect from a man who didn’t want to be bitten any further. She then informed me that, if I really wanted things to stop I had to say “safeword.”
I always want to be bitten further.
Of course I never really really wanted it to stop, though my mouth might say so, and my body would try to get away from the pain, I wanted it enough to not say the one thing that would actually stop the fun.
There have been one or two times where it’s hurt enough that, well I wouldn’t say that I ever got to the point where I was debating safewording, but I have been cognizant of the fact that I could do so, and chose not to.
Masochism, is a funny thing. At least for me, I don’t think that just the pain itself is a turn on. The fact that I don’t get a stiffy from a stubbed toe, means that context is the more important aspect. I really delight in taking pain from Tavi, but I don’t think it’s all just seeing her enjoyment either, though that is definitely a big part of it. I know the light pain of being handled roughly, scratching, gentle biting, that sends blood rushing straight away from my head.
But the larger pains; things that take the breath from me, that make me cry out, they fucking hurt. I want to try and get away from them. I react to that sort of pain like everybody does, I think. Except, after it’s over I’m left excited, and turned on and blissed-out, and oh so happy to see Tavi beaming down at me. So I’m happy that we’ve got a safeword, to that my stupid wimpy mouth, and flinchy squirmy body, don’t get in the way of my enjoyment of such wonderful torments.
I like safewords, and one of the reasons is because there is an objective clarity in it, both in meaning and in the word itself.
I don’t think that blurting out ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ is unusual because it’s instinctive when something hurts, and of course, it’s reasonable to stop if that hasn’t happened before and you aren’t sure what it means. Check in, all that. But instinct is instinct.
A safeword can save the submissive from having to think about what to say and how to say it so that they don’t have to mentally process it any further than ‘I need it to stop now… RED!’. It saves them having to do the mental worrying of not wanting to say the wrong thing in the wrong way. A safeword is definitive, quick, and easy, and I like that simplicity.
It doesn’t *replace* other safety mechanisms (know your sub, check in, pay attention to signs, listen etc), but I always give my submissive a safeword.
Ferns
That a safeword doesn’t replace the other safety mechanisms is a good point. It is a much more helpful tool that I had imagined, but it certainly doesn’t represent the only precaution that people need to take when playing around with BDSM.
Oh, oh, oh! I can contribute based on experience now! I had my first “play” experience on Saturday (having my back, butt, and legs cropped — by the way, it was great). While planning things, we talked about whether to use a safeword or stick to plain English. We went with the common green/yellow/red safeword combo. There were several times when the top I was playing with reminded me that “ouch” isn’t a safeword, something I was well aware of
As it was my first time at all and our first time playing together, it was a fairly light scene, so I never even had to call “yellow.” Because it was so light, we could have used plain English without any confusion. I said “ouch” and “ow” a lot of times, but never “no” or “stop.” But I think I would like to work up to a kind of play where I instinctively say “no” or “stop,” and that doesn’t really work without a safeword.
My play partner did all of the right things besides clearly defining a safeword. She paid attention to my reactions, took occasional breaks to change out crops or feel the warmth of my skin, and regularly checked in and asked me how I was.
Congrats on getting some play! I’m happy to hear that you had a good time.
My experience thus far has been pretty unstructured, cuddles and make outs that turn into hurty goodness, a lot of biting and pinching, some slapping and punching, but no toys or implements so far. Tavi hasn’t done a ton of verbal check ins, or reminded me of my ability to safeword, but she reads me pretty damn well and pushes me for a bit and then slacks off and comforts and soothes away the pain.
I think it may be different if/when we ever get round to less entangled S&M, if I’m not right there underneath her there might be need for more of a ongoing verbal monitoring, but for now i think she can pretty much feel how I’m doing, especially sense I usually start bucking pretty hard if it gets to be close to too much.
I actually don’t care for safewords. I don’t mind adding “red,” “yellow,” and “safeword” to the list of things that mean “stop,” but if I say “no” or “stop,” that needs to mean something. I can’t recall ever saying them involuntarily. That said, “ow” or “that hurts” or cussing or shouting incoherently are not actually saying “no” (and if anything mean “this is great, more please”.
From the top side, I would always pause to check on a “no/stop/wait.” I know this would be (read: has been) disappointing to some people, but it just seems too much like bending the limits of consent for my taste.
No matter what though, it’s good to communicate what will actually mean stop or pause. Just knowing there is something that will work is a major comfort, even if you don’t reach the point of needing it.
I was of the same opinion, that no and stop ought to mean just that (unless of course it is a consensual non-consent scene) but since I’ve found that I involuntarily blurt out such words during our rather unstructured playing, it seems that safewords are for me both helpful and necessary.
Oh, obviously different individuals and relationships need different safeties in place. The important thing, which you seem to have done, is making sure that those safeties are in place before you need them.
Picking a short and memorable safeword that triggers a reaction is really important. My partner is English/Welsh and we’ve chosen to use “tea” (he’s addicted to the stuff!). Really glad you found an appropriate one 😀
I like that “safeword” requires no thought to say, but isn’t easily misspoken, nor does it sound like anything else.
*sighhh…!* This is so perfect. So *natural* and just… sensible. Perfect!
The “step 1: choose a safeword” advice is one of the many “little things” that make me feel a little bit out of place in kinkland— casual play is assumed. That is, fairly heavy play + partners who don’t know each other very well yet. IOW, kinky dating. Kink first, r’ship later. What if you did it the other way around? Seems like it wouldn’t matter, but it actually comes up a lot; the kinkverse is really skewed in the direction of the former. Meh, whatevz. Personally, we don’t have a safeword for exactly the reasons stated: we know each other too well to need one for the things we do. (Although I admit I do sometimes fantasize about needing one!)
To clarify, I have NO problem with “kink first, r’ship later” as a path to a kinky relationship! I’d totally do that.
And I’m not even saying the kinkverse should change (mark the date, LOL)— I’m aware “r’ship first, kink later” is relatively rare. I’m just sayin: it seems that because I took that path, the kinkverse is distinctly less useful to me.
Yeah, I don’t really get what is enjoyable about playing with anyone if you haven’t at least got some sort of report, some connection or chemistry. If rote sensations were enough then I could top myself.
But of course It’s not for me to say what anyone else should be doing.