Something I remember reading when I first started looking into BDSM was that it wasn’t necessarily sexual for some people. This was a little tricky to grasp for me because it is pretty intensely sexual for me.
Well, parts of it are. D/s is definitely how I enjoy my romantic and sexual interactions to play out, Roughness and ownership turn me on, but the (semi) heavy bottoming I do for Tavi isn’t arousing.
Physically at least.
I’m excited by this, but I know she couldn’t beat the jizz out of me, no matter how hard she tried. (Though, I’ll let her try anyways)
For me a caning or spanking tends to be about obedience pain, and release. Submitting to her torment makes me feel like I belong to her, and that is a very hot thought for me. But by the time we end a scene, when she has either had enough, or I break, or we run short of time, I’m not hard. I need to be held and comforted, but I’m not anywhere near “ready to go.”
Tavi on the other hand gets really hot beating the snot out of me, and I love that. That she wants to hurt me until I cry and then push my face between her thighs to take care of what I’ve done is very arousing in fantasy. Mentally I’d say that in the moment it’s very hot as well, it’s just that my body doesn’t react that way to intense pain.
I’m not worried about this, I don’t see many images of heavy bottoms hard and dripping.
Which is ok, I really like what it is that we do… but I’ve never climaxed with a partner. Ever.
And I’d like to share that with her, if I can.
Part of this is I’ve only been sexual with two people. My ex, who I really didn’t feel comfortable moving forward as fast as we were. Any pleasure from her was tinged with guilt and so while we fooled around quite a bit, I never got off.
And Tavi. While we’ve been playing for a some time now, our play has only more recently progressed to a point where we might pursue orgasm together. I’m realizing that if I want to cum with her, or for her, or in front of her part of the roadblock I’m encountering is that beating me works really well as foreplay for her, but not so much for me. (Although I think her claws might be just the right level of pain to get her worked up with having my body become more concerned with getting through it’s ordeal than getting off)
The other thing in the way is, I think a not uncommon problem in this day in age. I’ve been mastubating for about thirteen years, I’ve probably had at least forty-seven-hundred orgasms. Most of them in roughly the same position, and most of them while hyper-stimulated by some piece of erotica. My body is used to cumming alone, in a comfortable position, with lots of stimulation.
I’ve been aware of the possibility of virgin death grip (when guys get accustomed to the full strength of their hand sliding across their glans) and try and switch it up. I don’t know that that is my issue. I think I just need more mental stimulation. For some reason the reality of an evening with Tavi hasn’t been enough to get me off.
Some of it is probably me still trying to become comfortable with receiving pleasure, some of it is probably habits formed by years of masturbation, and some of it is definitely needing more foreplay. Which is so weird for me to acknowledge, since every bit of sex advice I’ve ever read suggests that men basically don’t need foreplay at all, and women need tons.
I really want to cum for her in part, because I’m hoping she’ll find that more exciting that chastity play. I’d much rather be forced to cum, than to not.
I don’t really have a closing thought for this, I’m going to be pondering on it for a while, but I thought that it was an interesting contrast between what turns me on, and what actually gets me off.
Peroxide, I LOVE that you wrote this. I’ve been talking about this exact thing with my Dom, and you articulated many of the points that we’ve been pondering. Dominating me got him aroused, but hurting me didn’t necessarily light his love machine. (pardon the phrase) I, on the other hand, am dripping wet after a caning. Familiarity with our dynamic and our growing emotional and physical intimacy is what’s turning him on the most. Come to find out (no pun intended) that his obstacles to full blown arousal have been mental mostly. This is a very long comment to say, you’re not alone! We’re all complex, sexual beings, and I fully trust that you and Tavi can sort it out. I commend you for thinking it all through. HUGS!
Thank you! I really think this is probably a lot more common that gets talked about. The perceived script of BDSM and sexual intimacy doesn’t seem to have pauses to let my body get past feeling like it was just attacked.
I think more mental stimulation will probably help, but I’m pretty sure heavy bottoming will always leave me needing some cuddling and reassurance before I’m anywhere near physical arousal.
Ant that’s ok, it just doesn’t play out like a fantasy does, and that sort of throws you for a loop.
For me, after childhood I mean, being beaten really did have an erotic aspect. But erotic dimensions now are all, as you say, mental. I have come to like being beaten a lot more than trying to have sex. The idea that somehow I will be beaten and even able or needing sex seems to no longer light my fire. Being humiliated, something I do a lot less, though is erotic sometimes, and if you tried a light session, say just spanking and slapping, then some pretty full on talking, that would work, well I think so.
But caning, whipping, punching, and other heavier things take the mind and the blood of the body, take its defences and its endorphins to another place….and sex is hard after that, and second best. You seem to be succeeding on both fronts – maybe experiment with it a bit. Draw here in…sounds beautiful to me!
Yeah, I think that’s going to be the case for me.
If and when Tavi wants to get me off, some lighter play is probably the way to go, a small amount of pain, just roughness really, will get me going pretty quick.
ps that is a sexy gif….
That’s not the first time you’ve commented on the images I use, You really need to get yourself a Tumblr, It’s where I find all great pictures I use!
My experience is that MOST men get to a point with heavy pain play that *isn’t* ‘cock-hardening arousal’, no matter how masochistic they may be. Once you get to a certain point, the body is really just pain-processing and chemical-rushing and anything else becomes secondary.
I tend to mix pain and pleasure (because I like seeing his cock hard), but if I get really heavy, the ‘pleasure’ part just becomes a distraction from processing the pain. I’d classify my last as a heavy masochist, and I could keep him hard through a lot by mixing it up (light stroking with a bunch of needles through his cock… still hard, aggressive kissing during serious caning… still hard), but once his mind *really* went floating off, his cock would stop responding unless I essentially paused and deliberately paid attention to it (which would change his head space).
I’m interested to know (none of my business of course!) if you think that your chastity doesn’t/wouldn’t remove the issue of not being able to come without your ‘normal’ death grip masturbation because you would be already in a different body-state with the denial.
Ferns
Yeah, I’ve gotten a couple of messages/tumblr comments already that say just that. My brain thinks it’s really sexy to take pain for her, but after a certain point, my body just isn’t having it. And it takes a while to recover afterwards.
MMMMmmmm, That sounds wonderful, and like it would drain the very life out of me. Tavi seems to be more single minded in her application of pain, I can’t really speak to what she’s thinking. But it’s usually brutal, relentless and ends with her being very excited.
It is a little personal to write about but for posterity’s sake I’ll answer this. I have been already trying to address any VDG I might have, but using a lighter touch when I masturbate. So I don’t think that’s the issue per se, so much as a need for more mental stimulation.
The chastity play has made me much better at teasing myself and edging. Something I’d never really cared to do before, but now since I am not allowed to cum most days, I might edge myself just to enjoy that.
I don’t know if that will end up making it easier for me to get hard or get off with Tavi, but I will of course update if/when that happens.
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One of the issues is simple male physiology. We tend to think of arousal directly causing an erection, but it is the relaxation of vascular muscles that leads to an erection. So anything that prevents relaxation – basically, anything that raises your blood pressure – will make it more difficult to get an erection (this is good to know when you start getting older…). Pain, even if you find it erotic, is not relaxing. It raises the blood pressure and makes it less likely you will get an erection. This is why performance anxiety is such a boner-killer.
Something else to consider: the mechanism that produces an erection is NOT directly connected to the mechanism that produces an orgasm. In other words, it is possible to have an orgasm without having an erection. We are so conditioned to thinking that an erection is the first step that we simply do not look to see if it is true.
Your first point is very helpful and probably one of the more frequent inconsistencies between F/m BDSM representation and reality.
The second point is intriguing, and I can remember having orgasms when I wasn’t fully hard in the past, but I don’t think I’ve ever had one at anything less than half mast.
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