I mentioned early on that upon coming to the realization that this was what I wanted, what I needed, then it was all I could think about. I didn’t really go into what that looked or felt like. The thing about sub-frenzy, at least with me, is it dies down eventually, the all consuming flame becomes a slow burn.
Since recently I’ve had gas poured straight onto my bed of coals, I feel just like I did in the beginning.
Just like gas on a match.
Some of what I’m experiencing these days is like a crush, or rather it is a crush: thoughts, feelings, desires directed at a particular person. I’m sure you’re familiar with what that is like, so I don’t need to go into that here.
The other part, the need, that’s… hard to describe, it is a sensation that is for me, uniquely tied to submission/masochism. Perhaps if I had ever been into drugs I might have experienced this before, but let me attempt to describe it the best I can.
Memories of recent play and fantasies about future play are very frequently on my mind. If not for work and other distractions I might say constantly, because right now thoughts of being under her, being pinched, bitten and beaten are pushing every other thought out of my head.
It’s not just like being excessively horny, I’ve been fourteen and this is different. OK, maybe it’s a little like being fourteen. How everything reminds you of sex and you can’t be left alone for five minutes without feeling the need to give yourself a low-five. Like that, only every private moment conjures images of torments that would most people cringe and recoil.
There are times when I can hold a sensation so vividly in my head that I’ll shiver, shudder or even gasp. I’ll twist my face up in reaction to pain I’m not even experiencing, just thinking about feeling it again.
There are times during the day where I’m this close to slipping into this pose at work, and then I remember where I am.
I’m anxious to feel these sensations again (or others for the first time.) I play with my bruises (which are beginning to yellow and fade,) I snap my wrists with rubber bands till they are covered in angry red lines. None of it seems to help, though. It is not the same to do things to myself, and the need to be hurt by her grows stronger with every passing hour.
This all begs the question, if I’m feeling like a junkie just waiting for his next fix, am I thinking clearly? Am I making the best decisions right now? The general consensus seems to be that sub-frenzy has a detrimental effect on judgement, and that may very well be true. I’m trying to be smart and rational about something that isn’t terribly rational.
It’s weird.
I’m happy though, buzzing with excitement, seriously crushing, counting down the days, and occasionally fretting over the meaning of it all.
*laugh* Sooooo awesome!!! *big hugs*
Write down the serious shit clearly *for the benefit of both of you* (including what you are scared of with your decision making and judgement), have the talk/s with her (probably more than one and put it in your calendar to keep revisiting), then hopefully with that solid grounding, you will be in a better position to just *enjoy* this for every excruciating, crazy-making second of its wonderful giddiness.
It’s lovely to see it, Peroxide.
Ferns
Yay, Hugs!
Ferns you are ever full of excellent advice. I will be sure to do exactly that, because it makes perfect sense that communicating and recording these decisions should alleviate the possibility of a misunderstanding.
Thanks,
– Peroxide
Thank you for writing this. I have no problem admitting that I’m a pain junkie, but the emotions behind it are something I didn’t anticipate and am hesitant to share with anyone.
You’re welcome. I figure someone has got to write about this. I sure as hell wasn’t told to expect to be craving pain so much, or to feel so elated at the prospect.
Point of interest: Gas tossed on a lit match can actually douse the flame if thrown fast enough.
We now continue with out regularly scheduled program.
Gasoline will, and I knew that, which is why I was less specific. I could mean propane or something similar. Of course, I did say on, which evokes an image of gasoline, but let’s pretend we all know just how clever I am.
When I was at my first play party last month, I was sitting and watching a scene when a woman who I felt some chemistry with (and who I had established OK starting points with) walked up beside me and started running her fingers through my hair without so much as a “hello,” let alone asking (this was one of the OKed starting points). It just felt so right. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like I’m floating. I’m worried and almost afraid about how I will respond if things advance to the level of play I desire. (And I don’t dare get my hopes up about possibilities for a F/m relationship.)
On a related note, FYI, an attractive woman playing with my hair has the simultaneous effects of soothing me and turning my submissiveness up to 11.
OhMyFuckingGodIKnowRight!?!
I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment, the unexpected touching, fingers in the hair, it is like instantly pressing a button that puts her in control, let’s you know that you’re wanted, and gives you that nice “She can do whatever she wants to you” feeling.
I totally also know what you mean. There is this point you’re balancing on, where everything is very nice, and maybe it’s going to get even better, but you don’t want to be too excited because the chances of everything working out into perpetual bliss are slim to nil.
Yeah, playing with my hair really does hit several very good things for me. First of all, it just feels good. It also carries a message of “She’s in charge here,” but it is a very affectionate gesture. And really, I’m looking for equal parts dominance and affection from a partner.
I’m definitely prepared for this to not work out as anything more than occasional play partners. There are just too many reasons that a relationship shouldn’t work out: distance, jobs, and other responsibilities. I’m trying not to be closed off to the option of a relationship, if that’s the direction it goes, though.
I couldn’t enjoy dominance without affection, and the popularity of its portrayal is perplexing to me.
I’m also familiar with how you’re feeling, you have my sympathies, and best wishes.
It can be disconcertingly intense. The most shocking thing, for me anyway, is that although it certainly waxes and wanes, the frenzy can be just as intense eight years into a relationship as it was the first few weeks. It’s like having favorite music playing on your headphones in a library: even when doing something else, one can have to bite back on the reactions to the secondary track that’s just spooling out all the ways I want to hurt or be hurt by someone. I used to be afraid this was aberrant. Now I just see it as a pleasant backdrop to the rest of my life. Even when the wanting is scary (and holy Moses,sometimes it is terrifying), I think it says something better about the relationship than indifference would.
I can see the possibility for this level of intensity to stick around. Although if, eight years on, I’m still feeling like this I better be in a committed D/s relationship or I think I’ll literally go mad.
But having the constant comforting undercurrent of BDSM as part of a long term relationship sounds absolutely magical. The idea of having someone to embrace even my more terrifying desires is transcendentally beautiful and makes me sigh with pleasure.
I don’t like the comparison to additions, but that is mostly my own baggage asserting itself.
I understand the feelings you are describing, as I have them myself. I think it’s just natural. You have very real needs. They are finally getting met – a little at a time – in a healthy way. Be honest with yourself, and with your partner, and discuss it. If she’s worth your time; then she will understand that you need to walk slowly here, if not why.
I’m happy for you.
You get what I’m saying about addictive feeling of it. It’s a chemical thing init? And like addiction, it feels beyond my control, and a little dangerous.
I’m going to have a talk with her next time I see her, I really hope it goes well. Because I don’t want to have to stop if it doesn’t.
Stupid typos. Yes, “addictions” instead of “additions.” I understand what you mean. I just have a bug in my butt about calling things “addictions” because I see them as inherently destructive. I’m hoping that you aren’t on that path.
I suppose I use addiction rather casually, as in “I’m addicted to caffeine” and I haven’t really got another word for the feeling that something is a need, even though it isn’t really a need.
Regardless, I think this arrangement is a good one, different than I was expecting but very good.
Yay! Having a new crush is the best kind of torture, isn’t it?
It is rather exquisite.
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This was a really insightful post, I’m kind of at a loss for words. You are emotionally literate; I empathize with almost every sensation and experience you describe. Shit, I need to go sit and think for a bit.
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