I’m been rather busy as of late, but I think I need to get at least a quick post up to fill you all in. Sunday night was date night for Tavi and I. She asked me to write up a revised list of hard limits for our transition in to more a D/s based relationship. You’d think putting together your hard limits would be the easiest, most basic thing ever, but it was surprisingly challenging. I think I came up with something workable, it may need a little tweaking, I’m not sure if she wants to write a formal training contract or whatnot.
We discussed them and talked about what it is that we’re doing. I’ll be honest, that I’m not exactly sure how much different things will look from here on out. I’ll probably be doing some chores when I’m with her, be expected to learn where she likes things put away, that sort of thing. She also sat down and made me a budget. Which is the sort of thing a grown man should probably already have. I didn’t.
We watched a movie, ate dinner, and then retired to the bedroom where she beat me till I cried. You know, date night stuff.
Just typical romantic things
I got, what probably classifies as a “light” caning, though it stung like a motherfucker. I’m still having a hell of time with my flight response. After a couple of hits, I just want to get away from the pain. It feels impossible to sit still, sometimes I manage to control it, but often I flinch away and curl up in a ball.
After she had beat the snot out of me, literally; also we decided that “thank-you for the tissue mistress” sounds ridiculous, and Ma’am is the honorific I should use, we tried a couple of new things. First, Tavi poured hot wax over most of my chest, and also my manly bits. Which isn’t the worst pain, but hardly feel like kisses and rainbows. Then, she had me fuck myself with a toy, while she got herself off. (I did call this post TMI Tuesday, you were warned.)
We’re gonna need a bigger buttplug
If you want a logical explanation as to why I find this to be a morally acceptable activity, and yet I won’t have sex before marriage, I haven’t got one for you. Maybe it is just far enough outside the “sex” box that I don’t feel guilty about it. There were things that I did with my ex that pinged that guilty feeling during them, made it impossible to be comfortable and enjoy myself and left me feeling guilty after the fact. Whatever you’d call what we’re doing, doesn’t feel any worse than masturbation. Which is to say, I’m sure it’s not totally kosher, but I don’t feel guilty enough to stop.
I showered, and pulled the congealed wax off of my chest, which reminded me that it’s probably time to get some of that hair removed again. We snuggled after for quite a while, never long enough, but while it lasted it was lovely.
Good luck striking the right balance in your relationship. And I can understand your differentiation between what happened on Sunday and sex. Remember, there are “abstinent” teens who are OK with oral or anal because it isn’t “real sex,” and I would say putting on a show for her while she masturbates is even further from “real sex.”
That adolescent “not really sex” logic doesn’t work for me, hence not doing those things. I wouldn’t even attempt to make an argument for a moral difference between what I’m doing and pre-marital sex. It just boils down to this doesn’t make me uncomfortable about what I’m doing, other things would.
So I’m teetering, which is still balance, but just barely.
So, relationships change. Obviously your relationship with Tavi is changing and growing in ways that are exciting and lovely and all of your readers are quite happy for you. On the other hand, you have a relationship to God that seems to come up on this blog a lot in the context of its potential for conflict with your romantic relationship. And this is hard to phrase without sounding like I’m trying to pass on advice or warning or any other such nonsense, but I’d like to ask: do you see these two relationships as essentially in conflict, such that you can’t have a deepening or growth in one without diminishing the other? When you try for balance, are you compromising both sides a little bit, or do you think it’s possible to have both flourish?
I think they conflict. At least a bit, while I can manage to balance them a bit. I do think that in the long run only one can really flourish at a time.
The big ugly uncomfortably honest truth here, is that I have been and am letting my relationship with God take a back seat, but I expect that eventually I’m going to put that relationship first, probably once Tavi and I’s relationship comes to a close. (But that’s the future and it’s not fun to think about, let’s talk about something else.)