If you are at all familiar with my blog you should be able to tell that I over think almost everything, especially in regards to inter-personal relationships. Except sometimes I don’t. You may recall that I totally jumped the gun on signing up for OKCupid.
I sometimes think about finding a play partner, someone who gets my physical and emotional limits, is cool to hang out with and interested in hurting me a bit. I have reservations about the idea, but maybe I could do a “friends with benefits” situation where the benefits weren’t sex but rather beating the snot out of me. A fun, friendly, pain-buddy.
You know, like this.
Anyway… I sort of answered a personal ad the other day.
Without really thinking it through I stumbled upon an interesting ad and just replied. Though, I noticed latter that it was fairly old (at least in internet time.) So I’m not expecting a response on this one, but rather considering whether or not this idea is something I want to pursue, and how best to go about it.
Here’s the original ad:
27 Domme looking for casual play partners and potential subs. You: hwp, local, male or female, 21-35 years old, sane, together, confident and awesome.
No I’m not a pro, so don’t ask.
Be prepared to get to know me first; if I don’t like you as a person, I’m not interested in playing with you.
REAL LIFE ONLY. You can’t rub my feet over skype, and I don’t feel like spending hours to write you email wank porn.
No cock pics.
And my response:
I don’t normally trawl though classifieds, and I have mixed feelings about casual play, but I’d be interested in talking to you at the very least.
Like the headline says I’m a 23 year old submissive guy living in Seattle, I’m fairly new to this, somewhat inexperienced, definitely awesome, and probably sane.
I keep a kink blog, so if you’d like you can get way more information about me than you could possibly care to know before contacting me. You can also scope me out on fetlife and okcupid and email me @ Captnperoxide@gmail.com
Interested in hearing from you,
— Peroxide
If I don’t hear back from the poster it’s no huge loss, except that I won’t get any feedback from her on my approach. So I’m interested in hearing from you my dear readers think.
- Did I do OK?
- What could be better?
- What do you want to see in an opening message?
- Do you think this is a good idea for me at all?
I liked your response, so I think you did just fine, and I liked that your style reflected hers (to the point, simple, clear). It had a hint of the funny, and included links to other stuff of yours so she can check you out if she wants. So yes, I’d have responded to an email like that.
I think it’s a fine idea for you – not necessarily the casual play part (though you never know), but she is possibly looking for more, so yes. I imagine that you *could* do casual non-sexual BDSM play with someone who was truly a friend, where neither of you have (or could develop) secret crushes or wish for more. I think it could be great for you to try it at least, to see how it went.
Good luck with this one.
Ferns
I’d have responded to an email like that.
That’s what I like to hear. If I can woo Ferns, then I can woo anyone.
I imagine that you *could* do casual non-sexual BDSM play with someone who was truly a friend, where neither of you have (or could develop) secret crushes or wish for more.
Right now I’m basically thinking that I could use some casual non-sexual Bondage and S&M play, D/s I think is too intimate for me to get into without secretly developing a crush. But I’d like to be hit some, and if I can pair up with a cool gal that wants to do some hitting that sounds ok to me.
Peroxide,
I applaud you for putting yourself out there without over thinking (although, you’ve put the thoughtful, insightful, sincere fruits of your over thinking out there in linking to your blog). I wonder if it was easier for you to put yourself out there kinda quickly (writing a quick, short response) because there’s little investment. I find that’s the case with me–if I’m not invested in something, I can respond quickly and without much effort and without much over thinking or kicking myself later.
Kinda unrelated… in your comment, you said “D/s I think is too intimate for me to get into without secretly developing a crush.”
Can you divide developing a crush from developing feelings (in the most basic, over-simplified understandings of those terms)? I find that the older I get, the easier it is for me to separate having a crush (a little obsession, interest, all in good fun, with absolutely no thought that it might move anywhere beyond a crush) from developing feelings (could lead to something more, often comes with a range of emotions, etc).
It’s not important… just curious.
In response to your questions at the end of your post, I think your message is great. I’d certainly respond to your message. It’s of appropriate length, detail, and gives her the opportunity to find out more if she wants.
As for whether it’s a good idea for you, I’d offer you a qualified “yes.” Qualified because we can’t know where you head is at, and for the same reasons you suggested about your attitude towards casual play and crushes and whatnot. If nothing else, I can’t see how it would be a bad idea for you to find out more about casual play. Best case scenario is that you learn you enjoy it. Worst case is that you find it’s too intimate and don’t do it again. At least you’ll have more experience to draw from so you’ll know for the future.
“Can you divide developing a crush from developing feelings (in the most basic, over-simplified understandings of those terms)?”
Sometimes. At least a little, I’m in my head enough to know the difference, but face-time and touch with someone I’ve got a crush on rather compounds the difficulty of thinking clearly. I’m inclined to be cautious in this matter, lest I get swept away by the way aftercare for example might make me feel.
“I can’t see how it would be a bad idea for you to find out more about casual play. Best case scenario is that you learn you enjoy it. Worst case is that you find it’s too intimate and don’t do it again.”
Yeah I think this could be a good thing for me to try, but I disagree with your worst case scenario.
Worst case scenario is more like: I enjoy the arrangement so much that I keep going back for more, and start doing things that I’ll eventually come to regret, and end up outing my self to my parents when their insurance gets the bill for an emergency room visit precipitated by a clamp tearing off my nipple, and I end up friendless and alone becoming a rent boy before succumbing to an early death when stumble into the path of an oncoming steamroller.
That’s a worst case scenario!
I thought my worst case scenarios were bad! This is definitely worse. 🙂 To you, sir, I give the “worst case scenario” crown… although I can’t imagine it’s something anyone wants…
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