I’m a bit of an odd duck I’m sure you’ve realized by now. Being both an abstinent, virginal, Christian boy and a submissive, masochist, kink blogger is hardly a common pairing.
While I’ve thought long and hard about how I might go about making kink and submission sound appealing to a nice Christian gal (not that I’ve gotten anywhere on that front, but I’ve thought about it.) Explaining my religion and my particular limits to kinksters as well doesn’t look to be a walk in the park either.
An article was just published on Salon.com detailing the tendency for (bay area) kinksters to use vanilla as sort of a dirty word. To look down upon people whose limits are more constraining than their own. Which probably is going to affect me because I’m not open to having sex with anyone I haven’t first married.
This isn’t exactly new for me, I’ve found often that I receive a bit of judgement and scorn from sexually active persons for not having had sex yet. It isn’t terribly bothersome, but it has caused me a bit of embarrassment, a bit of color might rise in my cheeks if I am called upon to admit that I am a virgin.
Who me? a Virgin? No, no, I’ve had lots of the sex, with my thingie and some lady bits, oh yeah I do it all the time, some times twice.
Now, this isn’t something of which I am ashamed. In fact I have some small amount of pride in having shown restraint and stuck to my values even when sorely tempted.
Nor am I one to judge others for their choices. I’m beginning to think of myself as being sex-positive, (since about the time Kink in Exile wrote this post describing my practicing of abstinence as part of my sexuality) though I don’t know that I’m comfortable labeling myself as such if I’m going to have to defend the label.
While I may note that promiscuous persons would not make good matches for me, I do not think less of them or their choices, unless they are being truly foolish and unsafe. Yet I feel that often that some of these same people who are such strong advocates of sexual freedom, and freedom of choice, belittle the choice of people such as myself to reserve sex for a single lifelong relationship. While being a judgmental and abrasive ass, this Fox contributor, managed to say something that stuck out as familiar.
….my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple. We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said. Turns out that people couldn’t have been more wrong.
It is an often ignored fact (by people who aren’t butthurt fundies) that there is a great deal of dogma amongst the secular/atheist/anti-theist crowd, that tends to treat anything said by their opponents as complete trash, rather than rationally examining ideas for value as you’d think they would.
What I mean to say is, most people will agree that sex tends to be better when the participants share an emotional connection, but when someone such as myself wants this connection to be firmly establish and committed to before we will consent to sex, there is a fair amount of eye-rolling and condescension.
I’ve neatly side stepped the issue in a couple of personal ads I’ve posted, saying that I simply don’t do sex outside of an LTR, but in discussion it will probably come up that I really mean no sex at all, not until I’m married. Then I feel people will either be uncomfortable, thinking that perhaps I’m some judgey-judger, or decide that I’m laughably naive and not worth associating with.
How people imagine the abstinent.
The people I surrounded myself in high school and the years immediately after, for the most part viewed maintaining ones virginity till marriage to be a good thing, I never noticed a lot of judgement either way when people failed in this undertaking, (for the most part I avoid “church people” who are as gossipy and judgmental as the ones you imagine.) I’ve had friends and acquaintances who view abstinence as a foolishly ascetic lifestyle, but for the most part no one has ever given me too much shit.
Except the media, maybe it’s just an extension of the rule that smart, interesting characters aren’t religious (in the sense of actively practicing their faith) but there there is very little positive representation of male virginity anywhere. In the realm of fiction no man is a virgin by choice,
I’m not sure if it is going to be a problem for potential play partners yet, but I suppose we’ll see.
I read that piece and I wonder if that nice virgin boy got flack because he thinks the women who have sex outside of marriage are “floozies” and the men are “pathetic” and that his attitude made everyone think he was a jerk, hence they were probably horrible to him about his haircut and shoes as much as his virginity (digression, you know what I mean there, it rubbed me up the wrong way too).
I think anyone worth your time would respect your choice and your strength in sticking to your beliefs. That takes a level of commitment and strength that most people aren’t capable of. It’s something to be admired.
Having said that I have no doubt that some people will be judgemental about it because people are like that, and of course it is going to make you incompatible with a lot of people.
For casual play partners, I really don’t see how it would make any difference since a ‘no sex’ rule is what it is and the reasons are completely irrelevant.
Ferns
I wonder if that nice virgin boy got flack because he thinks the women who have sex outside of marriage are “floozies” and the men are “pathetic” and that his attitude made everyone think he was a jerk.
Of course that is quite possible, the author could be quite deserving of poor treatment because of his attitude, or maybe he gives off a judgmental vibe regardless of his actions.
Or maybe he is a lot nicer in person and only was treated poorly because other people who hold his set of beliefs had previously failed to treat others as they want to be treated and the author was just unlucky enough to reap the fruits of that failure.
Having said that I have no doubt that some people will be judgemental about it because people are like that, and of course it is going to make you incompatible with a lot of people.
I’m used to that. I know that I have to be selective in my romantic pursuits because I need someone who is not only accepting of my decision but also following through on it themselves. I can’t say no to someone I care about all the time ( it’d be even harder in a relationship where we’d cultivated a power exchange and I wasn’t “supposed” to say no at all.)
a ‘no sex’ rule is what it is and the reasons are completely irrelevant.
I agree, and hope others will see it that way as well.
First of all, I have to commend you on maintaining your values in an unfriendly world. I was once in a similar position (without the kink part – I wasn’t aware of it at the time), and, ultimately, I caved (more to the point – I decided my values were not working for me). I wish you lots of strength and luck.
Despite the shaming that goes on pretty much everywhere, I think it is better to be up front with your intentions. It may hurt to go without a date for an extended time because no one else seems to want to wait – but it is easier than springing that on someone once a relationship begins to develop.
I agree with Ferns – and with you. It’s YOUR sexuality, and anyone who can’t handle it doesn’t deserve to be with you. However, if you just want someone to paddle your ass (or some other non-sexual activity); then it shouldn’t matter when you’ve last had sex – or that you never have.
I think part of the difficulty is that, I’m holding to a rule that was made for people who got married much earlier. The pool of people who are waiting with me keeps shrinking as time goes on because it is so very difficult to deny a biological urge. So thank you for your wish of strength, I’m sure I’m going to need it.
I’m pretty up front about it, at least when it comes up. I also avoid getting into relationships or going on dates with people who are clearly uninterested in waiting. The best way to handle temptation for me is to avoid it whenever possible.
But hopefully, you and Ferns are correct, and I can find some folks who don’t care when or whether I’ve had sex, in order to play.
I think, as has been mentioned already, if you’re looking strictly for a play partner, it really shouldn’t matter. But if you’re looking for a play partner you can have a friendship with as well, then it might matter, as then I imagine topics other than BDSM will be discussed, and then you might find yourself not liking that person and you’re obviously not going to play with someone you don’t like.
Your post brings up certain questions on what exactly you are looking for in regards to play partners – do you intend to keep play partners at arm’s length? Will it be strictly S&M, or S&M after you’ve went to dinner?
if you’re looking for a play partner you can have a friendship with as well, then it might matter, as then I imagine topics other than BDSM will be discussed, and then you might find yourself not liking that person and you’re obviously not going to play with someone you don’t like.
Eh, this might be an issue. I mean I don’t need to be besties with someone just to let them hit me. but you’re right I’m obviously not going to play with someone whom I can’t stand. Having differing beliefs and opinions however does not negate the possibility of friendly discourse and as long as people are respectful of me, then I don’t really worry about what they believe.
do you intend to keep play partners at arm’s length? Will it be strictly S&M, or S&M after you’ve went to dinner?
I don’t know. It’s certainly going to be something I play by ear. I think, hanging out a bit before and after some play would be ideal, but I really don’t know for sure.
This, this, this, this, this.
I’m a virgin. It’s not a secret, it’s not a judgment issue, it’s just my personal choice: I do want to save myself for marriage. That’s what I’m comfortable with, end of story. In the scheme of things, that’s such a little thing to ask of a life partner, that if they weren’t willing to understand my perspective and work with me, I’d seriously question their suitability as a life partner to begin with.
There’s this ridiculous stigma attached to not necessarily being a virgin, but wanting to maintain virginity. Although I’ll be the first to admit my ‘introduction’ to the kink community was fleeting and only through a friend, my experiences suggest that the concept of being interested in the kink subculture without wanting to actually (participate, is that a good word?) before marriage, and my goal of finding a life partner, and THEN incorporating some kink into the bedroom, was so incredibly foreign. Many people seems to suppose it was a judgment issue and I was judging them for their choices. That’s the furthest from the truth.
There’s judgment in the ‘vanilla’ world, too, mostly in the medical profession. I’ve had doctors perform (and try to charge me for!) pregnancy tests without my consent and after I told them I didn’t want the test performed because it was ‘impossible that I’m pregnant,’ for what stomach pain that turned out to be ulcers. I’ve had a doctor roll her eyes and say, “Come on, your mom’s not here,” when I told her I’m a virgin, and another who berated me for not going on birth control at my age. It would seem that claiming to be a virgin/wanting to maintain virginity means you’re either lying or making irresponsible choices.
There’s this ridiculous stigma attached to not necessarily being a virgin, but wanting to maintain virginity.
I know, right? Perhaps it makes me a little prudish by today’s standards, but it’s not like I’m puritanical.
I think beyond the fact that self restraint is difficult, (even if you *do* have a reason to restrain yourself) many people are afraid that if you don’t have sex before you build a relationship with someone, then you might be completely sexually incompatible. Which to me, is a legitimate worry, if you both speak different languages.
I get the doctor thing, I’ve heard that people lie to them constantly, and if they can’t trust their patients to be honest it’s not like they can tell just by looking at someone whether they’ve had sex or not. But after some gentle investigation if you stick to your story they ought to treat you like they believe you whether they do or not.