I don’t want to write a post every single time I go on a date, even though, ostensibly the blog is about my search for a partner, I just don’t want to be overly repetitive. So I was going to wait until my second date to write about this woman I’ve been talking to for the past few weeks. I posted, that I had a date set for I think the Tuesday before last, well I was sick, so it got pushed to last Thursday.
It went really, well, I had a lot of fun, and was excited to see her again. Unfortunately, she feels differently, or, well one of the things I liked about her initially, is that she isn’t interested in casual dating, so I am glad to find out sooner rather than later that I’m not what she is looking for.
She had sort of a sexy librarian thing going on too...Damn
It is disappointing, I felt like there was some good chemistry, and she was fun, and easy to talk too, but she wrote to me:
“…I’ve recently discovered that I need to date a guy who’s serious, steady, organized (someone who’s even more Type A than I am haha.) In fact, we both probably need someone who’s a little more detail oriented than we are… we’ll bring the fun, they’ll bring the ability to pay the taxes on time hahaha”
Which is remarkably astute, and totally correct, also the fact that she read me well, that she “got me” is very attractive, I really appreciate feeling understood. But, if she needs Type A, I really can’t deliver, so it is better to find out now.
The thing is I tend to get a little (a lot) ahead of myself. I’m so ready to be in a relationship, and my brain is always going a million miles an hour, so I was already thinking about what I wanted to write about our second date, because if it went well and there was going to be a third, I think of the third date as being the time to have a DTR that is a “Define/determine the relationship” talk.
This woman, was from a similar religious background, (at first I thought she might be too conservative for me.) but she had the same sort of religiously conservative/ politically liberal out look that I do. So, I was already pondering how to bring up my submissiveness to her, and thinking about how ask, here, whether that is a third date conversation?
If she, or if any prospective match is going to be firmly attached to the idea of the man being “the spiritual leader” of a relationship, I want to know sooner rather than later. I am very attracted to the idea of having a D/s dynamic that is always on, I find the idea of having my significant other in charge of as much as possible very comforting, and the sooner I can find out if an otherwise vanilla woman is alright with that the better.
But how in the hell does one bring that up without freaking a vanilla woman out? So now, I’m bummed, and rather tired from my first non-training day at the new job. I just want to be with someone already. Fuck.
hmmph, hopefully there is someone out there looking for me as we speak.
“But how in the hell does one bring that up without freaking a vanilla woman out?”
J brought it up to me and I was vanilla. I wouldn’t say I handled it well (considering I had very little idea what he really meant by “submissive”), but I certainly didn’t freak out. If I hadn’t already known I was into him, I might have freaked a little and ended it. But I was into him, and into whatever he was, so I figured it was worth learning about.
My sneaking suspicion is that it can be the same for you… find a girl whose into you and she may be willing to figure out if she has a dominant side.
Of course, if two people do find that they’re into each other, the D/s is introduced, and it doesn’t work out, I imagine there’s that much more room for heartbreak, but if it does work out, it could be the beginning of something great.
I’m rooting for you, Peroxide. 🙂
Just how vanilla were you? I know I’ve read it as some point, but for a vanilla gal, it seems like you’ve really taken the ball and run with it.
So do you think I should wait to drop the sub-bomb on a woman until I’m sure she’s really interested in going for the long term, or early and if she’s into me, she may be into my submission?
I was fairly vanilla. I experimented with a little light bondage here and there, but I didn’t really know what BDSM or D/s was until J.
While you could say I took the ball and ran with it, I realize looking back that I always had D/s leaning tendencies, just never knew I could go further, never thought to explore my preferences.
“So do you think I should wait to drop the sub-bomb on a woman until I’m sure she’s really interested in going for the long term, or early and if she’s into me, she may be into my submission?”
I think my response to this is related to some of your thoughts in your “realism” post. It’s difficult to suggest which way is “best”–whether to divulge your submissive tendencies early or whether to wait until you know a woman is into to. After all, submissiveness is part of who you are, so waiting might feel like “hiding” it. But, there are lots of aspects to who you are that I imagine you don’t share right away–it’s not like you can show all of yourself in the first couple of dates (or even first couple of years) with someone.
I would want to make sure that someone was into me and cared about me before I brought up D/s (assuming the other person didn’t already know I was into that).
That’s kinda what happened with J. I fell for him first, and only explored D/s because I was into him. If being submissive was part of who he was, and I already knew I was into whatever that was, I figured exploring dominance might work for me. I didn’t realize I’d embrace it as much as I have, but I was more than willing to check it out because I wanted him.
Looking back, I guess I was interested in his submissiveness before I even knew what it was, before I knew that sort of trait had a name. If he had mentioned it earlier, before I was really interested in him, I might have run screaming for the hills.
My submissiveness, is only part of who I am, but since I blog about it, and think about it often waiting to divulge does feel like I’m hiding something. And it would be heartbreaking I think to really get into someone, know that they’re into me, divulge, and find that they aren’t capable of filling that role.
Still, like you said, it isn’t something I can plan out now. I guess I’ll have to be patient (not one of my better qualities) and figure out what works best for whomever I’m with down the road.
But how in the hell does one bring that up without freaking a vanilla woman out?
I would feel very proud of yourself. I basically avoid vanilla guys because I’m far too afraid of rejection. The second they’re asking for a phone number, I pass it over, and never call, because I think, “Well, they’ll just think I’m odd anyway.” What you’re doing right now is pretty damn gutsy and pretty damn brave. You’re actually putting yourself out there.
You just keep at it. I’m rooting for you too!
My comments are being funny! So everything I wrote got deleted…
Well..here’s the gist of it: I’m rooting for you, you’re trying, which is more than most people, and good luck!
I swear the original comment was better than that. xD
Sorry my dear, WordPress and it’s comment system can be a tad finicky. Thank you for the encouragement. It’s good to hear from you!
Oh…now it appears, even though it said error before. And what is with the numbers?
I won’t ponder it. LOL.
And you are welcome!
Successfully introducing kink into a relationship with a vanilla girl CAN be done. I should know, I’m 4 for 4. the single most important factor is: the girl must be very “into you”. I don’t mean, that date went well sorta thing….I mean you know balls to bones that that girl really really wants you. You have to be honest with yourself, if her interest is lukewarm…it won’t work. If her interest is high, I stands a very good chance of working.
With a vanilla girl, shes been taught over and over to please you, not torture and tease you. So, if here interest is so-so. She will be like, “he wierd” when you introduce it. If she wants you badly, she will think “wow he’s even more interesting that I thought”. Let’s see where this goes. Still, even if she bites. Start light. Or else she will think you wierd. Slowly progress, and she slowly love the power dyanamic that It gives her. This works. Good luck.
I don’t doubt that you’ve had success, or that it’s possible.
However I’ve read often tales of woe, people to married partners who aren’t the least bit interested in pursuing their kinks. How much more into someone can you get than marriage I ask? I think the caveat must be, that one’s partner even if initially vanilla must be adventurous or latently dominant which I would bet selection bias has found you partnered with four out of four times.
I don’t worry too much that whomever I settle down with will be utterly disinterested in a bit of slap and tickle, but I fervently hope to get more, I want it all, someone who takes the lead and runs with it, who revels in her ownership of me rather than merely deigns to indulge my kinks on special occasions.