My personal favorite author and definite candidate for a later as close as it gets post Neal Stephenson included the following exchange in his genre-bending epic Cryptonomicon
“I don’t like the word ‘addict’ because it has terrible connotations,” Root says one day, as they are sunning themselves on the afterdeck. “Instead of slapping a label on you, the Germans would describe you as Morphiumsuchtig. The verb suchen means to seek. So that might be translated, loosely, as ‘morphine seeky’ or even more loosely as ‘morphine-seeking’. I prefer ‘seeky’ because it means you have an inclination to seek morphine.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Shaftoe says.
“Well, suppose you have a roof with a hole in it. That means it is a leaky roof. It’s leaky all the time – even if it’s not raining at the moment. But it’s only leaking when it happens to be raining. In the same way, morphine-seeky means that you always have this tendency to look for morphine, even if you are not looking for it at the moment. But I prefer both of them to ‘addict’, because they are adjectives modifying Bobby Shaftoe instead of a noun that obliterates Bobby Shaftoe.”
Now, I’m OK describing myself as a “submissive” you might have noticed it’s even in the title of this here blog, but I have some experience sharing labels with people whom I have nothing in common with. But, to label myself as a submissive, obliterates the rest of Peroxide the man. (the myth, the legend.)
Not exactly what I mean when I say I'm a Christian
Being submissive turns me on, but it isn’t the entirety of who I am. hell it’s barely part of who I am, because it’s something I’ve yet to do. I’m not meek, shy, or easy to push around in my day to day life. I’ve been in leadership positions, I’ve even trained others for leadership positions, and I’m good at leading when I have to.
I just don’t care for it very much, and it doesn’t turn me on.
Recently, a couple of commentors mentioned that they “can switch” or “are switchable” to which my knee jerk reaction was “well, so could I!” of course I know they aren’t implying that I couldn’t switch if I wanted to I just started thinking about how locked to labels everyone seems to be.
While the idea of a tightly bound slave girl doesn’t do as much for me as being a tightly bound slave boy, if I fell in love with a submissive or switch or…
BDSM Problem #128
…you know that happened, I could dominate the hell out of them. I really want to make my future partner happy, doing so would make me happy, so I could totally come up with some intolerable pleasures and delightful torments. I could enjoy their enjoyment. I’m already getting my submissive fix vicariously, I could handle, even enjoy doing so in person.
Of course, I’m trying to avoid having that happen because I think long term I’ll be happier if I can find someone who fits with me better than that. But, there are some activities that I have, shall we say some interest in, that could be more easily arranged from a dominant position. I really don’t think that any activity is inherently dominant/submissive but… there are things I can’t imagine ever being ordered to do.
Tom Allen, always chimes in about needing to subvert the paradigm and come up with new labels and understanding of roles, (and generally sounds like one of my high school teachers who always seemed to regret missing out on the electric kool aid acid test.) I don’t think it’s possible to create new labels, in fact that reminds me of Christians implementing the label “Christ Follower” only to have it similarly misused. It’s annoying to have to explain your sexuality from scratch because you have nothing to point to in popular culture and your label has being appropriated by shitty porn.
Damn right.
So, When I say submissive remember that I mean, I can be submissive, I’d like to be submissive to someone special, but I’m more than the sum of my kinks.
yup, I get it.
Most people are, in fact, more than the sum of their sexual power exchange preference.
Very early on, while we were still sorting things out, I switched a bit but while I CAN submit, it is not a thing of unbearable hotness for me. In fact, unless I am in a very specific and highly unusual mood, I pretty much just grit my teeth and bear it (which was the anti-hotness for him).
However, when the power dynamic goes the other way? Now THAT is unbearably hot— for both of us, so life is good.
It is hard for me to imagine what would have happened if it has turned out differently than it did but I think I could probably live a fulfilling and happy life… maybe.
Pigeonholes always suck.
BTW,
how awesome was it that we got to see a Shaftoe and Waterhouse when the trilogy came out 😉
“not a thing of unbearable hotness” I like that, definitely nails what I’m going for here. It’s cool, maybe even enjoyable, but it isn’t the unbearably hot thing I’m looking for.
Holy shit! you’re the first person I’ve ever met who has read the Baroque Cycle. Your hubby is gonna have to watch out if I ever get my hands on a time traveling Delorean.
I super excited to know that someone will know what the hell I’m talking about when I write about Jack and Elisa’s femdom undertones.
I’m so glad you posted this. I’m working on a blog post about labels, why we need them, but also why they suck. XD (Heck, I’m working on a blog post about everything…I do too much at once really).
I also find it amusing that you used the picture I was planning to use on my blog (The left one! Not the right!).
My understanding of submissive has always been the left picture. I think I was just lucky enough to be exposed to crap Femdom porn after I had been exposed to reality.
But what I don’t understand is why some people can’t get the right image out of their head after they’ve been bombarded with the left?
I’ve seen it in the forums. Plenty of Femdoms chime in about the reality of D/s and they still want to argue about the fantasy.
Lady D
The label discussion is one we can have over and over again, because it’s isn’t a problem that is being fixed.
I’ve heard a lot more noise revolving around the “crap Femdom” but I try and filter it out, I noticed quickly that people who communicated clearly and politely online (which I tend to view as a gauge of sanity) expressed a preference for the type of femdom embodied by the image on the left.
Why people who know that the image on the right is not reflective of a sustainable reality, choose to belabor the point is beyond me. Some folks it seems, would rather beat a dead horse, than their partner.