Language is important, and people will make judgements about you for the words you choose.
Since I am trying to make my self as attractive as possible to women with dominant leanings, I have changed my language somewhat to cut out words that I have reason to believe might be found objectionable.
The first, and hardest word for me to eliminate is “girl.” specifically “girl” when referring to a female around my age. This is difficult for a few reasons. Mainly, I have a difficult time thinking of my peers as “men and women. ” We’re not boys and girls anymore, but I’d naturally think of and or refer to my peers as “guys and girls.”
I gather that calling a grown woman a girl is considered demeaning, but there are fewer words for female person that spring to mind than there are for male person.
So I see a man my age, and I think of him as a guy, or a dude, or perhaps a bro. If I want to refer to a woman the same way, my first thought is girl. My next is to say “young woman” or “young lady” though both of those to my ear sound more diminutive.
All I want to do is indicate that whichever female person I’m talking about is around my age, and therefore not really a grown-up like those men and women over there with their careers and mortgages.
And besides I’m looking for a girlfriend. Not a womanfriend or a ladyfriend. But anyway, I’ve seen people get all bent out of shape about it so I work around the issue.
Tits.
Not that it would come up in daily usage, but Tits is my favorite word for breasts. It’s fun to say, just try. Tits tits tits Titties TITS!
Unlike so many other terms for breasts, which tend to refer to a specific breast size, (melons, jugs, sweater puppies) tits is equal opportunity. just like yours truly.
There are tiny tits, and Big ole Titties, and both are just terrific as far as I am concerned. But, I’ve heard that it’s offensive, so when it comes up in conversation, I say breasts. because that’s polite. (I guess.)
Finally, I want so badly to be British.
Alas, I was born in the land of freedom and opportunity, which is why I couldn’t use this last word even if wasn’t worried about offending women. If I were cool and British, I could throw it around with flippancy. I would use this most crass and vulgar term, with light hearted affection, because everything sounds classy as shit when you’re British.
It's less offensive to call someone a fusking pimhole than a...
That’s all I’ve got at the moment, I guess I’ll see you next Tuesday.
*laughs* My my. I just laughed so hard. But as someone who happens to have an affinity for the English…the accent only gets you out of trouble 70% of the time. It’s not infallible. 😉
I’m going to tell you that I will honestly never understand the “girls” debate.”Woman, ladies, females, girls”. Heck, I’m also fine with “honey” or “sweetpea” or “sweetheart” (and I say both to people, regardless of gender persuasion). Maybe that’s because I live in the South. It’s seriously just the way people talk down here. I’ve actually seen people on the internet start to get riled up over being called females because it apparently implies being “less than human”.
I really think this is a case where the intention of the word is more important. I doubt the waitress at the Waffle House calling people “honey” is trying to “demean them”.
Or maybe I should work on being more offended. That look seems to be popular this season (along with coral pink).
Kudos to you though for taking steps to try and not offend people. I partially wish I cared enough to try to step around the landmines. But since I honestly truly don’t get it, I just can’t be bothered to play verbal hopscotch.
Lady D
I know I certainly don’t mind being referred to by terms of endearment. I think Ideally neither would a good match for me, but I’m taking it into consideration that some things bother people because they are told it should bother them.
I wouldn’t want to turn off a freshly minted domme, just because she’s temporarily more concerned about “doing it right” than do it the way she wants.
Thinking about your last words of wisdom post, that is one place I notice a sort of imbalance, I feel like there is more reason for a submissive to tailor themselves to a dominant’s expectations. (Not that it doesn’t happen on both sides)
“Language is important, and people will make judgements about you for the words you choose.”
Absolutely. And it’s not easy.
Apart from personal preference, there is a social, geographical and a generational thing here. Words *mean* something, perhaps *especially* when people use them thoughtlessly (‘Oh, I didn’t *mean* anything by it…’ is one of the biggest invalidating statements someone can make along with ‘you are being oversensitive’).
When I was young (shut up, at least I didn’t say ‘back in my day…’), we *fought* for a gender neutral language because it *was* used pervasively to ‘put women in their place’. Being referred to as a ‘girl’ or being called ‘honey’ or any other diminutive or familiar term by random men was acceptable everywhere, including in the (male-dominated) corporate world.
I remember the first time I ever shouted at my male boss (I was maybe 22, he was in his 40s) in the middle of a heated work-related discussion because he called me ‘sweetheart’ in a totally patronising way (‘listen, sweetheart…’) to put me ‘back in my place’.
Being livid with rage and shouting “Don’t. You. EVER. Call. Me. ‘Sweetheart!!!’ in his face is still *very* clear in my mind.
Intent matters, as does context and preference, but casual *ignorance* also matters. I know an old guy who will call black people ‘darkies’ and insist that it doesn’t mean anything. So is that okay then?
You will no doubt be able to offend someone with pretty much anything, but being mindful about it is a great start.
Ferns
I’m so glad that I’ve always fought against my impulse to begin my correspondence with you “Fernsie Baby, Sweetheart…”
My sons get the biggest kick out of the fact that on Top Gear the British presenters call themselves, each other, and random other men— tits, as in,
“It is impossible for a middle-aged man to drive his children to school in a Lambo without looking a complete tit.”
I agree with Ferns, intent is everything. I’ve melted like butter upon being called honey, I’ve accepted it as a generalized form of address applied to everyone seated in a diner, and I’ve also bristled immediately and the reaction depends entirely on the delivery.
The internet is no friend to anyone on that sort of thing, as tone of voice is assumed.
It seems sometimes that people tends to assume the worst possible implications from any sentence on the internet.
Am I odd if I read that so optimistically? =P
Lady D
Really, for most words, I think it’s all in the way you say it.
I don’t have a categorical problem with “girl”; I use it all the time, and am generally not bothered when people use it for me… and yet, I never refer to myself that way. Ever. (Well, okay: I will if I’m being sarcastic.) I had to train myself to refer to myself as a “woman,” and it still feels weird sometimes. Personally, I’m a chick! But it’s worth noting that it can sometimes even “chick” can be a little weird coming from other people; I won’t get into it, but I’m black. And “black chick” is sort of a Thing. So that can sometimes be… uncomfortable.
Tits? I fuckin love that word! Also boobs. I almost never use “breasts” unless I have to. In my house, we eat “chicken boob,” not chicken breast. “Breasts” is just not pleasant to say, IMO— that s-t-s combo sucks. And there’s something too clinical about it (which normally wouldn’t bug me). Maybe “distant” is a better word. Hard to explain. It’s just, saying “breasts” feels like shying away from breasts-as-erogenous somehow. And since sexual pleasure is ALL I use my tits for thankyouverymuch, it just feels… off. “Oh no, they’re not my tits— which you might consider sucking or fondling— no, they’re breasts.”
Sidebar: your terminology on those links is wrong. The technical terms are “itty-bitty titties” and “tig ol’ bitties.” XD
Cunt is never okay, so just no.
Last thing, an unsolicited suggestion if you’re changing your words: if you’re one of those people who over/mis-uses the word “vagina,” please don’t. The word people almost always want is “vulva.” (If that’s too clinical: “pussy.”) Vagina=internal; where tampons go. Vulva=all the outer stuff; lips, clit, opening. You can’t look at her vagina (without a speculum!). She cannot shave her vagina (jesus!). Et cetera. Pet peeve of mine.
First off, I’ve got to say that I really like your Tumblr, and I’m excited to see you’re reading my blog.
Chick is another one I would use if I hadn’t heard so many women protest it’s use, to me it seems no more harmful than dude.
I kind of think as boobs and/or boobies as a childish way to refer to, a ladies chestal region. I hope I end up with someone that likes the word tits, because it is so much fun to say.
I shall of course endeavor to refer to Vulvas as correctly and frequently as possible. Some people like the c-word, I’ve heard women say it’s empowering, I’ve also heard that the word is offensive on a phonetic level, so I do my best to keep it out of my vocabulary.
Oh, thanks!! I saw your avatar on my Tumblr dashboard just today…
Heh. Hopefully this won’t freak you out, but I’ve actually been reading your blog (this one) for a looong time. And I’ve seen you in the comments of many others. It’s just, I lurk. Big time. 🙂 So, weirdly— this is the potentially freaky-outy bit— I kind of “know you” even though you don’t know me! I almost never comment under this name anywhere outside of TumblrKinkLand, but this post made me LOL inappropriately hard, so.
I felt a little silly when I saw you on my dash today— now I realize I’d been seeing you there, too, but somehow I hadn’t fully put it together that that guy there was you here. Duh. Peroxide!
Anyway. *shrug* Maybe you’ll be seeing more of me! Since I started that Tumblr, I seem to be “coming out” in online kink. Um, as it were. ;P
I’m not at all freaked, and totally excited that you’ve been reading. I’ve done more than my share of lurking online as well.
I wanted my Tumblr URL to just be “Peroxide” but it was already taken
I hope I get to see more of you, I love getting feedback on anything I do.