Bitter Tears

I do try and portray the reality of my experiences without cherry picking or sugar-coating too much. I think it’s important for there to be portrayals of BDSM (especially F/m) that highlights the fact that it is a relationship, in the real world, between two imperfect individuals. It can be seriously hot, it can be a lot of fun, but it is sometimes hard, and it can be a lot of work.

The thing is there are topics that I’ve avoided writing on here because Tavi and I hadn’t “finished” discussing. Things we have been ignoring, that I didn’t want to bring up here, in part because she reads my blog, and in part because it takes a lot of thought and effort about a topic to put into words and put it out here. I do not enjoy thinking about the ways in which our relationship is not perfect, it hurts, and not in a fun way.

Friday before last, (it’s taken me two weeks to write about this) however, things came to a head. and now I have to talk about it, which means talking about some of the difficulties that I’ve left untouched too long.

I suppose first and foremost is that our relationship has an expiration date. We’re not sure exactly when it will be, but since Tavi is polyamorous and I’m not, since the things we need long term don’t quite align in some significant areas we are going to break up at some point. She is not engaged yet, but she probably will be soon. She may even be married by this time next year. I’m in love with her, but I do not think I could do what it is we do with a married woman (or rather, with a woman who was married to someone else.)

Which bleeds into the fact that She’s my primary partner, my only partner, and I’m her secondary partner. Me and our relationship cannot be her first priority, but she is mine. I make it work, but it isn’t always easy. Often it hurts a little.

I try to think of it a lot like being in a long distance relationship. It just is not possible to see her as often as I want. There is a distance there, and our time together is limited, scheduled in advance, and comes to a close far too soon.

What this adds up to, is that there has been less intimacy in the past few months than I want, less even than I need to make me feel wanted, needed, loved. Rationally I know there are extraneous circumstances that we both have to deal with, I can understand that and accept it. But there is still part of me that feels very fragile.

So that Friday, we had the opportunity to return to the Mercury, I was pretty excited. It was extra time with Tavi, and it meant I got to be on her leash. Ninety percent of the evening was a ton of fun. Honestly I wish I could just  write about how deeply satisfying I find being leashed. How being connected to her by a length of chain and leather evokes feeling of contentment I don’t feel anywhere else.

and the pleasure that everyone who sees us knows that I belong to her

It might have been one of our best dates, until we got to the end of the night. I’m not really bothered by Tavi’s other partners, I get along well with them, and it doesn’t bother me that much to see her with them, at least in the contexts in which I have seen her with them.

At the Merc, there is this dancer boy Tavi has a crush on. I knew he was sort of a make-out buddy, I’d met him last time she brought me there.

When it came time to say goodnight. Tavi pulled my leash down so I was bent facing the ground. Compliant, I waited in the position the put me as I realized she was kissing the dancer boy. My chest grew tight, and I felt a little ill. I was hating it, but I didn’t know what to do. “Should, I safeword? Should I throw a fit. Should I just wait till it’s over and then tell her how I feel?”

I was confused too, because I could feel how much she was enjoying this scenario. The ran her fingers through my hair with a free hand and held me in place while she kissed him. I couldn’t breathe, and I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to stop her from doing something she was so obviously enjoying.

When it was over and she let me up, it took only a moment for her to realize something was wrong. I could hardly speak, or breathe, so I asked to go outside. I told her what was up, how I was feeling, that I wanted to go to the car. I didn’t want to do this in public, since we were both tearing up already.

She was afraid I was going to to break up with her over it. I was just feeling… I don’t know, scared, unvalued. Maybe that scene just triggered all the feelings I want to avoid in a relationship, made me feel like I was unwanted. Maybe it’s that I feel some sense of competition with dancer boy that I don’t feel with her established partners.

We had to talk it out, in tears, at the end of an otherwise terrific evening. We discussed a lot of the issues that we had left undecided. She’s concerned for me, and what’s best for me. She mentioned that maybe I’d be better off without her. Despite my protests to the contrary, she’s had to think about it.

We haven’t really come to definite conclusions, except that we’re not breaking up soon. We’ll talk again about a deadline for our relationship in a few months, or when she’s engaged. In the meantime, she is really good for me. I’m signed up for school this fall, and I’m registering for classes. I’m back at the gym regularly, and with her I’m happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.

I know this is kind of a downer post. It was hard to write. The last couple of weeks have been good, though. I have fun and sexy stuff to write about soon.