Tavi wanted me to see her bottom Thursday (The verb, not the noun, which is spectacular.)
We had discussed a quiet dinner date for Thursday night, and then on Wednesday, she suggested that after dinner I could accompany her to Grind (A dance and BDSM party) at the CSPC and watch some hard bottoming between her and her top (who I’d met before, and I’m going to call Edgington, just because.) Immediately the thought of watching her with another man put a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I was not terribly comfortable with the idea for a few reasons. For one, watching her be intimate with another man in any way is a lot different than simply knowing that that she is, or even hearing about it. In my head it’s all detached and OK, but right in front of me I was concerned it might be too much to bear. Two, While I know she’s a masochist too, that she would be enjoying the pain, I didn’t like the idea of seeing her hurt. And, I guess back too the first point, I didn’t want to see her look up at someone else during the pain the way I look at her when she hurts me.
But she wanted me there. In part I think, because she’s an exhibitionist. Partially to expose me to some harder bottoming, to show me how it’s done. And partially, I think as sort of an ongoing testing of my boundaries and reactions to these sorts of situations.
I did my best to explain how I felt, but said that if it was important to her I would come. She also said that it was just going to be flogging, and after that I relaxed quite a bit. I know that sometimes her scenes with her and Edgington get kinda sexual and, knowing I wouldn’t have to watch that was a big relief to me. I started to be more excited to see her than I was nervous about watching her scene.
Thursday evening we had dinner at her place and discussed the evening, I helped her get ready, She wore a swell pink halter dress, and put me in charge of her aftercare bag.
The CSPC was much how I remembered it. Grind is a louder party than the tasting I’d been to before, but the atmosphere was once again overstimulating. I wasn’t relaxed, too many strangers I think. I don’t know if Tavi knew what I needed or if it was just what she wanted, but she started torturing me a bit, in her usual way, Pinching, pressure points, targeting sensitive or already bruised areas. She brought me to my knees in short order. After that, the crowd was no longer an issue, I was nicely focused on her.
She also decided that in addition to watching over her aftercare bag (and procuring red and green gummi bears) she didn’t want me to sit on furniture for the rest of the evening. Rather to sit at her feet should she take a seat somewhere. I agreed to this easily, I must admit I liked how apparent it made our dynamic.
While she mingled for a bit and I was at her feet. She began to step on my leg with her high heel. Casual continuing her conversation she bruised the fuck out of my thighs for a while, until finally Edgington was ready to start her scene.
I followed her to an area with a sort of St. Andrews cross thing and arranged her bag and dress on a chair while I sat on the floor to watch her scene.
It wasn’t as bad as I feared. Watching her be beaten. When she was face down on the cross it was simple, a slow build up. Edgington is good with a flogger and it’s clear where Tavi gets a lot of her moves. She uses a similar rhythm topping me to what I saw him use on her.
When she turned around it was hard. The pain on her face was terrible to behold. I’m no sadist and I could only watch as she shook with tears and her make-up ran. She was amazing though, she takes a lot more than I do and has much better discipline throughout. This, I suspect is what she wanted to demonstrate to me.
Aftercare was a challenge to watch too. The cuddling and comforting made me, jealous, isn’t quite the right word. I know she needed it, and he probably needed to provide it, but I wanted very much to hold her. Eventually she was calm and still. I handed off water and gummi bears, and later sweatpants and a t-shirt that she could easily dress in. The two of them moved to a couch to come down further while I squared away her things and then took my place at her feet.
We sat there for sometime, watching the other scenes going on. Eventually Edgington had other business and handed Tavi off to me. We hugged and talked a bit, and there I was kneeling at her feet when she started to top me again. Not even an hour after being in tears she was pulling my hair till I sat the way she wanted.
She punched me in the chest. Hard, over and over again. I fought to kneel straight and still, not to flinch or cower. I don’t have a fraction of the control she does, but I think I took more of a beating over a shorter period then than I ever had prior.
After my belting Saturday I felt like crying, I could taste the tears about to come but I held it in. I haven’t cried since 2008, at all, and it’s been a big fantasy of mine to get pushed to that point. I cried Thursday. Not a deluge of tears, but an irrepressible trickle. I knelt before Tavi and held onto her, crying softly against her breast.
That was kinda huge for me.
I didn’t let go completely, but I couldn’t keep it bottled either. It took me a while to get control of my sniffling. The whole time she comforted me. I had to work in the morning, so we had to go, which is part of why I didn’t just let go. I don’t know how long I might have cried if I had. So, we made out goodbyes and left.
Walking to the car, since it was quiet and private I tried to explain what was going on in my head. But just talking about it, had me in tears by the time we got seated in the car. Tavi was amazing and sweet, and wanted me to let go if I needed, but I needed to get home and get at least four hours of sleep before work, so I composed myself.
I drove her home, we made plans for trying to get me back to that space soon, at a time and place that I’ll be comfortable letting go. I don’t think it will be hard. I feel like something’s been knocked loose inside me and even now the push of a feather will send me over the edge. But, I’ll have her to hold onto, so I’ll be safe.