Submissive in Seattle

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Switch

Tavi wanted me to see her bottom Thursday (The verb, not the noun, which is spectacular.)

We had discussed a quiet dinner date for Thursday night, and then on Wednesday, she suggested that after dinner I could accompany her to Grind (A dance and BDSM party) at the CSPC and watch some hard bottoming between her and her top (who I’d met before, and I’m going to call Edgington, just because.) Immediately the thought of watching her with another man put a knot in the pit of my stomach.

I was not terribly comfortable with the idea for a few reasons. For one, watching her be intimate with another man in any way is a lot different than simply knowing that that she is, or even hearing about it. In my head it’s all detached and OK, but right in front of me I was concerned it might be too much to bear. Two, While I know she’s a masochist too, that she would be enjoying the pain, I didn’t like the idea of seeing her hurt. And, I guess back too the first point, I didn’t want to see her look up at someone else during the pain the way I look at her when she hurts me.

But she wanted me there. In part I think, because she’s an exhibitionist. Partially to expose me to some harder bottoming, to show me how it’s done. And partially, I think as sort of an ongoing testing of my boundaries and reactions to these sorts of situations.

I did my best to explain how I felt, but said that if it was important to her I would come. She also said that it was just going to be flogging, and after that I relaxed quite a bit. I know that sometimes her scenes with her and Edgington get kinda sexual and, knowing I wouldn’t have to watch that was a big relief to me. I started to be more excited to see her than I was nervous about watching her scene.

Thursday evening we had dinner at her place and discussed the evening, I helped her get ready, She wore a swell pink halter dress, and put me in charge of her aftercare bag.

The CSPC was much how I remembered it. Grind is a louder party than the tasting I’d been to before, but the atmosphere was once again overstimulating. I wasn’t relaxed, too many strangers I think. I don’t know if Tavi knew what I needed or if it was just what she wanted, but she started torturing me a bit, in her usual way, Pinching, pressure points, targeting sensitive or already bruised areas. She brought me to my knees in short order. After that, the crowd was no longer an issue, I was nicely focused on her.

She also decided that in addition to watching over her aftercare bag (and procuring red and green gummi bears) she didn’t want me to sit on furniture for the rest of the evening. Rather to sit at her feet should she take a seat somewhere. I agreed to this easily, I must admit I liked how apparent it made our dynamic.

While she mingled for a bit and I was at her feet. She began to step on my leg with her high heel. Casual continuing her conversation she bruised the fuck out of my thighs for a while, until finally Edgington was ready to start her scene.

I followed her to an area with a sort of St. Andrews cross thing and arranged her bag and dress on a chair while I sat on the floor to watch her scene.

It wasn’t as bad as I feared. Watching her be beaten. When she was face down on the cross it was simple, a slow build up. Edgington is good with a flogger and it’s clear where Tavi gets a lot of her moves. She uses a similar rhythm topping me to what I saw him use on her.

When she turned around it was hard. The pain on her face was terrible to behold. I’m no sadist and I could only watch as she shook with tears and her make-up ran. She was amazing though, she takes a lot more than I do and has much better discipline throughout. This, I suspect is what she wanted to demonstrate to me.

Aftercare was a challenge to watch too. The cuddling and comforting made me, jealous, isn’t quite the right word. I know she needed it, and he probably needed to provide it, but I wanted very much to hold her. Eventually she was calm and still. I handed off water and gummi bears, and later sweatpants and a t-shirt that she could easily dress in. The two of them moved to a couch to come down further while I squared away her things and then took my place at her feet.

We sat there for sometime, watching the other scenes going on. Eventually Edgington had other business and handed Tavi off to me. We hugged and talked a bit, and there I was kneeling at her feet when she started to top me again. Not even an hour after being in tears she was pulling my hair till I sat the way she wanted.

She punched me in the chest. Hard, over and over again. I fought to kneel straight and still, not to flinch or cower. I don’t have a fraction of the control she does, but I think I took more of a beating over a shorter period then than I ever had prior.

After my belting Saturday I felt like crying, I could taste the tears about to come but I held it in. I haven’t cried since 2008, at all, and it’s been a big fantasy of mine to get pushed to that point. I cried Thursday. Not a deluge of tears, but an irrepressible trickle. I knelt before Tavi and held onto her, crying softly against her breast.

That was kinda huge for me.

I didn’t let go completely, but I couldn’t keep it bottled either. It took me a while to get control of my sniffling. The whole time she comforted me. I had to work in the morning, so we had to go, which is part of why I didn’t just let go. I don’t know how long I might have cried if I had. So, we made out goodbyes and left.

Walking to the car, since it was quiet and private I tried to explain what was going on in my head. But just talking about it, had me in tears by the time we got seated in the car. Tavi was amazing and sweet, and wanted me to let go if I needed, but I needed to get home and get at least four hours of sleep before work, so I composed myself.

I drove her home, we made plans for trying to get me back to that space soon, at a time and place that I’ll be comfortable letting go. I don’t think it will be hard. I feel like something’s been knocked loose inside me and even now the push of a feather will send me over the edge. But, I’ll have her to hold onto, so I’ll be safe.

 

15 thoughts on “Switch

  1. nagadikandang

    Beautifully written.

    Jalan, my owner, is both sadist and masochist. I am neither. She has occasionally had me top her, but the pain I’ve been able to bring myself to inflict has been token, at most. I’m sure it’s something she’ll continue to want to explore, but she’s careful about that kind of pushing.

    I don’t know how I’d react to watching someone else beat her the way she sometimes needs — I’ve not yet been present for it — but I appreciate your writing.

    1. Peroxide

      Hmmm. I’m at least a little masochistic and that made it much easier to understand what she was getting out of the experience. Oddly, I remember wondering what Edgington was getting out of it, thing “Why the hell would you want to hurt a woman like her when she could be hurting you instead?” That and a lot of weird conflicty feelings kept in check only by knowing that I was supposed to stay put.

      I’m not sure whether it would be harder to watch more of this, or to try and service top her. But, we actually talked a little about that and the idea of me toppping her doesn’t do anything for her.

  2. Neophyte

    Man, I know that feeling of being uncomfortable seeing a play partner switch. On both occasions it has happened to me, I was still floating from a heavy (for me) and prolonged scene with her, which I suspect made things more difficult. I also think it would be easier for me if she topped me after her scenes bottoming, but she has told me it’s much harder to switch that direction than top->bottom, and I can understand that. Plus, if I bottomed to stuff as hard as she does, I would be in no shape to stand, let alone smack someone around. And ultimately, the illustration is pretty accurate. Do you think it helped you that Tavi gave you a job to do related to her scene?

    Also, it’s really sweet that she made you sit at her feet during the evening. It’s weird that I think that’s sweet, isn’t it? Hell, I don’t care; to me, that would be sweet.

    1. Clodagh

      Agree with Neophyte, I thought her asking you to sit at her feet for the evening was really sweet too. It did make me grin uncontrollably. *bounce*

      I’ve never been in a situation like this so can’t give much input here. I cringed a little when you talked about watching her bottoming. I don’t think it’s something I’d ever ask my sub to do, given the dynamic of our relationship. How do you feel now though, since you’ve had more time to think about it and digest what happened? Did she leave you any nice marks? 🙂

      1. Peroxide

        I feel like her intention was mostly one of instruction. She wanted to demonstrate how I should be behaving when I bottom for her. I think for her, my emotional conflict, and choosing to overcome it to please her was mostly a bonus.

        She left some marks, but they will take a few days to really show up I think, at least that has been the case with punching before. Her heel left clear red squares all over my legs, but I had some trouble uploading the picture.

    2. Peroxide

      Yeah, I think it helped that I was connected (at least a little) to the scene. It helped that she made it clear that she wanted me watching her. But still it was difficult.

      Yeah, it’s sweet. It may not be conventional, but it is still a public display of affection.

  3. Tomio Hall-Black

    I have no input on the dynamics of a switch, because I have no idea how that works. It would be difficult for me to watch on a couple of levels, though.

    I understand completely about wanting to be pushed to tears, and about fearing that once they start they will never stop. I’ve found such moments, however, can’t be planned – they just happen spontaneously. I’ve had less pain with more tears and more pain with no tears, but when it is just the right thing at just the right time, it is, indeed, magical.

    1. Peroxide

      I don’t know if it was lack of sleep or if she’s just put a chink in my armor but I felt uncomfortably close to tears for most of Friday morning, and then again watching the hobbit Friday afternoon. We’ve planned on trying to get me to release Sunday, hopefully it will happen then, because I really don’t want to break down out at random somewhere, without her there.

  4. Capn_Andy

    Heya Peroxide! Longtime reader, first time commenter. 🙂

    I loved this story. I’m quietly sitting here making :3 faces imagining being at someones feet throughout a play party and such.

    > it’s been a big fantasy of mine to get pushed to that point

    The hottest porn I ever consumed was text-only and ended in a powerful moment of tears. Before that, I had never really considered it. Now I feel much the same way: It’s some sort of fantasy, to be pushed to that point, and I’m jealous of your recounting of it.

    You know, as much as one can be jealous of tears and pain and all that. 🙂

    You say you didn’t get to let go completely – and when I read that, that felt a bit like a punch-in-the-gut to me. If I was in that situation I’d go full-steam-ahead, damn the morning, not care about the consequences; restraint in that moment was very responsible of you but also maddening for me. I’m wondering how you’re holding up afterwards… Any regrets? Your desire to push further must be huge.

    I was also wondering about Tavi throughout all of this – you do a great job of explaining what you were feeling, but I’m really wondering how she reacted (internally) to all this. Maybe you haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet?

    (also I just saw the smiley at the bottom of the page and thought I had spit on the screen by mistake. It won’t wipe off! damn you!)

    1. Peroxide

      Hi Andy,
      Pleasure to hear from you, hope you’re enjoying reading.

      You say you didn’t get to let go completely – I’m wondering how you’re holding up afterwards… Any regrets? Your desire to push further must be huge.

      Part off me didn’t shut off. I was still dimly aware of my surroundings, aware that I had to get up for work in about five hours, aware that I needed hold back the tears or I might be there all night. It was the right decision to make, but yes, I would have liked to let go. The next morning was weird and I’ve felt more emotional since then, perhaps even since Sunday, but definitely since Thursday night. I do really hope I can let go of this soon.

      I was also wondering about Tavi throughout all of this – I’m really wondering how she reacted (internally) to all this. Maybe you haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet?

      We have talked a little. I don’t know much of what is going on for her internally. When I was crying in the car she asked if it was wrong that she was so turned on by it. That was exactly what I needed to hear, more comforting than the other sweet things she said to me. Knowing that I’m attractive to her in that pathetic state is powerful.

      (also I just saw the smiley at the bottom of the page and thought I had spit on the screen by mistake. It won’t wipe off! damn you!)

      I haven’t used any smileys, I make a deliberate point of not using emoticons, so I think perhaps you saw one in Clodagh’s comment and mistakenly thought it was mine.

      1. Capn_Andy

        Knowing that I’m attractive to her in that pathetic state is powerful.

        Mmm yes, as I read that I got a big grin myself. Definitely the right thing to say in that situation!

        More than just being attractive in a pathetic state, or the tears themselves, I think the power dynamic itself is super powerful there. If someone has the ability to push someone to tears, while they sat there and took it (and enjoyed it), that’s a really powerful thing.

        You’re not just sitting there, yawning, having fun. You are being moved by the experience. Legitimately, powerfully, deeply moved.

        And it’s all her fault! *laughs*

        I haven’t used any smileys

        Very bottom of the site, not the bottom of this thread! Very bottom footer, below the “Theme by” tag. It might be part of your wordpress theme. It’s really small!

        1. Peroxide

          Indeed. Saying this was kinda huge for me is the very definition of ironic understatement. I haven’t cried, even by myself for years. Very few people have ever seen me cry. Powerful doesn’t cover half of it.

          Very bottom of the site, not the bottom of this thread! Very bottom footer, below the “Theme by” tag. It might be part of your wordpress theme. It’s really small!

          Oh great, now that is going to bug me. I neither put that there, nor was I aware of its existence. But I like this theme and don’t know how to fix just that one spot.

  5. Pingback: Happy Tears « Submissive in Seattle

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