So I watched Tangled Friday night. I don’t usually watch family movies, but I had heard good things, and I wanted a feel good movie. It’s quite good, (and it involves frying pan beatdowns and hair bondage ) but unexpectedly I got a little choked up here and there, and when the film reached it’s climax I nearly lost it.
(Spoiler alert: The line was “You were my new dream.”)
I seriously could have broke down crying right there, but I didn’t let myself.
I haven’t cried in years, the last time I remember being this close was watching Ben Hur which was probably sometime in 2009. (The last time I actually cried was sometime in the spring of 2008, and I was very drunk.)
I’m sure you’re shaking your head, going “My dear Peroxide, that simply is no way to go through life. all bottled up and repressed like that.” And honestly, I agree with you. I just find myself incapable of letting go enough to break down.
Part of also thinks that I’ve gone this long, I can’t just break down for any old thing.
No matter how much saddness it makes.
At the same time I’ve mentioned that I sort of have this fantasy of being brought to tears by my domme. I don’t know if I could do it, I can’t even let myself cry when I’m alone. The amount of trust I’d need to have in someone before I willingly let the see me cry, that’s the appeal I think. I can barely imagine being so sure that someone loved me enough that I could bring down those kind of walls.
I don’t imagine it would come easily. I think I would first have to work up the nerve to say that’s what I want, and we’d probably have to work towards it, because pain alone probably wouldn’t get me there and I’m really nervous about the possibility of humiliation/scolding/emotional sadism.
And I might continue to hold back for fear that once the flood gates opened up I’d never be able to stop.
But if it happened…
I imagine I would feel weightless.
Letting go finally, knowing she’s going to be there to comfort me, that would be indescribable.
Mmkay, I’m going to go put on something happy and make all these feeling go away.
Gagh. I wasn’t going to comment on this, I was just going to “like” it but then I saw that you put “Man-up” in the tags. Pfft. It’s totally fine to feel emotional about things, doesn’t make you less “manly”. Plus, Tangled is an *adorable* movie. No shame there, my friend!
Yeah I know.
Often, especially with issues related to masculinity I have a tendency to be quite facetious, and yet just a little bit serious. I know that there isn’t anything unmasculine with being in touch with ones emotions, and yet I’m still a tad uncomfortable with possibly being perceived as weak.
So I make a joke. “man-up.” The real joke here is that this false image of masculinity is ridiculous, and that’s what I’m making fun of, while still feeling some drive to put on a brave face, so to speak.
I see the man-box, recognize its inherent absurdity, mock it even, and am still compelled to try and fit in it.
My head is a strange place to live.
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