I’m falling apart at the seams here. My anxiety is running wild and my emotions are overwhelming my ability to stay calm and collected.
If you’ve been reading for a while you know that I have a hang-up about crying. For a long time I wouldn’t let myself cry at all, and in the last years I’ve allowed myself some controlled cathartic experiences. That restraint is destroyed, and I find myself being brought to tears over relatively minor matters. It bothers me to be so far out of control of myself. I’m a drift in a maelstrom of chemical imbalances and there is no one at the wheel.
Whereas I genuinely enjoy when someone else has control, being rudderless like this is unbearable. I can not deal with it and it’s tearing me down.
I’m in the midst of trying to taper of a medicine that was not effective for me, and the process is causing the most outrageous spikes of anxiety I can ever remember experiencing, as well as leaving me emotionally raw, a walking exposed nerve rather than a man.
I don’t know if I can make it through this.