What Was I Saying #2.1 Supplemental Kinky Two Shoes

Below I’ve included the original draft document for a post I referenced earlier. Dishevelled Domina was a Lifestyle kinkster from a Southern Baptist background (if I recall correctly.) Very kind and generous with her time. I think pleased to find another person grappling with the unique mental gymnastics required to acknowledge yourself as “Kinky”

Below I’ve included the original draft document for a post I referenced earlier. Dishevelled Domina was a Lifestyle kinkster from a Southern Baptist background (if I recall correctly.) Very kind and generous with her time. I think pleased to find another person grappling with the unique mental gymnastics required to acknowledge yourself as Kinky¹ while maintaining an internally consistent dialogue about a religion that imposes definitive gender roles and sexual restrictions. Anyway Here is this old guest post sans about two dozen dead hyperlinks I used to include as frequent cutaway gags as a way of highlighting my frequently derailed train of thought.

Kinky-two shoes:

on searching for BDSM as a virgin

by Peroxide

DD asked me recently, if I’d like to do another² guest post, I was rather excited for the opportunity, because the topic I’m writing about today has been on my mind in one form or another for quite a while.

I’ve had to stop, start, and restart several times because I felt it was too me-centric. Honestly though, I’m not sure how many readers will be able to relate to it any way. But, here it goes:³

If you tell anyone that you’re nervous about becoming intimately involved with someone because you are a virgin, you will almost certainly be comforted to find out that it’s perfectly okay to be a virgin.⁴

However, let’s say you want to hold onto to that V-card for a later date, well, sure, there are lots of people who are waiting for someone special to give their virginity to. What? you want to wait until you get married, and also you want a kinky spouse? —⁵

The thing is, there is a lot⁶ of information out there on how to find a kinky/BDSM/sexually compatible partner and there is also a lot of information out there for how to date while saving yourself for marriage⁷ but never the two shall meet.

If you, gentle reader, have gotten here by googling something along the lines of “BDSM dating for Christian singles” know that I’m staring down the barrel of this same gun, and I figure there are two options open to us, though I couldn’t say which would be more difficult.⁸

If you are looking for this type of seemingly paradoxical compatibility, I think you’re going to have to focus on searching one of the two, Either look for a BDSMer with compatible values, or look for a “vanilla” partner with compatible kinks. The advantage to focusing on kinksters first, is that at your local munch, on fetlife, alt.com, collarme, or wherever you know right off the the bat that whomever you are getting to know identifies in some way as kinky (or, whatever palatable term they choose) and so when/if it comes up that that you want your lover to dress up as She-Hulk and play angry with your coin purse, it hopefully won’t kill the conversation.⁹

You know what does kill a conversation? Hi, My name’s Peroxide and I’m remaining pure until marriage because of my relationship with Jesus Christ (even I roll my eyes to that Ned Flanders sort of thing). Sooner or later, when presented with the option to play, or in a discussion of limits, you’re going to have to drop the V-bomb, and, then explain what a goody two-shoes like yourself is doing in a dungeon instead of teaching Sunday school or knitting sweaters for the homeless. It’s an awkward conversation to have, even if you know that whomever you’re talking to shares your beliefs. ¹⁰

But, you will have to let people know, either by leading in with it, in a bid to avoid wasting anyone’s time (including your own), or bringing it up after you’ve begun to establish a relationship and risk disappointing your prospective partner (or of course caving into temptation, since you’ve finally found someone who wants to brand their name into your ass before fucking you senseless.)¹¹

Starting a dialogue with a spiel about remaining abstinent¹² makes it sound like that’s your whole deal, but if you put that discussion off long enough they’re going to assume you’re good to go until it comes time to break out the clamps and lube. Besides all that awkwardness, you still have the issue that you likely come from rather different perspectives than many of the people who have embraced “The Scene” both online and off. 

There are some very colorful personalities out there, and some unconventional belief systems. I’m not making a judgement here,¹³ but I’m pointing this out because personally, I suffer from an affliction where I am unable to listen to more than a minute of new-agey speak before my eyes begin to involuntarily roll about in my skull like reels on a nickle slot machine.¹⁴

For example The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt. is a helpful read, (really, go ahead a check it out) but I couldn’t even finish the chapter about sacred sexuality.¹⁵ That’s my issue I know, but I think it would prevent me from integrating into “The Scene”.

Even before you actually start a relationship there is also this little problem: Heading out to a munch, where do you tell your roommates you’re going? Spend the weekend at a shibari and fisting conference, how come you couldn’t come see your co-workers band play? Got a new message on Fetlife? hope you don’t leave your e-mail open where your parents might see it.¹⁶

Finally, even if it all works out and you find someone nice, who wants to spit in your mouth and choke you on your wedding night just like you’ve always dreamed… you’re still going to be asked how you two met, approximately a million times, by everyone from your boss, to gram-gram to your (someday) children. ¹⁷

Ok, now that I’ve thoroughly scared you away from that line of search, let me tell you why you aren’t going to meet a latex-loving puppy-slut at the church bake sale (Just Kidding. Mostly). There’s this book, Uniquely Rika¹⁸ that gives some down to earth advice on how to make a D/s (specifically F/m) relationship out of a pre-existing relationship of some sort. While it’s no doubt helpful to many, the author’s language and advice concerning “True Submission” and gifting submissive partners with that (pervy) S&M stuff he likes once in a while convinced me that it wouldn’t be enough for me to get play, from someone who was doing it for my sake.

I really need a partner who wants to dominate me as much as I want to be dominated. Which means, for me (and anyone who doesn’t feel terribly comfortable hitting the scene) finding someone who’s “kinky” out in the great wide Vanilla world.

I think (or hope) it is getting easier for people, new couples, to discuss sex and its myriad forms because the anecdotal evidence I’ve heard suggests that you can’t just spot sexual dominance/submission in people walking down the street. ¹⁹

Of course, some people get very lucky and wind up with people who have latent traits that they may not yet acknowledge or have a name for. For the most part,  people don’t wear their kinks on their sleeves. Unless you force it, turn-ons, aren’t likely to come up in conversation in a romantic, but non-sexual relationship for a long time.²⁰

If and When you do discuss, with your significant other, sex and the things that make you hot/hard/wet BDSM has a whole vocabulary that may not mean the same things to them as they do to you.

You probably realize that the sentence, “Yesterday I tossed a business man’s salad while my manager looked on,” is going to paint a very different picture to your home-schooled sweetheart than it would to a twenty-year veteran of the leather scene. 

Introducing major kinks into an otherwise Vanilla relationship isn’t going to be easy for anyone. It’s got to be just as hard for a young woman to get her sweater-vest wearing honey of a hubby to pull her hair and call her a whore,²¹ as it is for a young dude to get his Sunday-school teaching snuggums interested in riding his ass like it’s the Kentucky Derby.

It’s going to be the same for any fantasy you want to share. Jumping ahead to all the gory details of your “Biggest Fantasy” is probably inadvisable. I wonder if anyone answers “What is your biggest fantasy?” honestly.  

²²Start slow, try and explain what it is about being paddled with a cricket bat that turns you on, without raving about how it must be real English willow.  If you don’t scare them off maybe, maybe, they’ll be amenable to the Idea.   If you’re very lucky they’re GGG and ready to go.

…and, there’s always the off the chance that they’ve been having wet dreams about that very scenario all these years.²³

I wish I could leave you with a “go get ’em tiger, it’s all going to work out” conclusion, but I haven’t figured this out for myself yet, let alone patented a four-step program to finding your perfect match.  If you’re reading this because you’re in the same weird place as I am,  at least now you know that you’re not the only person trying to balance these conflicting elements, and balance, I think here is key. ²⁴

You shouldn’t have to give up one major part of yourself for the other.  I don’t think this is a “have your cake and eat it too” sort of thing so much as a “make it work because you deserve to be happy” deal. 

About the Author:

Peroxide is a riddle shrouded in a mystery, wrapped in a delicious piece of submissive man-candy. When not writing on other people’s blogs he can be found making obscure pop-culture references in Seattle, WA.²⁵

Yeah, so that was my 2nd major public post as a kinky young man, a rambling and self-interested letter of unsolicited advice. I spent a lot of time trying to make people laugh or smile while reading a piece that instinctively feels self-indulgent. I don’t recall how much engagement those posts got, but I began blogging shortly after this went up, it’s a lot of words about how to find someone with whom to write new rules for what sex is, while remaining inline with the flow of a group who believes the rules are immutable and handed down by omnipotent god.

I had already recognized that the rules did not allow me to comfortably be myself, at least in some regards, but couldn’t not reconcile their shortcomings with my worldview.²⁶ It’s mildly mortifying to read, like watching video of oneself trying to learn to tie one’s shoes.

Until next time,

Peroxide (12/15/2023)

1. Sexually aroused specifically by the inversion of the gendered power structure or outside of sexual norms imposed by a religious culture. ↩︎
2. I’ve found the text for that Q&A as well and it’s dense, will have to be another post sometime. ↩︎
3. I don’t really manage to broaden the appeal of this post much, and I rather hope kids today havent got the same level of baggage that I did. ↩︎
4. Whatever the cutaway gag here was, it would have been me trying to emphasize that prematurely reassuring someone about personal concerns is counterproductive. I knew it was “okay” to be a virgin, I had concerns a out how virginity and abstinence would impact my ability to find a partner, but being reassured that there was nothing wrong with the former instead gave one a sense that there was something wrong with who I was. ↩︎
5. My hypothetical postulation here reads absolutely bizarre to me at this point, I was never interrogated about virginity in the way that any deviation from median sexual attitudes in my community was interrogated. No one really cared that I was a virgin, and no sex was not a sticking point that people pressured me on, but I spent so much energy preparing for kinksters to relate to me with the same type of critical judgement I learned to expect growing up. ↩︎
6. Some, but not nearly as much as I make it seem here. ↩︎
7. Moving this parenthetical here because it made the paragraph unreadable: regarding strategies for remaining sexually abstinent (Here’s a hint: group dates, mini-golf, and back-rubs in the front room lead to front-rubs in the backroom) ↩︎
8. I feel bad for Christians finding this now hoping to find an example of how to do Christianity and femdom together, I found that outside of the bubble of christianity I was raised in I couldn’t maintain the compartmentalization required to engage with the faith any longer. ↩︎
9. This is pulled out of my ass, and is still basically the advice I offer.
   If Kink is one of the top 3 things you want in a romantic or sexual relationship then you need to prioritize it. It makes a lot more sense to try an individual who shares your values at within the community that prioritizes open and honest communication about personal desires and limits rather than try to find someone who shares your turn-ons at the church singles-mixer. ↩︎
10. It’s not that hard, you’ll just feel like a dork in retrospect. In my experience kinksters are generally less likely to treat you poorly for having limits than churchgoers are for having kinks. ↩︎
11. I’ve never met a sentence that I didn’t wish to give a parenthetical (like the architects of the baroque age tossing domes and cupolas about willy-nilly ↩︎
12. Ironic that this “Christian Virgin Malesub” was like “my whole thing” for a while because I’m doing exactly that and introducing myself to the blogosphere with this stuff first. ↩︎
13. I was and am. ↩︎
14. I still maintain a low tolerance for supernatural claims, though I’ve learned to understand a broader vernacular over the years. ↩︎
15. Definitely a me issue, I’m pretty sure I haven’t had that problem with subsequent reads. ↩︎
16. So much of this goes away with your own space and realizing that your coworkers don’t care and just want to talk about what they did over the weekend. ↩︎
17. Few people ask this now that everyone meets online in some form or another. Now that I’m married to my dominant we tell folks “Twitter” and no one really cares beyond that details. ↩︎
18. I have no real memory of this book other than it’s still in the back of my kindle collection ↩︎
19. Probably the most frequently asked question in kink forums is some way of identifying other kinky people without talking to people about it. ↩︎
20. Bullshit, practice saying the things you’re afraid to say out loud so when the opportunity arises you’re able to talk about it naturally. People flirt all the time, learn to flirt in an honest way. ↩︎
21. It’s certainly not nearly as hard, there’s a whole fandom for maledom christian households, sexual dominance and aggression is often taken as a default for men. ↩︎
22. Ridiculous that I’m giving advice at this point in my life, it’s mostly just translating what I’d read elsewhere for an audience of myself. ↩︎
23. I think this included a link to this arrested development reference ↩︎
24. Yeah, I’m definitely just writing this for myself ↩︎
25. Peroxide is too full of himself at the best of times, and a huuuuudddgge the rest of the times. ↩︎
26. Eventually the weight of “because of god’s ineffable plan” could no longer counterbalance my experience of the world and myself in it. ↩︎