Young Kinky People

There isn’t exactly a wealth of information aimed at young kinky people. There are a few resources (such as Scarleteen) which provide some information of BDSM to younger people, but for the most part kinksters are assumed to be established adults.

In any case, I feel like they’re isn’t a ton of writing specifically for and about at young adult-ish people like myself (I could be wrong, I tend to only read the same dozen or so blogs) in any case I’ve asked to the lovely and talented Amy of Lipstick and Ligature to do a little Q&A exchange with me about being a kinky young adult. Below are her answers to questions I asked, and over on her blog she has my answers to her questions

Amy, I know you’ve written about it before, but how and when did you realise you were kinky/dominant?

You know, I think about this all the time and it’s actually very difficult for me to pinpoint an exact Moment I Realised I Was Kinky. I don’t think there is one just a series of events that happened over time. I always knew that this was something that people did but never fully understood it until later. I was about 17 when I finally realised that I could put a label on my sexuality and how I felt. Over time, I think that I’ve been able to understand that it isn’t just something sexual but a relationship dynamic and a form of emotional expression that I feel I need to have healthy relationships.

When talking about relationships with your vanilla peers, specifically other women how do you feel? How honest can you be with them?

Out of all of my female friends there are only a couple who I’ve ever really spoken about this with. One was/is totally fine about it. It’s not something she’s into but if I’m so compelled she’ll listen and chat about it with me. Another knows but does not understand how I could want to “hurt” someone and enjoy it at all. If anything, I have felt like that this person found it to be something of a joke. I’m very wary of discussing relationships and sex in the way that a lot of women do when they’re together. Usually, if I’m with my female friends I just don’t mention that side of my sexuality at all. This has led to some people commenting that I seem “uptight” during those kinds of discussions. I don’t want to “inflict” it onto them and make them feel uncomfortable. That said, it would be nice to be able to discuss kink with a female friend who understood, but it’s something I don’t have right now so I just don’t think about talking about it too much and I’m fine with that.

You did what to him?

How do you feel about the “BDSM Scene?” Do you feel that BDSM is too Scene-centric?

I think the BDSM “scene” seems to be very cliquey from the outside. I’m not part of a local scene and have mostly interacted with other self identified kinky people via the internet. I am in a strange conflict because I know that in order to meet people with a similar sexuality to mine I have to become part of the scene and yet, just hanging out with people because we have the same sexuality is a little weird to me as i’d also like to meet people with other common interests. I also feel that the scene is only a narrow representation of kinky people and I’m sure that there are far more who enjoy their kinks but have no desire to share or display their sexual/romantic life in public. Indeed, the idea of going to a public club to play with someone strikes me as something that I wouldn’t want to do at the moment because I see kink as such a personal, private thing. So, no. I don’t think that the BDSM scene is entirely representative of all kinky people but then, one could say that about any kind of group. There will always be outliers it’s just human nature. Also, I think that people are put off because of the Scene-y feel a lot of BDSM imagery and resources have.

You are looking for a submissive man to be your romantic partner, correct? What has been your experience with self-identified submissive men so far?

Yes, that’s right I’m looking for a submissive man to be my boyfriend as well as my submissive. I’m not really interested in playing outside of a relationship. So far, my experience with submissive men has been pretty small: Everyone I’ve spoken to has been polite and lovely though sometimes a little impetuous. I think it is because as submissive men, guys spend a lot of time with women who find their kinks unusual or odd and so tend to get a little intense quite quickly. I’m lucky that I’ve not really been subject to too much creepy behaviour so far. people are people and submissive men are no different and equally diverse.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who didn’t identify as submissive, but responded well to you taking control?

The last person I was with while not kinky agreed to a little light bondage and some pinching/biting etc. It was okay but also a little awkward because I knew he didn’t want it as much as I did. So while it wasn’t the best thing ever, it was still fun. I think that this relationship made me realise that I need to be with someone who is at least open to kink and ideally, who actively wants to be the s to my D. It’s definitely not something i’m prepared to ignore or give up within a relationship. That wouldn’t be healthy.

You write some really great romantic/erotic shorts stories about a F/m couple, is there any F/m themed literature out there you recommend.

I actually started writing F/m fiction precisely because I couldn’t find any fiction that I really liked. Since then, I’ve found a few anthologies edited by Rachel Kramer Bussell that I really like: Both Yes Ma’am and Best Bondage Erotica 2012 were the best i’ve found so far.

A lot of the kink scene seems to be older (or at least older than us) how do you think that effects other young people interested in kink?

Less so now, but I think when I very first started exploring kink I think I found the lack of young people quite intimidating and frustrating. I think everyone wants to be with their own kind so the lack of young people was something I found alienating at first. That said, I think that particularly on the internet, there are so many resources/blogs popping up for people who are younger – in their twenties – and that it must be relatively easier for people in their late teens who are just finding this than it was 5 or 10 years ago.

Besides Submissiveness, what is essential for you in a partner?

Essential qualities I look for are shared values and interests. A compatible sense of humour and fun. The same kind of general qualities that everyone looks for. Specific to me, I think I need someone with their own sense of self and interests. I don’t want to have to mother someone or end up feeling stifled at this point in my life. I want someone with whom I am an equal, who accepts me for who I am. I’m headstrong and independent and can be a bit stubborn at times! I need someone who will be okay with that. That’s what I want right now. Also, hugs. It sounds silly but I’m a very tactile person and so, I need someone who would be prepared to accept frequent administration of hugs. 

In much of the world there is a burgeoning change in gender equality, how do you think this will affect the way couples look? Do you think more couples will adopt a F/m power dynamic as a result of more female breadwinners?

I think that change is always scary for people but if the dynamic between couples does start to shift then it can be a good thing. I don’t really think that this will change the way couples are seen by others outwardly, but on the inside of a relationship it could be a good thing and both partners could gain by moving out of socially prescribed gender roles. To give a (non kinky) general example, I know a family wherein the wife is the main (and very successful) breadwinner and the husband stays at home and looks after their sons. I think that this seems to work great for them because the boys get to spend time with their dad and see something other than the traditional gender roles. I think it’s all about balance. This dynamic works really well for that family but I know other people for whom it would be hell. If I had to describe my “ideal” relationship then it would be one in which I could keep working and most of the final decisions would fall to me. I would hate to be with a man who was completely passive or a people pleaser though. It just wouldn’t work. I want to be with someone who has independent thoughts in their head and opinions but willingly hands over power to me. It’s the sort of thing I’d have to negotiate within a relationship but generally, that’s how I see it. I’d like there to be a sharing of domestic responsibilities but I think that’s something I’ll deal with when I get to it.  ^_^

You discovered kink in your late teens and could access whatever information you wanted about it, how much information do you think should be available for younger people who find a burgeoning interest in BDSM?

I think this is a topic which doesn’t get discussed enough: It seems odd to me that most older kinky people frequently talk about how they knew from a young age that they were kinky and yet, there is so little information available to younger people. This seems to stem from a fear that if such information is provided by older people they will be accused of corrupting or “damaging” young people. But I do think there needs to be much more information for young people anyway. I know that when I first had these feelings there were periods of time when I genuinely believed that I might be mentally ill or that I would not find anyone who wanted what I did. Now of course, I’m a little further down the line and spent a lot of time reading about kink and relationships mainly on the internet through kink-themed blogs.

What advice would you give to a young person interest in BDSM, particularly a young woman interested in Domming/Topping?

I think, like you say in your response, that reading is vital if you want to educate yourself about responsible BDSM practice. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and don’t feel pressured to do anything if you’re not comfortable with it.

I think women often come to realise their kinks later than a lot of men do because we’re not encouraged to express and explore in the same way that young men are. I would also recommend that you ignore all relationship “advice” given by women’s magazines because it’s absurd. But in seriousness, I’d say that young women are generally very frightened of their bodies and they own sexuality. There’s nothing dirty or wrong about it and after all, if you don’t know what you want then how is anyone else supposed to give that to you?

If you’re a young woman who likes the idea of leading a relationship then firstly, that’s fine. It doesn’t make you a slut/weird/less lady-like than your vanilla peers. It’s just a preference like any other. You can take what you want and still be feminine and there are lots of perfectly lovely guys out there who would be into it too.
You can look how you like and not be any less dommely. Remember, it’s up to you not pop culture or the scene or anyone else. Doing certain activities don’t make you more or less kinky than anyone else. It’s not a contest it’s how you like to get laid and have romantic relationships therefore the only opinions that matter are those of your partner/s and your own. So long as everyone is comfortable and can give informed consent  then what you do is up to you. No pressure. And for God’s sake, HAVE FUN!

In your ideal relationship, with the perfect submissive man of your dreams, where do you see the relationship going? What do you imagine it will look like in middle age and beyond?

Haha. Well, I’d like to think that someone I end up with long term needs to be someone who has other shared views and interests to me. I’d also like to think that the kink becomes only a small (but still important) aspect of that relationship. I hate the idea that kink is seen as something other than “normal” and while many people get off of the taboo aspect of it I am so not one of those people. A nice quiet life with some scratchy, bitey sex will suit me fine, thank you. I’d like to think that what may have begun it’s life as passion can evolve into a comfortable dependability. I know that may sound boring but I don’t think it has to be: I see it more as a strong sense of faithfulness and fun. Too many people are old before their time.