The Virgins Guide to Dominance and Submission, is my attempt to provide a less than intimidating introduction to the topic of BDSM
As a virgin myself, I can only give so much advice. I must admit that a great deal of my motivation in compiling this guide is to provide a resource to potentially dominant women that does not treat D/s like a vaguely disgusting way to get your man to clean the gutters or an scene-centric lifestyle that requires one go “all in” if you want to be authentic. I do hope what I write here is useful for everybody who reads it, but I am a submissive man and my interest and insight pertains mainly to a monogamous female dominant/male submissive pairing.
Let’s Jump in.
BDSM, for the uninitiated is a compound acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. The Common abbreviations for these are B&D, D/s and S&m, respectively.
There are a number of terms for the roles which a person may inhabit during the practice of BDSM and while so many of these have been used interchangeably to the point of uselessness I should define a few here.
A Top is someone who gives sensations and a Bottom is someone who receives them. A dominant is someone who exercises control over a submissive who cedes control to the dominant.
Other terms for dominant include: Dom, (often, but not exclusively male) Domme, (always female) Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am, Owner, and many more.
For submissives some common terms are: sub, (sometimes specifically Malesub or Femsub) slave, pet or toy.
Be aware that if you start using a term, there are people for whom it probably denotes a specific status that they will want to argue about, other people are happy to let anyone use any title willy-nilly. I personally will describe myself as submissive, though I’m not always thrilled with it’s connotations.
Play may refer to BDSM activities, can be more specific (impact play, rope play, ect.)
A scene, is either a private bit of “play” or a semi-public demonstration/performance of the same.
“The Scene” refers to The BDSM community at large
Vanilla refers to a person who is not into BDSM, or any related scenes
Still curious? Wikipedia has a handy glossary of BDSM terms here.
What is Dominance and Submission? and what is it not?
Dominance and submission specifically is about power exchange, willingly giving one partner authority over the other. Often however, you will see this expressed through the use of the other elements of BDSM.
Here’s my nightmare: I tell my future wife that I’d like her to dominate me, and then in a stunning and uncharacteristic lack of communication I give her nothing else to go on. The next day I come home to find her in head to toe black latex, wearing a scowl, and telling me that I am a worthless worm who doesn’t deserve her if I don’t lick her overpriced footwear while she hits me with a riding crop.
See, D/s doesn’t have to look like a porn flick, it doesn’t have to have any of the other elements of BDSM if you don’t want it to.
D/s is simply the submissive partner giving control to their dominant partner, and the dominant partner accepting that control. You can then add elements of bondage, discipline sadism and masochism as desired. Understand that if both partners are happy (and safe) there is no “doing it wrong.”
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be topped by your partner either, if you are perhaps (and I’m just throwing this out there) a submissive man who wants to come home to a latex-clad pain-dispensary, it’s OK to want your fantasies fulfilled, but but understand that B&D and S&M don’t automatically include D/s. Asking your partner to bend over backwards to fulfill the requirements of the other’s fantasy is not the same thing as asking them to dominate you.
D/s doesn’t have to be all the time. You can do it in the bedroom, in the home, on weekends, with limits, without limits, whatever fits you as a couple the best is totally OK. If you take control of your partner when you’re having sex, and engage the rest of your life as equals you don’t have to feel bad for not being as “hardcore” as the Johnson’s with their 24/7 “trueslave” lifestyle.
Ideally, if I expressed my interest in D/s to a vanilla partner, we could then have a discussion, about what that means. What control I would like to give to her, what control she might enjoy having. Maybe go through a BDSM Checklist together and figure out what kind of play we are each interested in. Personally, I don’t just want a fantasy, I want a reality.
How do I find a compatible partner?
Here’s where most people are going to tell you that you have to get involved in “the scene”. Currently I am not a part of the scene, I have no intention of joining the scene anytime soon. But that’s my decision.
I do have a Fetlife account and I think that is a solid place to start, get your questions answered, hear from and about other kinky people and if you so desire find local groups of kinksters. Do remember that this is the internet, which means that there are a lot of idiots making a lot of noise, try not to let it get to you.
Maybe the whole reason you’re reading this is because you are intentionally remaining a virgin and wonder if you can find a similarly inclined partner. That’s why I’m here, to see if it can be done. You can try the sites I mentioned (Fetlife can be pretty neat.) but, mostly I think it’s going to come down to either finding a perfectly compatible partner by luck or finding a partner who is GGG so when you say you want to experiment with D/s they are happy to give it a whirl.
That’s it? That’s all you can tell me?
Pretty much, If I get anything else figured out, I’ll update the Guide and of course I do have the whole rest of my blog.
Oh, and hey! Here are some Kinky resources
Clarise Thorne’s List of BDSM resources
Cool post for Vanilla partners adapting to kinky ones By Hedonist Philosopher, It has some excellent advice if you’re partner is interested in BDSM/fetish stuff and you’re not.
If someone is on my Blogroll it means I think they’re pretty neat, so you can pop over to any of those for more information and perhaps a different perspective.