Sometimes I’m terrified and sometimes I’ve got a cool certainty that all this is alright, and good, and safe. Usually I’m more confident about things when I’m with Tavi. The more time we spend apart, the more worry seeps in, the more I think about the myriad possible negative outcomes of our relationship.
Yes, relationship. Despite not being on the relationship escalator Tavi and I discussed in our post play cuddles how we define our relationship. We’re dating. Which I like, because it means I can say she’s my girlfriend without putting finger quotes around it. I like that it feels less ephemeral than it was. It may not be a permanent arrangement, but I don’t want it to fade away to nothing at the slightest blow.
Still I’m scared. With what I think is good reason. She’s Poly, I’m not. Which for me was a lot easier to process or at least compartmentalize when she was just my play-partner/lady-friend/whatever. It is difficult for me to feel affectionate without being possessive, those emotions always have gone together in my head. But, alas, her Primary is a nice guy and I want to make sure I don’t do anything to jeopardize their relationship, because there is a future there that I can’t promise.
I don’t know if/when/ or what I’m going to tell my parents. I think my mom suspects I’m seeing someone. I don’t like lying, but I’ve already mentioned Tavi in context of her boyfriend. And even if my parents were to be fine with me being in a relationship with a polyamorous (though they’d probably have to have the concept explained to them) woman, They would want details about her and our relationship. They’d want to to know what is prompting me to do something that appeared to be very-much outside my (presented) nature.
I’m scared of what this means emotionally for both of us. The last time I felt this way about a woman, well I’ll give you one guess as to which four letter word I called this feeling. It didn’t last, and afterwards it was like my insides had been torn out and left in a mess all over the floor. I’ve basically made my peace with experiencing that again, but like a soldier about to go over the top, I still have a decent amount of piss-your-trousers-fear left in me. Furthermore I worry about her. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions, but I really don’t want to be responsible for her ever feeling like her guts have ripped out because of me.
We’ve talked about getting me a play collar. Or rather, we’ve decided that that is something we’re going to do, probably next month for my birthday. since both of us find the prospect of me leashed before her very, very exciting. I’m scared of that too. We dabble around D/s, but aren’t making any formal agreements, it’s one of my limits, but still I am if not submissive, very tractable to her will. A play collar is probably going to be a huge deal for me and I’m very excited about the possibilities but I’m not sure how I’ll react to it actually being around my neck
I’m scared of this ending, I don’t want it to be over. I’m scared of it going on too long, that the time I spend with Tavi will eventually be a regret for some reason. I’m scared that I’ll become convicted and have to end the relationship for my spiritual well being. I’m scared that I’ll leave my faith so that I can stay with her.
All these little fears and worries pick at me all time. Except when we’re together, She makes me so happy, happier than I’ve been in years. With her my worry box gets sealed up and put away. The future is far away and all that matters is being in her embrace and making her smile.