I’m writing a good deal about identity lately, just not here. Both my psych and sociology classes have me writing papers about my identity. When it comes to my sexual identity, I write about being straight, because that’s the simplest way to put it. I feel, however, that my straightness is less intrinsic to my sexual identity than my submissiveness, i.e. my fantasies are not always straight per se, but they are submissive almost 100% of the time.
It should come as little or no surprise to anyone who has made a study of my publications here, or especially on Tumblr that I have a bit of… erm… I suppose you’d call it a “cock fetish.” I don’t identify as bisexual, because I’m really not attracted to masculinity at all (except for a few instances) but I do fantasize about cock a lot.
It’s an odd (though, not entirely uncommon) thing to be turned on by masculine genitalia, but not by masculine features. Between that, and how much of a bottom I am (so much) social convention would identify me as something other than straight.
The way it comes about is complex; I think so often about having a big, fat cock, spurting inside me, but usually in the context of being forced or coerced in some way. I fantasize about being used in a way where my pleasure is completely inconsequential, but still there, if that makes sense. I fantasize also about acts that will get me off, whether I want them to or not. Having my throat and/or ass used as a cocksleeve by a man, or a group of men is one of theses fantasies.
I identify as straight despite the narrowness of the label for a couple of reasons. Firstly I’ve got to acknowledge that I’m probably dealing with some internalized bi-phobia; in fact I’m certain of it, because it’s taken me a long time to write this post, because writing about myself as not entirely straight is freaking me out in a way I can’t quite explain. It feels naughty and exciting. It feels like breaking the rules, pushing my boundaries in a way that is a little scary. Writing about what I fantasize about about feels like going through with it.
Beyond my internal struggle here, I publicly identify as straight, because otherwise I’d be dealing with other people’s bi-and-homophobia. For a cis man to express anything other than staunch heterosexuality gets him pegged as gay. There isn’t even a middle ground: bisexual men are gay, hetero-flexible men are gay, trans-attracted men are gay, guys who have experimented with other guys- also gay. Men’s sexuality is not allowed to be a spectrum, not really.
Even if I wasn’t concerned about the judgement of others, the labels available to me aren’t very accurate: if, for instance, I were to identify as hetero-flexible, then I should also add that I’m hetero-romantic. I’m not romantically attracted to men, and I don’t engage in physical intimacy without a romantic attraction. And besides, I’m still not generally sexually attracted to masculinity.
I’m sexually attracted to dominance, and femininity; I like being penetrated and I think cum is really really hot.
I’m submissive, I’m a bottom, and I’m straight, probably in that order.