Who wants to be an Alpha male, which is already in my top five most viewed posts of all time, was referenced a few days ago by paltego of Femdomresource.com. He and I have had words before, as we have rather different perspectives and opinions on Femdom, and the associated culture.
Our discussion over there runs long because, there are half a dozen topics that are all interrelated and we try to address each of them. Rather than bogart that thread with this little rabbit trail I wanted to give it it’s own post here.
I made the comment
“I’m looking for what I consider to be a fairly simple and realistic dynamic, and I am not seeing it discussed many places, and I find it in fiction in even fewer.”
To which, he replied
“As for a ‘realistic’ dynamic, who is it supposed to be realistic for? For Suzanne or for MissH where sissy and chastity play are a daily part of life? For Vanessa who enjoys cuckolding?”
What do I mean when I say I’m looking for a realistic dynamic? I see of course that one could get the idea that I feel certain things are unrealistic, and that I am denying the “realness” of the people who enjoy them. That is not my intent. What I mean to say, is that I am looking for a dynamic that is realistic for me, and my unique circumstances. In real life, and when I look for fiction/erotica/porn even discussion of femdom I tend to want the dynamic there to be something that feels achievable. Though, I have entertained impossible fantasies on occasion, I don’t even consider trying to make the a reality, nor would I discuss them as “something I would like to do.”
Lets just say that this image represents the shallow end of my pool of darker fantasies.
So, I’m a Christian as you may have picked up. My family and friends for the most part are also, many of them are more conservative than I. My faith is important to me, so a romantic partner would need to share it. I’m abstinent, I’d like for my significant other to be as well, because it is very difficult to maintain that when you’re romantically involved with someone who doesn’t value it.
These things take precedence over my kinks. I think sex is important, I think having the kind of sex you enjoy is important, but not so much that I can throw everything else my life is built on out the window to get it.
That’s what I’m working with while I look for a dominant partner. Christianity comes with baggage, and a lot of it relates to gender roles. Finding someone who values her faith, but is also interested in being the leader in a relationship seems impossibly difficult. So I am trying to keep my expectations, even my hopes realistic.
Taking all that into account, what I think of as realistic for me is a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend>engagement>husband/wife, like any other couple. Except, with a clearly defined power structure in her favor, and some kinky play.
It’s hard to say exactly what I want, when I haven’t experienced it yet. I think I would like to give as much authority as possible to her (my hypothetical future domme.) I do know that I’m masochistic, that I kink on ownership, that really as long as we didn’t involve anyone else my blacklist is pretty short.
Like, I don't really find the idea of being a footstool exciting, unless I know that she does, then it's pretty hot.
I feel like that is not a ton to ask of a GGG partner, that a good deal of what I want should be acceptable to someone who loves me even if they don’t identify as dominant. So that’s what I mean when I talk about realistic for me in real life.
Additionally the extremely female worship oriented Femdom feels “unrealistic.” For one, with my religiousness, “worshiping” anyone feels blasphemous and two, it seems like it’d be hard to maintain the sort of almost sycophantic adoration of anyone that you were living with. People are flawed, that goes for dominants the same as anyone else, prolonged exposure to anyone’s company will expose their shortcomings, soone or later you’ll be forced to confront the fact that your goddess is mortal, right? I’d rather acknowledge that from the beginning, and decide to submit anyway. To me that is a realistic fantasy.
Beyond that however, there is a certain way people write occasionally online while presenting what they’re discussing as actual events, or plausible relationship ideas, that strikes me as unrealistic not just for me, but something about the tone
or perhaps vocabulary used makes me suspicious that it is in fact a fabrication.
In these cases it seems that more often than not they are interested in certain kinks or more extreme play. I might not be particularly interested in some things, but as I said I would like to give my domme all the authority that she wants, So play that doesn’t quite make my list of things I want, could be very hot if it was what she wanted. So despite my less than favorable opinion of, for example, sissification play, it isn’t off limits so long as it stays between the two of us.
Still, I tend to think of sissification as being a less realistic fantasy, it seems to me that a lot more people are making porn about it, and are talking about on forums, than actually are in relationships where the dominant female partner is “forcibly” feminizing the submissive male partner. And this is simply conjecture, I have no numbers on it, as far as I know there are no numbers on it to be found. It is really just a gut feeling that many of the people talking about that kink in particular are be less than truthful about their real life experiences.
Fiction can be much the same, even if I’m looking for a fantasy I generally want to find something that makes it feel real. So often Femdom erotica (which is often my go to for special alone time) just gives me that same feeling of they can’t be serious, often certain kinks crop up and are treated by the author as a given for female dominants and male submissives.
The one that bothers me the most is cuckolding, when I encounter it in a story, or on a captioned image it’s often treated as the default outcome of a femdom relationship. That She is going to need a real man
, a dominant man to satisfy her, since the submissive man obviously can’t. This straight up squicks
me like nothing else
I have serious issues with infidelity and I’m not wired to be non-monogamous, I can understand that other people like this, but I can’t handle it and hate being told, even by someone telling a story that this is how it should be if you’re a submissive. So I react against it. Beyond the fact that it just bothers me, I feel like more people are interested in monogamy than are interested in ongoing non-monogamy, and that suggesting that in any dynamic non-monogamy is likely to be the default outcome feels unrealistic to me.
Conversely I have on occasion seen some unrealistic kinks written pretty well, so that I can “enjoy” the story even though the main kink isn’t one of mine. For example I remember enjoying a story
(it was a while ago, so I’m not giving it my full
recommendation) that had a strong female supremacy theme. Normally I wouldn’t dig that, but it was set in a plausible alternate universe with rigid gender roles and was an enjoyable read at the time.
I suppose I only care about realism in fiction when it is written in such a way as to suggest that it is realistic. I care about seeing the dynamic that I feel is realistic for me being under-represented in pornography and erotica because I have heard from dominant women that what they perceived Femdom as was not appealing to them, and I worry that my hypothetical future domme may get the the same impression. So if I say that we need more portrayals of smiling and laughing female dominants wearing comfortable clothing and tying up their subs with whatever they happen to have handy, it doesn’t mean I think that leather and latex, whips and chains, or heavy pain play are bad, but for some of us it’s not realistic. And I think we need to be shown a realistic way to embrace our desires.
This isn't how I want my love life to look, but this is how it is portrayed, and I think that is a problem.