It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. Work has been a stressful and my schedule has left me weary and on edge. I’m probably also dealing with a bit more depression related angst in the background than usual. To cap it off, on Thursday I had the second car accident in I’ve in three weeks. Again, it’s not the end of the world. It appears to be all superficial damage, no injuries and we’re both insured.
Even so, I really didn’t need the extra stress right now. Once I got home I really wanted to crawl into bed and cry, but I couldn’t. It probably doesn’t reflect well on my emotional health that even in private, even when I really need to, I can’t let go.
I also don’t have the easiest time asking for help with this sort of thing. I really don’t want to be a imposition, and part of me still has a hard time processing that “I’m depressed and that’s OK.” At some point in my childhood I absorbed the message that if nothing is physically wrong with you, you should quit your bitchin and get back to work.
When I’m too emotionally on edge to do anything, and yet have nothing to complain about other than how I feel, I tend to shut down a bit, I get very unproductive and anti-social. I don’t want to deal with anything, so I generally try and lose myself in fiction of one sort or another, until I’ve processed whatever’s wrong, or enough time has passed that I can deal with things and move on.
This time I did manage to ask for help. While it seems I can’t usually allow myself emotional release in the normal course of things, Tavi has been able to get me there in the past. Once I had sorted out how I was feeling, I told her that I would probably find a good breaking cathartic. She was up for it so that’s what we did Sunday night.
For whatever reason my pain tolerance is still still down from what it had been. I think it’s partially that we haven’t had as much time to play in a while, and partially just how tense/stressed I am. She worked my legs with the cane and in short order had me to the point where I used yellow (which is our intermediate safeword) I think she had to ask me if I needed it and I said yes.
From there Tavi switched to her Shinai which has a nice heft to it, and beat my ass. The thuddiness and I guess some shame or embarassement or feeling of having disappointed her by not having taken the caning better (it’s all sort of muddled in my head) got me from whimpering and teary-eyed to actual tears.
She asked me if I wanted more and I said yes, and so she gave me the crop for a while and then counted off twenty strokes on each leg to finish me off.
A good cry and some cuddling did a lot to pull me back from the edge. The rest of that evening I felt so much better. I’m still dealing with what I’m dealing with, but I feel more like I can get through it. BDSM doesn’t fix everything, but it’s nice that it can be used to help get me on track.