Submissive in Seattle



I’m not entirely certain why, but my anxiety has been pretty unbearable lately. I’ve been on a new medication, which could be throwing me for a loop, or it could be my horrible job, or more likely a combination of the two.

Anxiety is something I’ve had for a long time, but I didn’t always have a name for it. For me This illogical panicky/angry/indescribable feeling makes it hard to breath, hard to think about anything other than feeling like I need to scream or cry or freak out, unless I can distract myself.

Doesn’t that sound like fun.

So instead of cleaning my room, hunting for a job, registering for school, or even just blogging on my time off I’m liable to spend vast swaths of time  lying naked in an unmade bed watching  british sitcoms about people even more neurotic than me on youtube while playing Candy Crush on my smartphone.

This may be TMI, and it’s not really related to BDSM or male submission in any way, but it’s the reality I’m dealing with right now. Beyond just talking about my life outside of kink every now and again, I want to make it clear that people are messy. I’m messy; and if you have some fantasy of a perfect slave, sub, mistress or master that’s going to swoop in and make everything better. People come with flaws, baggage and issues that need working through.

As usual, I get to writing about this once I’m sort of through the woods, or at least on a fairly clear path. I’m feeling better the last few days, and I’ve gotten a few things done this week. I’ve written this too, anxiety-and-domesticity which is a plus. Though I still have a lot of stuff to get done in the next couple of weeks, and no small amount of concern about how I’m going to accomplish it all without breaking down.

But at least I’m feeling better

11 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. mysticlez218

    “I’m not entirely certain why, but my anxiety has been pretty unbearable lately. I’ve been on a new medication, which could be throwing me for a loop, or it could be my horrible job, or more likely a combination of the two.”

    Trust me this is something I definitely can relate to and understand. My anxiety has gotten worse from my job. I even ended up in the hospital with chest pains so bad and everything that I passed out apparently. I am on the highest dosage of medicine my doctor can put me on and it is still so bad that I feel like I could suffocate. I am around if you ever need someone who understands.


    1. Peroxide Post author

      I hate it when it gets to where I can hardly breathe from the stress of it all and people want to know why I’m not bubbly/cheerful. I don’t know how you’re still there after it put you in the hospital.

  2. PaganBoy

    I’ve fought it for years, know how hopeless it feels, and how illogical. I can’t tell you the list of the meds I went through. At the end of the day, often they’d still have me closing my door and hiding under my desk waiting for the feelings to go away.

    I’ve made tremendous strides over the past 6 months due to psychodynamic therapy. So much so that I’m off most of the meds I used to take. Here’s some stats from the American Psychological Association showing it’s at least as effective as drug treatment. .

    Just wanted to offer options…if you do decide to explore that route make sure you find a kink friendly therapist. I know there’s not much words can do, but any time you might need support, feel free to drop me a line.


    1. Peroxide Post author

      I did counseling for a few months, and it was the doctors opinion that I didn’t need therapy, I’m pretty well adjusted it’s just a chemical condition. My current doctor and i are tooling around with dosages, and I’m hoping to see some consistent improvement soon.

      1. Naga di Kandang

        I’m going to stick my nose in. Research fairly consistently shows that medication and talk therapy work best in combination. Even if it’s just a check-in session once a month to complement med management visits with a psychiatrist (preferably not a GP).

        But I’m glad you’re on an upswing!

        1. Peroxide Post author

          I’ve done talk therapy before, but really didn’t get much from it (for a number of reasons.) My GP has suggested it a few times, but I’m hesitant to expend the time and effort on something I don’t think will work.

  3. GingerNic

    I’m so sorry. It’s understandable to wait until you’re “sort of through the woods” to talk about it. Anxiety is a bit like a natural disaster: in the worst of it it can be hard to even describe what’s happening, let alone how to handle it. It’s certainly easier to handle the mess after the worst has passed.

    If the new medication is for anxiety (switching between SSRIs and DRIs for instance), the transition can be predictably difficult for several weeks. I hope you know that there are people who will (and want to) talk to you through anxiety, and it helps a lot more than the anxiety will let you believe it can at the time.

    I hope you continue to do better. Cheers,


  4. Peroxide Post author

    I tend to just weather the storm as well as I can, Any activity not essential to my survival tends to get passed over as I hunker down waiting for it to pass.

    I think (and hope) it’s getting better though.

  5. Tomio Black

    I have nothing to offer that will make it better. I understand depression on a very personal level, but I’ve only been on the outside of anxiety. I know it’s real and it’s frightening and…

    Well, I don’t have to tell you about it. You already know.

    Feel better soon.

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