I miss Tavi.
This is not unusual for me, indeed it seems I spend more time pining for her than with her. Sunday she went to a wedding, so I didn’t get to see her. Friday we had a date planned, but she got food poisoning. And the Sunday prior…
The Sunday prior was cut short because her primary partner called her fat. I don’t think he was being malicious, I think he meant it as a joke, but the careless disregard for how it would make her feel is absurd. Tavi prefers to deal with depression in solitude, so she had me go home early.
I don’t begrudge her that (Though I am rather peeved at her primary for spoiling our evening, not to mention hurting the woman I love.) It’s just been a such a long time since I’ve been with her.
Longer still since we’ve played. We both are dealing with anxiety and depression. While I want affection and distraction from my unhappy mental state, Tavi wants isolation, low key, relaxation. I think that’s what’s going on, and be supportive of that since I know *exactly* how it feels.
But I wonder if she’s less interested in me because our intimacy is hindered, in part by limits I’ve set, and in part by limits her primary has set. I worry that that’s causing a distance between us. That she doesn’t want to get hot and bothered by beating me, if she can’t consummate the feelings brought about by play.
I worry that it’s just me that can’t get a rise out of her.
And I miss her.
I miss seeing her twice a week.
I miss carrying around her marks under my clothes.
I miss her laughing at the way she made me scream.
I miss feeling her pressed against me.
I miss being kissed like she was going to tear into me right then and there.