I was going to hold off on writing on this topic until I had a new job (still working on that) cause I’m not after sympathy, I just want to discuss submissiveness and and depression.
Not that there is a connection or even a correlation between the two, but since there are 18.8 million American adults dealing with some sort of depression there must be some overlap between Submissive people and Depressed people.
For me, I’ve got a dysthymic disorder, for the most part when life is going well it just means that I have some “low” days where I’m tired, achy, and maybe just feel bad for no particular reason, some things that should be just minor annoyances bother more than they would most other people. On the other hand when life hands me set backs it hits me pretty hard. I feel like I can’t cope, and just want to curl up and die.
When I felt that it was getting serious (i.e. pervasive intrusive suicidal thoughts, which is not where I am now, don’t worry) I got help. I saw a shrink for a bit, but she determined that I don’t really need therapy, suggested medication, and making some positive life changes. I took wellbutrin for a while but never noticed any major difference (I was living at home at the time and my mother says she noticed a difference.) I’m currently not taking anything, and for the most part I’ve been doing well.
Except I’m unemployed, and feel disconnected and that triggers more low days which makes it hard for me to find a job and create a social life. This brings y’all up to speed on me, and brings us to what I actually want to talk about.
When I’m especially depressed my submissive fantasies run more towards slavery. I always kink on being owned, but usually this is a fantasy about having a loving person who cares about me and I can trust enough to let her decide what is best for me. When I’m feeling low, and at the end of my rope, unmotivated and worthless, then loving, caring and trust seem less important than just belonging to someone and having a purpose, having set tasks and not having to make decisions or take initiative.
I wouldn’t say it’s a happy thought, but it is a comforting fantasy. To be worked hard, and used for someone else’s pleasure. To have mistakes corrected with quick and definitive punishments. It’s a comforting thought, and after filling out job applications all day I find myself wishing I could just sell myself into slavery. If there was a legal option to do this, there are days where I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t.
If I pursue this idle thought and let become a daydream or fantasy, it gets more pleasant usually, being bought by a very strict woman who is satisfied with her purchase, gives me plenty to do, and well eventually some fun and sexy duties….
At the same time I worry, that since this is something I live with that when the day comes that my life is where I want it to be and I have a loving wife who likes owning my ass that I’ll still deal with these lows, and I’ll be a shitty sub because I’ll have no agency of my own and just weigh her down sometimes.
I don’t know how I react to a lover when I’m like that, whether I need gentle care or to just have the sad slapped out of me. I couldn’t communicate my needs because I’m not sure exactly what they are, but I’m sure that if my depression was interfering with the relationship it would become another thing to be depressed about… and fuck, I’m back to just wanting to be property.
Anyway, does this sound familiar to anyone else? if you are submissive and depressed, how does one effect the other?
Are there Dominants with depression? What does being depressed make you want to do?
Dominants with depressed subs I totally want to hear from you, what happens to the dynamic when they’re feeling down? how do you get the spark back?