I’ve read a few things this week, that had me thinking about “the BDSM scene” and why I’m disinterested in it. Even though I feel as if my long term happiness is dependent on finding a woman whose desires mesh with mine, I don’t really want to join the community where I know the dominant women are.
On the Edge of Vanilla there was a discussion, that got me thinking about the desirability of keeping this part of myself private. People talking about the numerous flaws in the scene, and politics and all these things that I’m not keen on dealing with, let alone having as a part of my romantic life.
A thread on Fetlife where a Male Sub, was apprehensive about attending his first munch. Which Doesn’t seem right, if the whole point of the munch is to be a casual and inviting meet-up for people in the lifestyle or whatever, shouldn’t everyone feel welcome. I totally get where the guy is coming from though, I haven’t been out to a munch yet either and part of that is because I don’t know if I’d be welcomed.
Then over on Kink in Exile, the post Towards a new expression of sexual freedom. Focusing on the same sorts of issues, How to improve the scene, How to make it open and comfortable so all the kinky people feel happy and included. Which is an admirable goal, but stresses me out cause I start to think about having to fix an entire subculture before I can find what I’m looking for, and that made me feel like this is why I don’t want to be part of the scene. It’s broken and it’s not in me to fix it. and that bothers me, and makes me a little bit grumpy.
Like, it's not my fuckin' problem, man.
But then I see, Fizz, down in the comment saying this piece of brilliance about safe spaces and it starts coming together for me.
I’m always surprised at the assumption that if they existed, everyone who does BDSM would want to be in them. By the same logic, if there were healthy and inviting public spaces for sex, everyone who has sex at all would go to those. In practice, I think those of us who are even inclined to share the details of our intimate lives with people we aren’t intimate with are a minority, and I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with that.
Now she, went on to say that there should be a better space for people who want one, and I do agree; but what got me buzzing was the idea that not wanting to share my personal life with other people who have similar inclinations was OK. That even if the Scene was open and free and welcoming to everyone, even if male submissives weren’t looked down on, and female dominants weren’t tokenized, and everything about it rocked 24/7 I still might not want to go, and that’s fine.
I didn’t know how to say it, until serendipitously I came upon Christopher Walken (or a decent impressionist) reading Where the Wild things are.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKNaYlzssbc&feature=youtu.be]
I was delighting in a childhood favorite as read by a masterful narrator when, it clicked for me. After Max has been king of the wild things for a while, and had a wild rumpus he becomes homesick, and what he wanted to be where someone loved him best of all.
That’s exactly how I feel about it. While It’d be cool to be out amongst other “wild things,” even if I felt at ease out there in the public BDSM scene, what I want is to be where someone loves me best of all. The other stuff, the play and the trappings of D/s are all appealing, as is a community at times, but I don’t just want to be part of a wild rumpus. I want to be loved.
Sure, I want to be tied up, and hurt and teased and all that wild stuff, but mostly I want to be loved.
Hi,
I agree without any reservations. Though Em and I sometimes party and often invite others into our personal space, we are essentially a loving couple who are at our best, most intimate, kinky, and vanilla(-ish) when we are at home by ourselves. It’s sometimes fun to get out but often we leave early because we have better things to do.
Love makes all the difference. Kinky play with deep and abiding love is way better than casual play with even good friends and acquaintances, much less relative strangers.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
Scott,
See, and that’s close to what I want. Except, I am really disinterested in non-monogamy, and so parties and events don’t seem appealing. While I’m curious sometimes about maybe hitting a munch, and at least seeing what other people who have identified these desires are like, it seems like such a hassle.
Thanks for reading,
Peroxide
Hi again Peroxide,
Em and I like to take those “Wild Thing” jaunts out into the world – and usually it’s fun – but it’s always the reconnect we have later that reaffirms how much we mean to each other.
Most people want and need abiding love with a significant other or others. Em and I have been very fortunate to have found each other and to have been able to maintain our happiness over our twenty years together.
As a couple, we worked out what suited us in terms of BDSM over the years. I wouldn’t expect any other couple to do it our way. It’s a very personal thing. We are very lucky to be so compatible.
Regarding the public scene, I suppose I was first drawn to it in hopes of finding love. I did find a few mentors and friends but Em and I actually met outside of that arena and have never been too engulfed in it. There are aspects to it other than the politico-social ones that have as well put us off through the years.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse
“People talking about the numerous flaws in the scene, and politics and all these things that I’m not keen on dealing with………..” Oh that’s ok. U don’t need to. We have characters like maymay for that.
“………………I don’t really want to join the community where I know the dominant women are.” No worries. There r not so many there.
“…………..what I want is to be where someone loves me best of all. ” Yes of cors. One on one? A threesome? Four? Multiple?
And then……….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_U6mWu1XQA
Ayesha,
I’m not sure exactly what your motivation is, but you have a tendency to comment as if the person or people you’re addressing are completely naive. As a writer yourself I’m sure you know that sometimes to give a post context or to make it read smoothly sometimes you must apply a little rhetoric, ask questions to which you already know the answer, or state the obvious.
When you come in and address these narrative flourishes, it makes it seem as if you may have missed the actual point of the post. For example, here I am writing about an epiphany I had, that I felt other people with whom I have certain things in common with (such as other religious kinksters, or private submissives) might benefit from reading.
I was not addressing the value of sexual activism, Which I do appreciate that people like Maymay are putting effort into, though I may not have the patience for it. Nor was I, addressing the supposed lack of dominant women in “the scene,” ( though anecdotally I hear that the ratio of Femdoms to submales that actually attend events is often the opposite of what everyone says because submissive men do not feel like they will be welcomed.)
And finally, if you do not know what love is, please consult a dictionary. If you think it’s a crock, just a load of hormones ones body produces as an evolutionary incentive to create and raise offspring, that has been hijacked by popular culture in order to sell chocolates and shiny rocks, or something like that, you are more than welcome to your opinion. But, you ought to be able to tell by the context in which I use the word, what I think love is.
This act you do, where you’re so above our human moralities and concerns, where if only we were less concerned with everybody else in the vanilla world, if we were really serious about making our fantasies a reality we would just drop anything that’s holding us back; It doesn’t seem superior, it seems naive and foolish. It doesn’t sound especially dominant, it sounds foolish and lonely.
If you have something to contribute to the conversation you’re welcome here. If not, I’m not buying what you’re selling so please keep it on your own turf.
Yeah that must be me, the naïve, foolish, and lonely one, far above human moralities and concerns, and completely missing the actual points of posts i’m commenting on. Just delete my nonsense Peroxide. No need to waste ur energy on my crap here.
My own turf? But of cors. U should go there during a lost moment or so. No, no, no, not to buy anything, as i’m not selling, but to learn something extra about love, femdom, commitment, pain, humor, and yes……..a few wild things. Might help to lose some of ur assumptions about me. But maybe u don’t want that either, and r disinterested in that as well? Be that as it may, here’s a taste regarding love:
http://ayeshafonseca.blogspot.com/2009/10/faces-of-lovethe-faceless-one.html
Oh come off it. I clearly said when you say these things it sounds this way. Not you are, or you must be, just that this is the impression you are giving. I’m sure you’re a perfectly intelligent and fully actualized human being, but I don’t want to have the same discussions about rhetoric every time I post about something you take exception to.
Huh? Impressions i am giving? I think it would be more accurate to say, it’s ur interpretation of my words. Read one or 2 books by Paul Watzlawick (or my blogs on this phenomenon), and u will be enlightened 🙂
“……you take exception to.”? See? That’s one example of the above, as i was only supporting u, hehe.
“……I don’t want to have the same discussions about rhetoric………..” Well, just in case that would happen, don’t have them.
For me, Fizz has absolutely hit the nail on the head.
There are those for whom BDSM is a social activity, and those for whom it is not. I have never met a partner ‘out in the community’, and I’d go so far as to say that those who are ‘out there’ and love all that are a poor match for me because the simple fact that it’s their thing means that we have fundamentally different approaches to BDSM.
In short, the wild rumpus is not for me either. I’d much rather be at home with my sweetie.
Ferns
There are things about the scene that are appealing and it might be nice to actually meet people who are into BDSM, for the most part I know it’s never going to be my thing either.
In a nutshell, I have no real urge to hang out in munches and do the scene thing simply because I don’t want to pick company on the basis of my sexual habits – something which is between my hub and I. Even if I was single, I still wouldn’t be seen out and about, theatrically dressed and beating random subs in displays of extrovert exhibtionism. Maymay has a tendency to want to make political captial out of it all – my view is that this exuberant activism can be every bit as devisive as prejudice and ignorance in its own way. Go or don’t go – but dont let anyone make you feel angst either way.
“Go or don’t go – but dont let anyone make you feel angst either way.”
I suppose you’re right about that, It’s been bothering me that I didn’t want to hit the scene, and that I didn’t have the drive to get out there and fix it.
I still hope the public perception of BDSM can be changed, and I will be trying to help do what I can.
Can you elaborate on what you mean by this, Celtic Queen? I’m genuinely curious and I don’t actually understand what you mean, but I want to. This thread interests me. Thanks in advance, regardless the outcome.
Also, Peroxide, for what it’s worth, I thought this was a fantastic post. I wish I had more energy to contribute to this discussion. Perhaps later. I haven’t the stamina tonight.
“To contribute to the conversation” around these parts means saying the same as everybody else, just with different words.
Bingo, that’s exactly what I meant.
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I am happy to clarify Maymay and can do so by using your own words left on Thumpers blog a while back..
“You are political whether you like it or not. …
If you want to treat your sex life as wholly personal and not the least bit political, then you can not blog publicly. Otherwise, and I’m not sorry about this, you can’t have it both ways.”
My view is that taking this line about folk blogging happily and openly about their lives is every bit as pernicious as censure in its own way and goes exactly to the heart of what Peroxide is saying. Why should he feel like HAS to join some BDSM scene and wave some flag about it all?
I would be absolutely bloody enraged if someone took my freely expressed views from my own blog to add extra inches to their femocracy soapbox. Worse, it may put young, articulate bloggers like Peroxide off from expressing their honest views in the first place. Social inclusion and evolution will happen at its usual glacial speed – forceful activism can harm that process by making newcomers feel that there is some perscribed form that they need to conform to – not to mention polarise views that would be otherwise quite neutral. As a parallel, look at the negative connotations now attached to the term “feminism” as an illustration that something precious and vital can get subverted by fundementalism. I enjoy a lot of your writing Maymay – you are passionately articulate and concerned but the quote from you as stated above made me really angry in what I perceve to be it’s closed mindedness. I can get that shit from the world at large who would no doubt have lots of say about the way I run my marriage.
Anway, enough of hogging Peroxide’s blog on this – to re iterate – you don’t HAVE to join the scene or wear any T shirts or in Peroxide’s own words “fix it” – unless you want to. And that’s cool too but make it YOUR choice to do so.
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