In which I solicit your input and then inflict unsolicited advice in return!
I’ve got this idea that I’m working on to write out a bit of a guide to finding a male-sub partner, but I’m still collecting information, and trying to put together something that is more helpful than Submissive in Seattle presents: Peroxide’s guide to attracting Peroxide and also isn’t just a patronizing list of what dominant women must be doing wrong if they haven’t yet acquired the slaveboy of their dreams.
I could totally use some help with this, I’ve put out the call on Reddit, Twitter and Tumblr for input from other Male submissives on where they can be found, and how they can be attracted, And I want to hear from dominant women too, especially regarding what they have found most difficult in finding a submissive partner.
So if you’re reading this and have any experience or input on this project I’d love to hear from you!
I’ve had some ideas for a post of unsolicited advice on finding oneself a dominant part for sometime, but I wanted to actually be doing some D/s before I claimed I had all the answers, or really any answers. What I want to stress is that totally awesome submissive men are a much hotter commodity than you’ve been lead to believe. (But that doesn’t negate your responsibility to be totally awesome)
For the most part everything I would like to say here, has probably been said elsewhere (Like those links two paragraphs ago) so don’t just take my advice, go forth and read up, if you’re newly kinky/submissive take the time to read lots and lots of good, intelligent, non-fantasy writing on the subject of Kink/BDSM/dominance and submission before you go chasing after a relationship dynamic that you don’t yet fully understand.
A D/s relationship is just that, a relationship and a dominant partner is just a partner. If you can’t manage a relationship or if you don’t know how to attract a vanilla partner then you are going to have a hell of a time finding a kinky partner and establishing a more complicated relationship.
David Wong published an article in December which I think is an excellent kick in the pants for anyone struggling to figure out why life hasn’t just handed them their ideal relationship on a silver platter. The gist is that people, everyone, cares about what you can give them, what needs of theirs you can fill. that’s true for jobs, that’s true for relationships.
If the only thing you bring to the table in a D/s relationship is that you are willing to submit, you’re not going to stand out. There are tons of willing submissives out there, So before you go on some kink forum complaining about how hard it is to find a dominant partner make sure that you’re worth dominating.
How can you make yourself worth dominating? I think a good place to start is to find out what dominants actually want. Not porn dominants, not fake/fictional dominants, but real people that identify as dominant.
Dishevelled Domina did a great series of interviews with Dominant Identified women, Lipstick and Ligature just posted What dominant women want. If you are a submissive man these are bright, shining, neon instructions on how make yourself a desirable partner for the sort of woman you desire.
The other really big thing that I don’t see discussed a lot in regards to the seeking kinkster, is introspection.
You really need to take some time to figure out what makes yourself tick so that you can give honest, thoughtful and useful information to potential partners about what interested in pursuing. You want to make sure that you aren’t wasting someone’s time (including your own) talking up fantasies that you have no intention of seeing through. And you don’t want to present yourself as looking for something you are not actually interested in.
Sure, You might get lucky and fall into a relationship that suits you well, but you’re going to be much better prepared to build a relationship if you know what actually drives you and what you really are looking for. Submission isn’t just a sexy walk in the park, If you’re sure you want it, it’s going to be a lot of work.
It’s worth it though.