There are a lot of posts, guides, lists, and how-tos floating around online telling submissive men how to find themselves a dominant woman. And there are lots of guides available on how to go about dominating a submissive man. But I’ve noticed a distinct lack of guidance and advice specifically for dominant identified women looking for a submissive male partner.
At the same time, I’ve noticed that there are plenty of women who identify as dominant (or tops, or switches-looking-to-dominate) who are having difficulty finding an awesome submissive male partner. Since I’d love for everyone who wants to have a F/m relationship be able to find one, I decided to put this guide together. I gathered input from several dominant identified women and a few dozen submissive identified men on what is hard about finding a submissive guy, and where the submissive guys are and how to best connect with them.
I trust I don’t have to do a bunch of patronising hand-holding talk about how we’re all just people and you just need to get out there and meet everybody until you find someone who “clicks.” Although that is a point several of my respondents made. Submissive men are just men who respond well to dominance and you might find us anywhere, if you know how to look.
- Finding a Submissive Man
If you want to meet a vanilla-submissive man, (or a sub guy who shares your interests) then whenever you go out you could try flavoring your flirting with a little D/s. It may take practice and it might not always go over well, but guys who don’t appreciate the woman that they’re flirting with tugging on the reins a little probably aren’t interested in handing them over in a relationship or in the bedroom.
If you want a man who identifies as submissive, or a play partner, or someone who is kink compatible to play with you’re of course going to have better luck looking in places that are focused on that aspect of things. Most of the guys who responded had fetlife accounts. I noticed that guys who are looking for casual play tend to be more likely to attend munches and BDSM events.
The guys who seem to be more reserved about submitting outside of a dating-type relationship were more likely to mention their OKCupid accounts, which with strong filtering and careful observation may be the best place to find a kink-compatible partner online. (Although it ‘s been pointed out to me that OKCupid is public and indexed by google, so anyone can stumble upon what you put there.) Others mentioned Collarme, and Craigslist, though no one was singing the praises of either. The point is “we’re out there.”
- Meeting and Connecting with a Submissive Man
Most of the guys who responded said that they would react favorably to polite contact from a domme, both online and off. However the rarity of this occurrence was also mentioned. I had one guy mention that:
“most of the single dommes I’m friends with never really take an active role in seeking out a sub they like, even when I refer them to really cute & likeable friends of mine; they just put up a wall of expectations and then a lot of waiting…”
My advice, based on what would work on me, and how a couple of the guys mentioned they met their SO’s is Initiate contact.
From the talk online, it seems that once a woman declares that she is dominant she can expect to have her inbox crammed full of propositions constantly from that moment on. Also, those propositions are terrible. It’s seems like most guys figure out that submission turns them on sexually first, and many never really get past that point.
If you’re online, just delete spammy/wankery/thoughtless messages. Don’t give them any more energy than that, no feedback positive or negative. Spend your time looking for guys who spark your interest and message them instead. Positive contact that shows interest in him as a person is enough to send a lot of submissive guys over the moon.
Out at events and munches, the same tactics can be employed. This is how Tavi snagged me by the way: at a geeky-game themed munch she was setting up a game I enjoy, she invited me to play and offered me a seat next to her. We talked, I noticed some frisson and was hoping to see her again. I may have waited til the next munch, but she messaged me the next day and asked if I’d be interested in hanging out or playing sometime. She told me I was cute. I was hooked. It was that simple.
Some D/s flirting is encouraged, but make sure that you take the time to show some interest in a guy as a person first, gauge they’re interested before trying to push any buttons. I wish I didn’t have to mention that, but several respondents mentioned their experiences with dommes who started a conversation by talking down to them. I trust everyone reading this should know better, but is seems to happen often enough that it needs to be said: Don’t expect submission from someone you don’t have a relationship with.
- Attracting a Submissive Man
When it comes to attracting submissive men, confidence is important. It takes confidence to lead, and guys looking for someone to lead them, either through a scene or through a long-term relationship, will notice that first. It may be the case that you can fake it til you make it, but being able to display confidence makes a strong first impression.
Many guys mentioned intelligence when asked what makes them want to meet with a domme, and I agree. Not only is intelligence sexy as hell, but before I’m going to let someone tell me what to do I want to know that their decision making skills are up to snuff.
Kindness, politeness and affection were also often mentioned. Everyone wants to be cared for, and submissive men are no exception. It is especially important to know that if you’re going to make yourself vulnerable to someone that she’s not going to break you, or that at the very least, she’ll put you back together afterwards.
- Addressing the Hard Parts
When it comes to the things that are difficult about finding a submissive man, I don’t have easy answers. The first thing Ferns had to say to me on the subject was this:
To me, it’s not even really about ‘finding a male-sub partner’, it’s ‘finding a partner who I can love and adore, and who is submissive’.
That’s a major difficulty that everyone looking for a long-term relationship with kink compatibility is going to have to deal with. Even people who are looking for something as low key as a regular play partner or just someone to scene with for the evening, are likely to have more in mind than someone who only ticks the boxes for preferred gender and role.
Finding a partner is hard, and the more qualifiers you add the harder it is. When you plot out everything you want in a partner, or even just the things you need it may seem unrealistic to hope than anyone could possibly match the description. But there are some seven billion people on the planet and each one of them is growing and changing every day.
- There aren’t enough male subs in the scene, or they’re too shy.
The scene can be pretty toxic to male submissives (well a lot of people really, but the point I’m making is about male submissives.) Understand for a moment that for a man to identify as sexually submissive means disengaging from “the man box,” it means that a lot of the cultural lessons he learned about how to “be a man” and how to interact with women no longer fit quite right. It means that the things men are taught to take pride in and gain confidence from may be unappealing.
This is going to lead to self-consciousness, and while not all submissives are introverts, the scene and it’s disapproval (or perceived disapproval) and shaming of male-subs can be enough to make even the extroverted among us think twice about showing up.
If you want submissive men in your scene, they need to feel welcome. That might mean organising a Femdom munch, that might mean inviting them out personally. If you’re active online and you see a promising submissive man in your area, invite him to an event. Even if you don’t click, he might be right for the domme next to you.
Even after I knew I was kinky, I didn’t go to any events until a dominant woman invited me to. Even after that, I didn’t keep going while I was sharing a house with guys who I knew would shame me for being submissive. And I’m still not active in my local scene because the cost of being in that environment isn’t worth it while I have a partner.
When the submissive (or possible-submissive) you do see in your scene is too shy, one of you needs to break the ice. You may be able to do that with clear and unambiguous body language, but chances are you’re going to have to buck up and initiate contact yourself. It may take guys a while to learn that Submission is not passive, in the meantime you can expedite things by taking them in hand (figuratively until you’ve got their consent of course.)
I am not saying that D-types need to initiate everything, I’m saying that waiting for the cute submissive boy in the corner to work up the guts to come talk to you is a waste of both your time. (However, if you are the cute submissive boy in the corner, waiting for the smoldering domme by the bar to come talk to you is a waste of both your time.)
- Submissive Men don’t know how to Behave
I don’t know what it is exactly, but I hear reports that a lot of guys identifying as submissive who do make it to the scene are not the courteous and accommodating gentlemen they should be. I’ve mentioned that I think all the spammers and wankers online should just be ignored, or reported to mods as need be, but it’s harder to do that in person.
It’s probably the influence of porn, I guess. I don’t know how you could get all the way from realizing that femdommy smut gets you off to going to a real life meet-up with out realizing that you’re going to be meeting with fully-actualized human beings. But I haven’t any other explanation from some of the behavior I’ve heard about.
The only thing to do is try to educate, simply and using small words. I suppose what needs to happen is they need to think about female dominance in a way that doesn’t send all the blood rushing from their brains.
It is my sincere hope that this post will prove helpful to someone reading this. Finding someone you can have a relationship with and making it work is one of the more difficult parts of life. It’s frustrating when you realize that so much of the relationship paradigms you grew up with aren’t going to work for you and you have to sort everything out on your own.
I’ve done my best to put this together so that readers have a roadmap to work with (even if it is scrawled haphazardly on a cocktail napkin.) If you have any questions, or ever want to pick the brain of a submissive identified man you can comment here or email me: CaptnPeroxide@gmail.com
I want to thank everyone who answered my queries, emailed me their experiences and helped me edit this, and I should point out that of any short comings this post has is my fault not theirs. Best of luck to everyone trying to make their BDSM love story come true.