Submissive in Seattle

Depression bites

Depression bites

I’ve been depressed the past few weeks. I’m having what I tend to think of as a low period, which for me is usually a couple of weeks of intensely negative feelings, lethargy, weariness maybe some aches and pains. I’m fairly certain it’s coming towards a close, or at least a middle, since I’m able to bring myself to talk about it.

I’ve written about my depression before, in the last year it hasn’t bothered me much, a few low periods, some just low days, but for the most part things have been pretty decent. Honestly I shouldn’t even be depressed right now, I got a positive review at work, a raise, and a promotion. Nothing is grievously wrong in my life, my only complaint is that I don’t get to spend as much time with my ridiculously hot dominant girlfriend as I’d like (and since I’d like all the time, that’s an unrealistic desire.)

Part of me would rather just be hung up in the closet when she wasn’t using me, rather than having to go out an be a functioning adult.

I feel like depression been kicking my ass this last couple weeks. It’s like negative thoughts and feelings, all my worst fears just crash into me over and over again and I can’t think of anything else. I’ve even felt hot tears welling up in my throat, but I haven’t let myself cry. (Perhaps you’d think I’d have gotten over that hurdle but I haven’t, not completely.)

I told Tavi about it yesterday, and that I’d be slacking at the gym. She ordered me to go, and assigned an extra workout for this weekend. That helps, direct and immediate orders supersede my lethargy and get me to do things that I might otherwise put off.

I don’t think it would be wise or feasible to abdicate my personal responsibility to her obviously, still I think having a dominant to obey is why I went to the gym this week and cooked my meals instead of spending all my free time in bed ordering delivery when I got too hungry to forgo human interaction any longer.

It certainly doesn't help matters that I have to keep my level of enthusiam at work at 3.6 Chotchkies at all times.

It certainly doesn’t help matters that at work I have to keep my level of enthusiasm at work at 3.6 Chotchkies at all times.

As I said, I think I’m back on an upswing, or should be soon. I may have to force myself to do something social this weekend to get back to happy, or at least normal.

12 thoughts on “Depression bites

  1. gingernic

    Depression has nothing to do with how you should or shouldn’t feel. It can hit when there’s nothing tangible going wrong at all or pass you by in a crisis. Neurochemistry doesn’t care about logic.

    It’s not abdication of responsibility to look to your ridiculously fantastic girlfriend for support. Talking about your feelings, identifying something tangible and within your control that’s been off track (the gym), and getting motivated to get back on track is a really good way to stave off depressive feedback loops. So good for you. I hope the low period ends quickly.

    1. Peroxide

      “Depression has nothing to do with how you should or shouldn’t feel. It can hit when there’s nothing tangible going wrong at all or pass you by in a crisis. Neurochemistry doesn’t care about logic.

      Oh I know, I have been managing this since I was a teenager, I just wanted to elucidate that there was nothing in particular wrong, especially since often for me low periods are triggered by something shitty.

      It’s not abdication of responsibility to look to your ridiculously fantastic girlfriend for support. Talking about your feelings, identifying something tangible and within your control that’s been off track (the gym), and getting motivated to get back on track is a really good way to stave off depressive feedback loops.

      It kind of feels selfish, (not my current course of action, but my desire to just give up and hand over all my responsibilities to her.)

      She’s got a lot going on right now, and if I were less considerate about it I could see myself leaning too heavily on her. The way it’s worked out, is a little support and a little push from her have helped, and I think I’m working out of this depressive feedback loop.

      good for you. I hope the low period ends quickly.

      Thanks, I think I’m getting there. Today was shitty, this evening was better, hopefully the weekend brings me back to some normalcy.

  2. Tomio Hall-Black

    The worst thing, for me, about depression is that it tends to strike exactly when nothing is going wrong. It makes it difficult to explain to people – especially those who want to help and ask, “Why?” There is no rational answer to that question, because depression is not a rational response to life.

    What makes it so bad for me is that, as much as I hate it, the depression is like a warm, dark cave. It hurts, but it is safe. So, in a perverse way, I don’t want it to end. When I get to a place where I can start making a list of things I want to get done; then I know that I’m getting past this latest episode. It helps to get back into a regular routine, but it is a struggle to do so. Sometimes just emptying the dishwasher seems like a Herculean effort. From the outside, I fear it simply looks lazy. From the inside, it is much more complex.

    I think reaching out for help is the right thing to do. Just make sure she understands as much as you can explain, enough to know that one weekend at the gym is possibly as much the end of the beginning as it is the beginning of the end.

    1. Peroxide

      I don’t know, for me really bad periods often seem to be triggered by something, and they really aren’t even about that thing, which may be just a minor disappointment,

      I don’t like anything about my depression, but often to cope with it I fall back on laziness and comfort and escapism, trying to spend as much of my time outside of my head with it’s unpleasant thoughts, and instead far away in some work of fiction.

      I’m communicating what I can, but I think it will work out best for us if I try and take care of as much of it on my own as I can. Gym going, and a few other orders are a good start. I’m forcing myself out to some social events this weekend, so I should be better soonish.

  3. Neophyte

    I hope you’re able to get out of it quickly. I’m grateful that I’ve never had to deal with depression (at least not in the clinical sense). It isn’t unheard of for me to spend a week or two feeling down, but it has always been attached to identifiable reasons: work stress, finances, heartbreak, etc. That’s hard enough. I can’t imagine how bad it would feel to be down without something identifiable to point to as the issue.

  4. lipstickandligature

    Ugh. So sorry to hear you’re feeling this way Peroxide. Here’s hoping you’ll be out of it soon. You will be, I hope. These things move like the weather; just as you can feel the storm building, so too can you feel it start to go away. I know that’s not wildly helpful, but **hugs** Feel better soon.

    1. Peroxide

      I always kind of ignore the signs until it’s too late. I feel like for the last year having a strong gym routine has really helped, because I started skipping a few times in the past week, and that should have keyed me onto the fact that I wasn’t feeling alright.

      Anyway I went out and was plenty social yesterday, and I did a couple of brutal hours at the gym today. I think I’m as good as I’m going to be until I see Tavi again.

  5. Pingback: A new Leash on life | Submissive in Seattle

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