The struggle to make male submission an accepted expression of sexuality is obviously just one teeny-tiny part of a larger struggle for the freedom of sexual expression everywhere.
It’s one of those instances, where I figure one should lead, follow or get out of the way. I very much appreciate the efforts of those leading, but given my inexperience, and personal situation I had settled for the most part on getting out of the way. I’m not looking to make a huge scene, or put forth grandiose statement. I just want to make sure that the things I say and do don’t make the world a harder place to have a F/m relationship in, and hopefully someday make it happen for me.
So I had this Conversation on reddit the other day. The initial post was a woman interested in being a dominant looking for some pointers. I made the comment that “there is a dearth of solid, realistic advice for female dominants and male submissives on the surface of most communities of BDSMers” and then linked her to some of my favorite blogs, that I thought would be useful either for beginners or for perspective.
The conversation that followed however was eye-opening for me. Basically, this Male-dom fellow wanted to know why I thought there was so little good information available. His responses, though cordial, reminded me that a large portion of the BDSM community never got the memo on the devaluation of male submission, and generally don’t see this as a problem.
DEV’s post was written just after I began to look into this side of myself, by the time I was regularly reading various Domme blogs this was already a common and well discussed issue. DD, interviewed me because she wanted to give malesubs a voice. Right from the get go for me I was able to surround myself with people talking about issues that could affect me and how to resolve them. It didn’t really occur to me that this wasn’t a revolution affecting the wider BDSM scene in the same way.
I anticipate having to change one person’s perception of BDSM, of male submission especially, someday. I just never saw myself in a position to to affect the ideas held by the rest of the people out there. At least not people who weren’t predisposed to agree with me. But I feel like after the back and forth on reddit that maybe the chap I was talking too (who for unknown reasons, seems to have deleted his account) changed his perspective a little.
However his parting suggestion was that perhaps separate subreddit’s might make it easier for femdoms and malesubs to exchange ideas without their voices being drowned out by the M/f majority. Which could be possible, there is a subreddit for femdom, but it is mostly in my opinion nonconstructive fantasy material and wanking. In my estimation a useful F/m community takes a great deal of moderation and a user base dedicated to having real discussion because as I said, submission is a common yet taboo fantasy for men, and so it is frequently relegated to online interaction, and the fantasy material will always get more attention.
Beyond that, segregating the dialogue is I think a big part of the problem, it means that participants in the M/f portion of community never see what it is that makes people in the F/m dynamic tick, they never get to see how their fellow BDSMers are being hurt by toxic attitudes about their gender and role. It means that neither community would get the benefit of advice, observations or experience from the other.
I guess what I realize is that by having a less common viewpoint, I have more responsibility to express it not less, or it may never be heard. I need to go to bat for other malesubs whenever I can because things aren’t going to get better on their own.