Submissive in Seattle

Let’s play “Who’s got it the hardest?”

Let’s play “Who’s got it the hardest?”

Ok, let’s not, since that’s a game that is bound to end in tears and recriminations. Life, dating and relationships are pretty rough for most everyone, and if you’ve got it easy, well then I secretly hate you.

I’m thinking specifically of something a woman identifying as submissive said the other evening. It was along the lines of how difficult it was when her vanilla friends asked her what kind of man she was looking for, and she had to dance around the fact that she wanted a Dom, by couching it in acceptable terms, “Oh I want a guy that likes to take charge” that sort of thing.

I thought if only I could be that straight-forward about it. To be honest and say that I want a smart, funny, Christian woman who wants to own my ass, and inflict all manner of exquisite tortures upon my flesh is right out, but  when my friends inquire as to what I’m looking for in a woman, neither is it acceptable for me to say simply that I want a woman who will take charge. Incidentally, I usually go with “I want a woman who reads books,” since that is also an accurate description.

someone a little like this.


I’m sure it isn’t easy for anyone who can not speak freely of their desires, or personal life to those around them. It sure bugs the hell out of me.

I can only imagine that it will only get harder when I’m trying to conceal bruises from a good nights fun, or if I’m walking with an extra bounce in my step because a ginger switch wants to meet me to discuss maybe getting together for a bit of play. What am I supposed to say? People are sure to get upset if I start responding to all inquiries with “It’s none of your fucking business.”

On a related note, I’m slated to go to a play party this Friday, and I may end up with my back all marked up, and then on Saturday I think I’m going to a vanilla Halloween party, and I need to think of a good, cheap costume that will cover up any evidence of Friday’s fun. I was thinking I’d try  doing risky business, but I wasn’t expecting to go platinum blonde.

I’d love to go as Bionic Barry from Archer, but red tracksuits are proving to be hard to find, and expensive as hell. So any suggestions? I will certainly be posting pics if I get a good one.


Of course I wouldn’t wear a shirt under that, it would ruin the whole tracksuit vibe.

14 thoughts on “Let’s play “Who’s got it the hardest?”

  1. Ferns

    “if I’m walking with an extra bounce in my step because a ginger switch wants to meet me to discuss maybe getting together for a bit of play.”

    “I’m slated to go to a play party this Friday, and I may end up with my back all marked up”

    Awww, you’ve got it so hard. Poor you!!

    I’m partial to this for a covered-up men’s costume:

    All you need is some dark ‘normal’ clothes and some reflective fluoro strips. Cute hat from a dollar store I’m sure.


    PS I know I didn’t actually address the crux of your post, but I am already procrastinating on going to the gym, and an actual thoughtful response would be a nice excuse for me…

  2. Neophyte

    I’ve given some thought to how I would respond to any questions. During the winter, I routinely play pickup basketball. It might be a bit odd to end up on the skins team if my chest and shoulders are covered in bite marks. Four easy words: “a gentleman never tells.” It has the same purpose as “it’s none of your fucking business,” but is much more courteous.

    1. Peroxide

      I’m planning on being very intentional about keeping covered up if/when I’ve got bruises to hide. I figure that is the best way to avoid arousing curiosity.

      But the only response to inquiry I’ve got prepared as it were is “Do you really want to know?” Of course, if they say yes, I’ve got nothing, so perhaps “a gentleman never tells” is better.

  3. Downlow

    How about: “I’m looking for an independent woman. A woman who knows herself and knows what she wants. A woman with confidence, a backbone, and who won’t back down from fight. The kind of woman that car salesman fear.”

    Or you can tell your friends that you can find your own women, thank you very much. Then go to munches, fetish events, bdsm classes and other places where kinky women hang out. Be friendly and polite and a general asset to the kinky community. Over time, you will find what and who you are looking for.

    Or you can visit a pro domme and be the ideal client. If you can be a great guy who is pleasant and obvious dateing material. Repeat several times. Once you have established a bit of a friendly relationship, tell them you are looking for a woman to date who is dominant, but also has other attributes that you seek. Ask if they know anyone. Then drop it. People know people, if she likes you and thinks you are a good guy, and if she knows of a woman who is looking, then she will hook you up.

    1. Peroxide

      I really don’t have any intention of letting my friends play match maker for me, I just want to be able to engage in conversation about relationships. I don’t like that I can’t be open and honest about what I want, and since I can’t be open about it, I wish there was an easier way to deflect such questions without making anyone curious.

      As to the business of finding myself a D-type woman, I’m not quite sure that everything I’m looking for in a partner can be found in the scene. (And I am quite certain that I don’t need to be visiting a pro-domme, thank you very much.)

  4. Nic

    I can’t help thinking of that song from Mulan (a girl worth fighting for): all the soldiers list different traits they’d like in a woman, but when Mulan suggests “a girl who’s got a brain, who always speaks her mind,” nope, that’s ridiculous. The biggest problem with this is that cultural norms still frown upon this sort of girl, so a number of women who would prefer to be more assertive bury that impulse to better fit in.

    Before the move, I had a small group of vanilla friends, two of whom were co-workers, who knew I was in an open relationship and into BDSM. (it seemed wise to have some friends meet/vet the dominant woman I was so smitten with). One night last summer, said lovely woman left me with a swath of continuous bruise from collarbone to elbow. It was over 100 degrees outside; no chance of wearing long sleeves and scarves to cover up. So I went to work knowing there were going to be questions, and not knowing how to answer them. Sure enough, within minutes a colleague asked about the marks. My friend stepped up and said “She’s seeing a personal trainer. That woman is BRUTAL.” Amazingly (especially considering the giggle fits that followed), that was the end of questions, with no lies told. So it is possible to talk around, barring unmistakable cane marks in bathing suit season and such.

    As for explaining “an extra bounce in my step because a ginger switch wants to meet me to discuss maybe getting together for a bit of play,” what’s wrong with “I have a date with a pretty girl?”

    1. Peroxide

      I totally have “I’ll make a man out of you” on my workout station. But yeah, my fairly small problem is just a symptom of the way our culture devalues intelligent and assertive women.

      Having been continuously single for some time now, saying that I’ve got a date is no way for me to diffuse curiosity.

  5. nevermore314

    I guess I’m just blunt and not very nice. haha. I’m pretty closemouthed about my personal life, for the most part. So of course when there’s evidence that I’ve gotten closer than three feet away from another person, there’s rampant curiosity. Personally, I use sarcasm or any other number of evasive statements: “Use your imagination.” “Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking.” “I walked into a door” “What’s it to you?”

    As for what you’re looking for, couldn’t you just say you’re looking for a smart, funny, Christian woman? I know that you want to be more open, but the only thing I can really suggest for that is not caring what anyone will think about your fully honest answer. And that, of course, is easier said than done more often than not.

    1. Peroxide

      Yeah, I don’t talk about my personal life at all, I sometimes want to share, particularly if I’m excited about something, but I don’t.

      I sort of figure, that if something comes up, and I am asked directly about something kink related, I will probably suggest that they not ask questions to which they don’t want to know the answers, and then be fairly blunt, and honest. However, I’m not sure whether I’m scared of that happening, or if I want it to.

      1. nevermore314

        I understand. I’m semi-discretionary for myself..I don’t bring it up, but I don’t go out of my way to hide it either. Most of the people in my social circle are into some degree of kink. Also, between my ex husband outing me to some mutual friends and the fact that I live in a really small area, I figure it’s just a matter of time before someone connects the dots. What they choose to do with that information is up to them. I’m already a strange one, what’s one more thing, really?

  6. Rougemarie

    In my circles, it’s 100% okay to be gay, but to be kinky… well, that’s a different story. I’ve had the odd experience of feeling more closeted about my sexual orientation as a mostly-straight person than I did as a mostly-gay person.

    There are subtle ways I might hint at it – like I’ll make the comment that in most heterosexual relationships I see there’s an unspoken assumption that the man will do the lion’s share of providing and protecting, and that I want my relationship to have a different dynamic where my partner is comfortable with my strength and strong will. It’s enough to make people realise I’m nobody’s little girl but not really enough to signal kink. It comes up more in jokes I guess – woman on top, crack that whip, teach him who’s boss etc.

    I think it’s different for a domme and a submissive male though. Harder for a submissive male. I can get away with a few oblique comments and jokes, mostly because a lot of people don’t take female sexuality and / or power seriously. But for a guy to say anything that indicates he might be interested in giving up the position of power most men occupy by default – it’s inconsistent with most people’s idea of what a ‘real man’ is – and that raises hackles pretty quickly, I think.

    1. Peroxide

      That’s interesting to me, that kink should still mistrusted even in progressive circles.

      I might make very oblique references (and jokes) on occasion to my kink, but that is mostly just a failure to self censor on my part.

      I think you are correct that a lot of people do/would have more of a problem with the implications of a submissive man than those of a dominate woman. It seems to be *weirder* for people, harder to deal with.

      1. Rougemarie

        I think it’s because kink is seen more as a behaviour than an orientation, more of a (bizarre) sexual practice than another way of loving, so there is less acceptance. Or who knows – my friends could all be kinking away and just not open about it with me!

        I don’t want to go shoving my kink in somebody’s face but it is so frustrating to feel like I’d make people uncomfortable just by articulating my orientation. Ah well.

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