I’ve strayed quite a ways from the path I thought I would be walking at the beginning of my twenties. I suppose none of us remain who we think we are for long. Life is a journey that changes us in increments.
I’m not dismayed by the change, indeed; I like me better now than I did then (for any given value of then.) I am, however, at a point where I’m holding onto something that no longer makes sense.
Sex. Or the lack thereof.
(If you are a new reader, or if you’ve forgotten, I’m a virgin.)
I self-identify as a virgin, for what it’s worth, because I haven’t had “the sex.” The sexy sex that resides inside the box of what “sex” really is in my head. That box, however, has taken a beating over the years (that makes two of us) and several varieties of intimate touch, activities often saddled with the appellation “sex” have been pulled out of the sex box in my head so that I can still identify as such.
The only two “Virginity ending acts” that remain are the big ones: PIV, and Anal. (Manual sex and Oral sex have obviously had to have been relocated to the “not really sex” box.) I’m a fairly smart and rational person, obviously I don’t really believe that there is any sort of moral loophole metaphysically defining some intimate acts as ok, so long as they’re not coitus.
Still, cognitive dissonance has to be dealt with somehow when physical touch is your primary means of giving and receiving affection.
So that’s how I’ve gotten to where I am, twenty-five, and still a virgin. Having the kinkiest sex I can have without really having sex.
And I don’t think it’s worth it to me to anymore. I know that the “sex box” doesn’t make sense. My nominal virginity, in my mind has always been something that I was holding onto for my someday wife. I’ve just gotten to a place where I don’t think I’m going to marry a woman who will put that kind of value on it.
I don’t anticipate being married anytime soon, and whomever I do marry, I’ll definitely date for a while before tying the knot. Without a strong conviction, and not believing that my virginity is the most important part of a lifetime commitment means I’ve got no reason to to hold onto it anymore. I don’t believe my virginity will make it intact to my wedding night, and I think that’s okay.
Coming to this point frees up a lot of energy. I don’t have to do the mental gymnastics that allow me to believe that fingers or a handheld toy being pounded into my ass is different than a cock strapped on to my lover. That I can kiss and suck on a cunt, I can even rub my cock against it, as long as it doesn’t penetrate, I’m all good.
Losing my virginity is still going to be a big deal, but losing the sex box was the bigger step.