Something I remember reading when I first started looking into BDSM was that it wasn’t necessarily sexual for some people. This was a little tricky to grasp for me because it is pretty intensely sexual for me.
Well, parts of it are. D/s is definitely how I enjoy my romantic and sexual interactions to play out, Roughness and ownership turn me on, but the (semi) heavy bottoming I do for Tavi isn’t arousing.
Physically at least.
For me a caning or spanking tends to be about obedience pain, and release. Submitting to her torment makes me feel like I belong to her, and that is a very hot thought for me. But by the time we end a scene, when she has either had enough, or I break, or we run short of time, I’m not hard. I need to be held and comforted, but I’m not anywhere near “ready to go.”
Tavi on the other hand gets really hot beating the snot out of me, and I love that. That she wants to hurt me until I cry and then push my face between her thighs to take care of what I’ve done is very arousing in fantasy. Mentally I’d say that in the moment it’s very hot as well, it’s just that my body doesn’t react that way to intense pain.
Which is ok, I really like what it is that we do… but I’ve never climaxed with a partner. Ever.
And I’d like to share that with her, if I can.
Part of this is I’ve only been sexual with two people. My ex, who I really didn’t feel comfortable moving forward as fast as we were. Any pleasure from her was tinged with guilt and so while we fooled around quite a bit, I never got off.
And Tavi. While we’ve been playing for a some time now, our play has only more recently progressed to a point where we might pursue orgasm together. I’m realizing that if I want to cum with her, or for her, or in front of her part of the roadblock I’m encountering is that beating me works really well as foreplay for her, but not so much for me. (Although I think her claws might be just the right level of pain to get her worked up with having my body become more concerned with getting through it’s ordeal than getting off)
The other thing in the way is, I think a not uncommon problem in this day in age. I’ve been mastubating for about thirteen years, I’ve probably had at least forty-seven-hundred orgasms. Most of them in roughly the same position, and most of them while hyper-stimulated by some piece of erotica. My body is used to cumming alone, in a comfortable position, with lots of stimulation.
I’ve been aware of the possibility of virgin death grip (when guys get accustomed to the full strength of their hand sliding across their glans) and try and switch it up. I don’t know that that is my issue. I think I just need more mental stimulation. For some reason the reality of an evening with Tavi hasn’t been enough to get me off.
Some of it is probably me still trying to become comfortable with receiving pleasure, some of it is probably habits formed by years of masturbation, and some of it is definitely needing more foreplay. Which is so weird for me to acknowledge, since every bit of sex advice I’ve ever read suggests that men basically don’t need foreplay at all, and women need tons.
I don’t really have a closing thought for this, I’m going to be pondering on it for a while, but I thought that it was an interesting contrast between what turns me on, and what actually gets me off.